(I’m in line, paying for my own order, when another customer comes up to the other register at the counter, and I overhear this exchange.)

Customer: “I’m not telling you my order. I’m in here every morning. I always get the same thing. You should know what it is.”

(I sneak a glance to look for some sign that he’s joking, but he seems serious and irritated. The server is visibly flustered and begins apologizing. I’m angered by his attitude, but since he relents and gives his order, I decide to stay out of it. For the record, his order wasn’t complicated, but neither was it very simple. I pass him to collect my sandwich at the end of the counter and am going to leave, but he starts complaining again.)

Customer: “I can’t believe this. I’m in here every day! You people should know this.”

Me: “Excuse me sir, I’m curious.” *points at his server* “What’s her name?”

Customer: “I don’t know her name.”

Me: *points at other two servers behind the counter* “What are their names?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Really? But you’re in here every day.”

Customer: *smiles and drops his head, chagrined* “Good point.”

(I left then, but I hope his next words were an apology!)

I work at a small independent coffee shop as a barista. We have a number of regular customers whom I recognize. One night, I get a phone call saying there’s been a flood at the shop and when I go to check the damage, I realize we won’t be able to open in the morning, it’s so bad. I put up several signs on the windows, and one huge one on the doors that says “We are CLOSED today due to flood damage. Will be re-opening soon. Thanks for your patience.”

In the morning, I’m there with a few coworkers, salvaging what we can and cleaning what we can, when we hear loud banging noises at the front door. We ignore it and keep working, but it happens two or three more times, to the point of irritation. I finally go to the door and open it up to find one of our most regular customers standing there. I ask her why she’s there and she says “well, for my morning coffee, of course” as she’s trying to move past me into the building. I keep her from entering and tell her that as per the signs, we are closed.

Without even blinking an eye, she looks straight at me and says, “well, maybe for strangers, but not for your regular customers!”

I made her a coffee.

(A customer came in an hour ago with a friend. She ordered a coffee and has let it sit the entire time without drinking it. She comes to the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but the coffee you made me is cold!”

Me: “I did make it an hour ago. It’s had time to cool.”

Customer: “That’s stupid. Hot drinks don’t get cold!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure they do.”

Customer: “No, they don’t. That breaks physics! Make it again, please. To go!”

(I made it again while she berated and educated me on “Newton’s Second Law of Special Relativity.” I want to believe she was joking, but I honestly don’t know.)

(I run an independent coffee shop on a very busy city centre street. We are known for our hearty and healthy food as well as home-baking and decent coffee. We also have a pretty strict “no outside food” policy. Our stuff is so good, so why would we let people bring their own stuff in? One day I arrive to find we have no water. I call the water board and they say that a pipe has burst in the area but that they are fixing it. The water, however, has been turned off in the area… maybe a mile radius. I put signs up saying explaining this and apologising, but we are still able to serve food, just no hot drinks or tap water. A couple come in for breakfast and see the signs, but I still explain the situation. She orders orange juice with her breakfast. He, however, doesn’t seem to get it.)

Man: “Just a filter coffee, please!”

Me: “I’m really sorry but due to the no water thing, I can only do cold drinks.”

Man “Oh, right. So… just a tea?”

Me: “Again, no water. I have bottles of iced tea?”

Man: *scoffing* “So you’re saying that your coffee shop has no coffee?!”

Me: “Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. No water, in a mile-wide radius. Really sorry about this but they are working on the burst pipe!”

Man: “Well, there’s a [Huge International Coffee Chain] on the corner. Can I go and get one of their coffees and bring it back?”

Me: *knowing they have no water either but still trying to be polite and nice* “Sure thing. If they are able to make coffee, you’re welcome to bring it back.”

(The man left, quite smugly, only to return moments later, empty-handed. Apparently, they had no water either. Something about a burst pipe in the area…)

Customer: “Excuse me, is it true that your hot chocolate can induce orgasms?”

Me: “Umm, I don’t think so.”

Customer: “Have you had it?”

Me: “Yes, and no, it didn’t induce a… you know.”

Customer: *pointing to her friend* “[Friend] here says she has an orgasm every time she has your hot chocolate. Isn’t that right, [Friend]?”

Friend: *blushing and whispering* “No! I said I like it so much every time I have it that I could orgasm!”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I’ll just have a coffee, then.”