(My cousin has brought her boyfriend to our house for Thanksgiving. She’s being questioned by one of our particularly nosey aunts about him.)

Aunt: “…and how did you two meet?”

Cousin: “Well, I was trying to buy some cocaine from him, and he offered to be my pimp.”

Cousin’s Boyfriend: *nods* “Unfortunately, she refused that offer.”

(My aunt is totally speechless. No one had informed her that they met in a school play; he was a drug dealer and she was a prostitute.)

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(I’m in the living room. My daughter is playing in the apartment next door with her best friend. She bursts into the living room.)

Daughter: “Mom! Mom! Can I go down on [Little Girl who lives next door] at the pool?”

Me: “What?”

Daughter: “Yeah, [Neighbor] said she’d take us to the pool if you said it was okay! Can I take my water noodle?”

Me: “Oh, you want to go down to the pool with your friend?”

Daughter: “Yeah, isn’t that what I said?”

Me: “Remind me to have a long talk about the importance of prepositions when you get back.”

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(My younger sister is 12, and we’re both in the back seat of our car, driving through rural Pennsylvania. My sister is playing a farming simulation game on a hand-held system.)

Me: “Look! Cows!”

Sister: “Huh? Did you hear the cows in my game?”

(I point out the window.)

Me: “There are cows!”

Sister: “I know. I just got the cow!”

Me: “Look out the window!”

Sister: “There’s no window in my game!”

Me: “You’re in a car. LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!”

Sister: “What?”

(She looks up and out the window.)

Sister: “Oh, my gosh, COWS!”

(This takes place a month after I quit my job as a telemarketer. One day, I get a phone call from a different company trying to sell the same things I was selling at my old job.)

Telemarketer: “Hi, this is [name] from [company]. Is [my name] available?”

Me: “Speaking.”

Telemarketer: “Awesome! We at [company] are currently going through our old loyal customers and since you have been such a great…”

(At this point I recognize the pitch, as it was the exact same one I had been taught to use at my old work place.)

Me: *joining in* “…customer for us, we are glad to let you know that we are donating you six months’ worth of a magazine of your choice…”

(I continue talking at the same rhythm with him, repeating the old sales pitch from word to word. Surprised, he starts slowing down, until his words fade away and I finish the pitch alone.)

Me: “Yes, can you imagine getting six months of a magazine of your choice for free? The only thing you’ll need to worry about is the postage. So, for merely 20€ a month, you can get [lists various magazines] and receive a gift that is worth over 60€. What do you think? Shall we mail the first magazine this week?”

Telemarketer: “Uh…”

Me: “Yeah, sorry dude, not biting. Been there, done that.”

(He didn’t even bother to say good bye or anything and basically just dropped the call right there. On the positive side of things, they never called me again.)

(I’m trying to help an older manager figure out a new computer system on the phone. He knows nothing about computers.)

Manager: “I can’t get the report to come up.”

Me: “Okay, you want to take the mouse and go to the little icon that looks like a truck. Then, click the right button on the mouse.”

Manager: “It isn’t working.”

Me: *repeats instructions*

Manager: “It still isn’t opening.”

Me: “It has to open. Okay, you’re on the first page right?”

Manager: “Yes.”

Me: “So, you have the little cursor over that icon, right?”

Manager: “No, I have the MOUSE on the SCREEN over the icon. You SAID put the MOUSE over the icon!”

Me: “Can’t argue with that; that’s exactly what I said. But I think we may have found the problem…”