(Shortly after my girlfriend and I start dating, I start making us fruit smoothies as healthy treats, but my girlfriend never likes what I make her and usually only drinks a few ounces. She has various complaints, such as the smoothies being too sour, being able to taste the vegetable components, claiming to taste the ground seeds or nuts, or just not liking the texture. One visit, she rejects another smoothie recipe and drops this gem on me.)

Girlfriend: “I like my smoothies. My recipe is milk, vanilla ice cream, blueberries, a banana, and strawberries.”

Me: “Then I think your problem is that you don’t like smoothies.”

Girlfriend: “Yes, I do! I just like my smoothies!”

Me: “Those aren’t smoothies; you’re making milkshakes.”

Girlfriend: “They are smoothies!”

Me: “I don’t think you know what smoothies or milkshakes are.”

(I go to see Phil Collins’ “Still Not Dead Yet” show in mid-July and have a blast with my wife. Two days later, I’m in a restaurant kitchen unloading their delivery when “Easy Lover” comes on the radio.)

Me: “Oh, man, this was such a great song live, the way he performed with the background singer.”

(A female chef looks up with what I can only describe as a look of envy.)

Chef: “I wanted to go, too, but my boyfriend was going to buy the tickets, and he said they were sold out.”

Me: “Uh, my wife said there were a few thousand tickets still open.” 

(Goffertpark has a capacity of 50,000. I literally see the chef’s face going from envy and sadness to pure rage.)

Chef: “That motherf*****, not again!”

(She storms out of the kitchen.)

Head Chef: “Yeah, that’s the second time her boyfriend pulled that stunt when she really wanted to go and he didn’t.”

(I haven’t been back yet, so I don’t know if the boyfriend woke up with a chef’s blade in his gut or not.)

(I’ve just met my daughter’s boyfriend for the first time after they’ve been dating for over a year, and he’s just brought us home from lunch with his parents. I’m in the back seat and the kids are saying goodbye, and there’s a fairly intense look between them.)

Boyfriend: *suddenly turning around* “Well, it was nice to finally meet you.”

Me: *taking the hint* “You, too.”

(I get out of the car and go to the door to wait for her.)

Me: *once she’s joined me* “Tell him I don’t mind if you kiss in front of me, but I appreciate the subtlety.”

(I’m sitting In my room, watching a popular TV show that had a third season come out of July 4th. Just as things start falling off walls and flying around in the show, a photo flies of my wall and falls to the floor making a huge noise.)

My Boyfriend: “Will?!”

Me: “If that light starts flickering, I’m sleeping at your place tonight…”

Boyfriend: *playing a video game on his phone* “I livered—“ *leveled* “—up!”

Me: “You’ve got to be kidney-ing me.”

Boyfriend: *silence*

Me: “That joke wasn’t organ-ic?”