Hard Boiled Service

| Manhattan, NY, USA | Working | January 19, 2014

Me: “Can I get the chicken salad wrap and a double espresso?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “Uh… No sandwich, or no coffee?”

Employee: “I don’t know how to use the espresso machine.”

Me: “Oh. Um, is there anyone who can?”

Employee: “No one knows how to use this f****** machine. You want, like, really boiled down coffee? ‘Cause that’s the best I got.”

(I declined the boiled down coffee.)

The Sausages Of Society

| New York, NY, USA | Right | December 10, 2013

(I work in an Italian deli in Brooklyn that sells high quality cured meats. Because of its location, we have recently seen an upsurge in customers from Williamsburg’s gentrified neighborhoods. Two customers walk in.)

Customer #1: “Yes. I wanted to know if you stocked any vegan sausages.”

Me: *thinking they’re joking* “Sir, this is [deli]. Our specialty is aged and cured meats. We don’t sell vegan food.”

Customer #2: *to his friend* “What did you expect from this place? Their vibes are totally off. It’s obvious this isn’t the right deli for us, man.” *turns to me* “Listen, you see?m like a pretty smart guy. You shouldn’t buy into the corporate lies they feed you. You know the sausages you sell are just pumped full of water and corn syrup right?”

(I decide to have some fun with this.)

Me: “Yeah. Right on, man. That must mean those giant storage lockers in the back where we hang the freshly grounded and mixed meat is just an illusion created by the corporate industrialists in order to fool the proletariat.”

(Amazingly, they actually nod in agreement for a few second before realizing I’m making fun of them. Scowling, they finally leave.)

Customer #2: “I’m going to tell my friends about all of the ‘negative vibes’ your deli gives off!”

(To this day I’m not sure if they were serious or trying to prank us.)

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Which Is The Grate-est

| FL, USA | Working | September 16, 2013

Me: “What about that four-cheese Italian blend?”

Employee: “What would you like to know about it?”

Me: “What four cheeses are in it?”

Employee: “Let’s see there’s: Asiago, Parmesan, Romano and American.”

Me: “That sounds good; give me half a pound of that.”

Employee: “Y’know, I don’t get why they call it an Italian blend if it has American in it.”

Me: “Hmm…”

Employee: “It should have provolone instead. Provolone is the best cheese there is.”

Me: “I like cheddar the best, personally.”

Employee: “No, provolone is way better. Other cheeses leave anonymous hate messages on provolone’s Facebook page because they’re jealous.”

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Chalk Is His Kryptonite

| FL, USA | Right | June 24, 2013

Customer: “I also want a pound of Swiss cheese, but I don’t want it sliced.”

Me: “So you’d just like a one-pound block of cheese?”

Customer: “Exactly. Can you do that?”

Me: “I sure can.”

(I take the cheese over to the sandwich station to get a large knife, measure approximately where I think one pound would be, and cut off a block. I put it on the scale, and much to my satisfaction, the weight of the block I cut is 1.005 pounds.)

Me: “Well hey, that was pretty good!”

(The customer looks at the scales.)

Customer: “Oh, my God! How did you do that?!”

Me: “Lots of practice?”

Customer: “No, no, that wouldn’t do it. You must have some kind of supernatural cheese power!”

Me: “Well, I was born on a dying cheese planet, and sent to Earth in a cheese rocket by my parents. Exposure to Earth’s yellow sun gives me cheese powers.”

Customer: “Whoa. Honey, come here! You’ve got to see this!”

(The customer’s wife comes over and listens to the story.)

Customer’s Wife: “Holy s***. Can you do that again?”

(I look over at my manager, who rolls her eyes and gives me a ‘go ahead’ wave. I cut another block off the Swiss cheese and weigh it. It comes up to 0.995 pounds.)

Customer’s Wife: “Jesus Christ!”

(She grabs the arm of another passing customer.)

Customer’s Wife: “You’ve got to see this! This guy is Cheese Man!”

Me: “Ma’am, please don’t give away my secret identity. The cheese villains of the world would hunt me down.”

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He Wants Coffee As Dense As He Is

| NY, USA | Right | June 18, 2013

Me: “Here is your coffee, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, could you add more milk to that?”

Me: “Sure.”

(Since the coffee cup is already full, I walk over to the sink to pour a little out before adding more milk.)

Customer: “Stop that! I didn’t say to pour any out!”

Me: “Sir, the cup was full. In order to add more milk, I have to pour a little coffee out.”

Customer: “You should obey what your customers tell you!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but sometimes I have to obey the laws of physics instead.”

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