Coworker: “If these people are sent into endless spirals of paralyzing existential horror by having to choose between three kinds of turkey, why do we allow them to vote?”

(I’m not at my best here; in my defense, I’m still pretty new at my deli job at this point. I’m going about my duties when I see a woman hovering near, but not actually at, the sandwich counter. She’s closer to our grab-and-go station and not actually looking at us so I figure she’s just picking something up and go about my work. I look back at her 30 seconds to a minute later; she’s now staring daggers directly at me with a “why aren’t you helping me” glare. I internally brace myself and go over to see what she wants.)

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer: “I want a ham and cheese croissant.”

Me: “Okay! Would you mind filling out a sandwich form out for me so I know what exactly you would like?” *attempting to walk her over to the actual sandwich counter*

Customer: “I want a ham and cheese croissant!”

Me: “Yes. But I need to know what kind of ham, what kind of cheese, and if you’d like any condiments or veggies.”

(Looking affronted at this indignity, the customer reluctantly walks over to the sandwich counter and fills out a form, giving it back to me with the greatest contempt. It turns out she really does want just ham and cheese on a plain croissant, but at least now I know which ham and cheese. I go to the counter to build her sandwich when tragedy strikes. I see no croissants.)

Me: “It doesn’t look like we have any croissants; is there another bread option you would like?”

Customer: *glowers silently at me*

Me: *suddenly hoping there’s a croissant storage I’m unaware of* “You know what? Let me grab a coworker and make sure we don’t have any.”

(I grab a nearby coworker, and she explains to me that we don’t typically keep croissants in the deli because of how quickly they go bad, but we can grab some from the bakery. I’m a little confused about the process of scanning out croissants from the bakery to the deli so it’s taking a little bit for my coworker to explain, but I’m doing my best to keep the lady involved in the conversation, apologizing for the delay and promising that we’ll get this figured out. Unfortunately, it’s a little too much for her, as she swings her cart around and storms off, hollering dramatically as she walks away:)

Customer: “You know what?! Fine! I will buy the ingredients and just make it myself!”

Me: *to the space that was previously a customer* “Okay, good luck with that!”

(A couple of weeks later, I was talking to a cashier coworker who regaled me with a tale of this horribly rude and cranky woman who came to her line buying cheese and croissants, ranting about how horrible and expensive it was that she was having to actually make her own sandwich, and how dare the deli not have croissants. I recognized the customer immediately, apologized to the cashier for having to deal with the aftermath, and let her in on the origin story of Angry Croissant Lady.)

Customer: “Hello, can I have a pancake with Nutella, please?”

Me: “Yes, sure!”

Customer: “Just a question. I am allergic to nuts; are there any nuts in Nutella?”

Me: “Yes, there are nuts in Nut-ella.”

Me: “What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I would like some swiss cheese.”

(When a customer doesn’t know what kind of whatever they want, I tend to narrow down the choices to just the most popular. My deli has 11 different kinds of swiss cheese.)

Me: “We have the imported, the domestic, and the reduced-fat; which would you prefer?”

Customer: “I want swiss cheese.”

Me: “We have the domestic, which is sweeter, the imported, or the reduced-fat….”

Customer: *clearly exasperated* “I don’t want sweet.”

Me: “Okay, so, imported or….”

Customer: “Why are you making this so difficult?!“

(He then asked for provolone, of which we have three options, and muenster, of which we thankfully only have one.)

(I work in a deli that’s close to a very famous theme park.)

New Hire: “So, we don’t make sandwiches when customers order them?”

Coworker: “Nope. We only have premade subs.”

New Hire: “Why?”

Coworker: “We used to make them to order, but they didn’t sell. We were losing money keeping the sandwich station open.”

New Hire: “No way. Really?”

Coworker: “Our customers have spoken. They don’t want quality meals made by skilled food preparation experts; they want something fast and simple and cheap and sh**ty that they can sneak through [Company] security by cramming it up their butts.”