I’m in line to check out at a pet store. The guy up at the register has a bag of guinea pig food or bedding or something, and between him and me is someone who looks like he looked up “Grumpy Old Man stereotypes” and used it as a checklist.

Cashier: “All right, your total is [total], we also have these ‘Guinea Dad’ and ‘Guinea Mom’ bumper stickers for just a dollar if you like!”

Guinea Pig Guy: “Ooo, yeah, I’ll take the ‘Guinea Mom’, please.”

Grumpy Old Man: *Scoffs*

Cashier: “All right, here you go, your new total is [total].”

Grumpy Old Man: “PUT IT BACK!”

Cashier & Guinea Pig Guy: “What?”

Grumpy Old Man: “He’s got a f****** beard! It’s bad enough that he’s got some [gay slur] pet like that little rat. Don’t let him act like a woman! Put that f****** thing back!“

Guinea Pig Guy: “…So, anyway, my wife, who is the one who takes care of the guinea pig, would love that sticker, yes. Also, do you guys sell baby food? Someone left their infant here and he’s crying loudly.”

The cashier made a visible effort to not burst out laughing. I made no such effort and doubled over, especially when the Grumpy Old Baby impotently banged his cart a few times and stormed out.

I work in a high-end soap store, selling luxury hand soap, shampoos, body wash, etc. A man comes up to the counter with a large range of items coming to several hundred dollars. His card then declines, and I politely inform him.

Customer: “It must be from your end. Run it again.”

I run it through twice with the same result each time.

Customer: “That’s impossible! I have money on that card!”

Me: “Do you have another form of payment?”

Customer: “I don’t need another form of payment! I have enough on that card! I earn a lot more than you do, so you may be used to your card being declined, but this doesn’t happen to me!”

Me: *Ignoring the snobby comment* “Well, sir, be that as it may, your card isn’t working, so you need to either provide another form of payment or step aside to call your bank to determine what the issue might be.”

The customer huffs and instead asks for my manager.

Manager: “My associate is correct, sir. You need to call your bank if you’d like to use that card. The issue isn’t coming from our side.” 

The customer huffs again but stands aside to call his bank. As he does so, my manager looks at the large collection of items the customer is having issues paying for.

Manager: “Oh, [My Name], they have the pomegranate handwash you like back in stock! I must have missed that.”

Me: “Yeah, I just saw it, too! I’ll grab a few for myself after my shift.”

At my saying this, the customer (still on the phone) glares at me but shouts at the manager.

Customer: “He can’t afford that!”

Manager: “Neither can you!”

The customer huffed yet again and stormed out. No one mourned the loss. 

I should also clarify that my manager meant I couldn’t normally afford the handwash, but the staff discount does wonders…

A guy from my building talks to himself a lot but not much to other people. One day, a coworker of mine asked him:

Coworker: “Talking to yourself again, [Guy]? Harharharhar!”

Without skipping a beat, [Guy] replied:

Guy: “Better than talking to you, [Coworker].”

And he just kept walking down the hallway with no other response.

Our zoo has a prehistoric section that has models of extinct creatures.

Guest: “Sabretooth tigers aren’t extinct!”

Me: “They have been for about ten to twelve thousand years, sir.”

Guest: “I saw some last time I was here!”

Me: “Then sir, may I say you look amazing for your age!”

Manager: “It finally happened! I got one!”

Me: “Got a what?”

Manager: “A flat earther! I thought they were just made up, but my customer was an honest-to-God flat earther!”

Me: “What happened?”

Manager: “They complained about the globes we had on display in the ‘back to school’ section. They said that the globe is a theory and not science so we shouldn’t have it with the educational stuff.”

Me: “Oh, boy. I never understood what a flat earther is supposed to see on a clear day. Shouldn’t they, like, see the Eiffel Tower from here or something?”

Manager: “Flat earthers don’t like having clear days. It’s a sign that their pharmaceuticals are wearing off.”

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