I Pretend To Work If You Pretend To Pay Me

| Sacramento, CA, USA | Right | May 6, 2015

Customer: “My taxes pay your salary so you are paid to take my crap.”

Me: “First of all, sir, until it says ‘Sanitation Dept’ on my paycheck I’m not paid to take anyone’s crap.”

Customer: “Well, my taxes pay your salary.”

(I lay a printout of his registration fees in front of him.)

Me: “You see that $32 fee? That fee is what pays my salary. I’ve only been working here for six months. Since you haven’t paid any registration fees for the past three years you haven’t paid any part of my salary.”

(After a couple of minutes of whining he finally pays the all the fees to bring his registration current.)

Me: *as I hand him his sticker and registration* “Thank you, sir… Now that that is cleared up… How about giving me a raise?”

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Vote In A Coffee Break

| IN, USA | Working | March 17, 2015

(I recently moved and am getting a new driver’s license. As proof of my new address, I have a bill and my voter registration card.)

Worker: “All right. Here are your documents back. Would you like to register to vote while you’re here?”

Me: “No, thanks. I’m already registered.”

Worker: “Are you sure you’re registered in the right county? You might need to update your information.”

Me: “Um, I just used my voter registration card as proof of my new address. I think it’s updated.”

Worker: *pauses and laughs* “Oh, wow! I think it’s time for me to take a coffee break.”

Two Thumbs Up

| Houston, TX, USA | Right | July 21, 2014

(I have gone to the DMV to get a Texas driver’s license. They have an electronic fingerprinting machine that has a digital display to tell you what fingers go where and when. The woman helping me and I have the following conversation:)

Employee: “Please put your four left fingers on the screen.”

(I do so, and while she’s typing, the digital display changes to show me what fingers to use next. I move my fingers to mirror the display.)

Employee: “But— what? Did you just change that on your own?”

Me: “Yes? The pictures changed to the next step.”

Employee: “But people never follow the directions. They never do it on their own.”

(Then, after she takes my picture:)

Employee: “Here, you can see what your picture is going to look like, since you can follow directions. Let me know if you want me to retake it.”

(Best DMV experience ever!)

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Happily Single Minded

| Sewell, NJ, USA | Right | February 20, 2014

(While working at the DMV, I overhear the following conversation between a mother and her teenage daughter applying for her driver’s license.)

Daughter: “My birth certificate asks if I’m single?”

Mother: *reads birth certificate*

Daughter: “Why is it asking if I’m single?”

Mother: “Seriously? Think about it.”

Daughter: *after pausing for a few moments in deep thought* “Oh, right. I guess there’s arranged marriages.”

Mother: “… It means you weren’t born a twin.”

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An Inappropriate Touchdown

| USA | Right | January 7, 2014

(I’m ordering a personalized plate for the customer. I ask the customer what he wants on the license plate.)

Customer: “I’m a Colts fan. What about COLTFAN?”

Me: “I’ll check… Seems to be taken.”

Customer: “Hmm… What about CLTFAN?”

Me: *blushing* “Well, I don’t think that’s appropriate.”

Customer: “What? Oh! Um, just a regular plate. Sorry about that.”

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