Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is [number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department, and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

Doctor: “What if she was dying and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

Doctor: “Well, yes — I mean… Just make sure they call me today.” *click*

Me: “Thank you for waiting. My name is [My Name]. What is your call regarding?”

Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”

Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”

Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”

Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”

Patient: “Actually, none.”

Me: “You are experiencing no symptoms?”

Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”

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(A woman comes into my clinic with her six-year-old daughter and approaches the receptionist.)

Customer: “Hi. I need my daughter’s eyes fixed.”

Employee: “Sorry?”

Customer: “My daughter. She’s blind. I need you to fix it.”

Employee: “Oh, um… Is she totally blind? Can’t see a thing? How about light?”

Customer: “No, she’s completely blind.”

Employee: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t think we can help you. How long has she been this way?”

Customer: “Oh, all her life. She was born blind.”

Employee: “Why didn’t you look for help earlier?”

Customer: “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILDREN, MISSY!”

(After listening in on the conversation, I decide to step in.)

Me: “Is there a problem here?”

Customer: *pulls her daughter’s arm* “Yes. My daughter is blind and you need to fix it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but there’s really nothing we can do. We don’t treat things like that here.”

Customer: “NO! You call yourself an eye doctor?! You must be able to fix her, and you WILL!”

Me: “Like I said, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Well, godd*** you all to h***! I’m going somewhere that will actually help us!”

Me: “Ask Jesus, I heard he was good at that.”

Customer: *storms out*

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(I used to work summers for my dad, who is a psychiatrist.)

Me: “Good morning, Dr. [Name]’s Office, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need to make an appointment with Dr. [Name]. Can I speak with him?”

Me: “Sorry, he’s with a patient right now but if you give me your information, I’ll set up an appointment for you. Are you currently a patient of Dr. [Name]?”

Caller: “Yes, I was a guinea pig of his when he did lithium experiments on me back in the 1940s.”

Me: “Um… I think you got your dates wrong. Dr. [Name] wasn’t born at that time.”

Caller: “Oh, then in the 1950s. It was in the 1950s and he and the government were running secret experiments on me at that time.”

Me: “I doubt that, he would have just been a young child at that time.”

Caller: “Then it was the 1960s, d*** it! It was at the [Hospital] in Alberta in the 1960’s.”

Me: “Dr. [Name] has never practiced in Alberta. He wasn’t even living in Canada at that time.”

Caller: “Are you calling me a LIAR?”

Me: “Well, considering that Dr. [Name] is my dad, I think I’ll take my word over yours.”

Caller: “Well, then we can’t do business. No, we can’t do any business. Goodbye!” *hangs up*

Me: “Wow…”

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Orthopedic office]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “PUT MY DAUGHTER ON THE PHONE!”

Me: “I’m sorry? This is [Ortho]–”

Caller: “No it isn’t! Now put my daughter on the phone right now! She knows she isn’t supposed to have boys over!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I think you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “NO I DON’T.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid–”

Caller: “You better be! I’m on my way home RIGHT NOW and god help you if you’re still there!”

(By this point we have several calls waiting to be answered. My supervisor signals me to transfer the call to them so I can get back to my job.)

Me: “Ma’am, I assure you this is a medical office. Would you like to speak to my supervisor?”

Caller: *dripping with sarcasm* “Oh suuuure! Put me through to your supervisor!”

Supervisor: “Thank you for calling [Orthopedics], how can I help you?”

Caller: “WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!”

(It took several minutes for my supervisor to get the woman off the phone, after which she called three more times…)

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