Double Order Means Double Disorder  

, , , , , | Right | December 19, 2019

(My customer admits to setting up a new account for his services at his neighbour’s property to trick us into thinking he is a new customer to get a different deal, and now he wants the service moved to his actual property where he has service with us.)

Me: “So, sir, let me get this right. As you have explained to me now, on a recorded call, that you created a new account next door to get a better deal — which in itself is a breach in your terms and conditions — and now you want me to move it to where you currently have active services?”

Customer: “Yes, but it’s not a breach in anything; I was securing a deal.”

Me: “You set up an order for yourself at your neighbour’s, so our system would think you were a new customer and wouldn’t prompt us to think otherwise, and now you want to move that to where you have services with us.”

Customer: “Well, yes.”

Me: “Okay, but I’m sorry, sir, I can’t allow this following the correct procedure. I will have to cancel your new order and manage your current active services correctly.”

Customer: “But then I can’t have the deal I want; that’s why I’ve done this.”

Me: “I know, sir, I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Well, I want compensation.”

Me: “For what?”

Customer: “For my time and effort.”

Me: “You want me to give you compensation for your effort in fraudulently setting up an account in an attempt to play the system?”

Customer: “You wasted my time!”

Me: “I’m not giving you compensation.”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager.”

Me: “I’ll save you the effort; they are not giving you compensation, either.”

Customer: “I’m reporting you; give me your name.”

Me: “Okay, and that’s your account cancelled. Again, my name is [My Name].”

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If You Act Like A Child…

, , , , | Right | December 19, 2019

(I work at a small fast food place. There’s this regular who comes in every Saturday and seems to think everyone knows him and what he wants, often saying, “I’ll have my usual.” My coworker is new and aims to get a teaching license one day.)

Coworker: “Hello, sir, what can I get you?”

Regular: “I’ll have my usual.”

Coworker: “Most of the people here today are new and are not familiar with your usual order, sir. Can you be more specific?”

Regular: “Where’s [Former Employee who got fired for giving away free food]?”

Coworker: “He was fired. Please tell me your order so we don’t hold the line for too long.”

Regular: “I come here often and order the exact same thing; you should have it by the register, little miss.”

Coworker: “Sir, if we did that for you, we’d have to do that for every regular. We have a lot of people coming in every day, many of whom have similar physical features to you and possibly order a similar meal. If you continue to act like a spoiled toddler, no one here will be getting their food anytime soon.”

(He finally told her what he wanted and paid. He tried complaining to the manager but he too has dealt with his crap before and stood by my coworker.)

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This Response Is Music To Our Ears

, , , , , | Right | December 18, 2019

(I work in a nationwide chain of music stores, in the rental department. I am one of two rentals employees in the entire store. We do rentals for our own gear, but we also serve as a will-call warehouse for another company’s rental orders. Only my department coworker and I fully know our company’s rental procedures — not even the managers know them — and I am the only person who knows the proper procedures for the other company’s rental orders.)

Customer: *on the phone* “Hi, I’d like to renew my rental.”

Me: *thinking this is one of our company’s rentals* “I’m sorry, we’re unable to renew rentals over the phone. You’ll need to come in—”

Customer: “What?! Three people told me I could renew a rental over the phone! Look up my account!”

(I look up her account, and notice that it is… completely incorrect. Not only is the pricing wrong on several different levels, but whoever created the account somehow managed to put her musical instrument, which belongs to the other company, on one of our rental accounts. I’m not even mad, I’m impressed. This should not even be possible.)

Me: “All right, miss, there seems to be a problem with your account, and even if I could renew it over the phone normally, I would need you to come in for this specific instance so we could fix the account.”

Customer: “F*** you! I talked to three people who told me I could do it over the phone!”

Me: “Miss, I am the only person who even has access to these types of acco—”


Me: “I apologize, miss, I am currently the only person running both my department and [another department] and, given that I have two departments’ worth of customers to help and absolutely no desire to keep speaking to you, I am going to hang up on you now. Maybe not berating the one person who could help you would get you farther in life.”

(Without waiting for her response, I hang up on her. I hear the phone ring about five seconds later, and I know what’s coming, so I tell my manager to grab it and turn to help other customers while mentally preparing myself to sleep in the bed I’ve made. But nothing ever comes of it. The next day, I ask him what happened with the woman.)

Manager: “Oh, her? Yeah, I don’t believe for a second you actually said any of the things she claimed you said, but part of me really, sincerely hopes you did.”

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Quick Comebacks Are Tonic For The Soul

, , , , | Right | September 13, 2019

(I am sixteen, working my first job as a waiter in a restaurant. One older female diner – you know the type, aspiring middle class and very entitled – snaps her fingers to get my attention. I find this very rude, but approach her professionally anyway.)

Customer: “Get me a G&T. That’s a gin & tonic to someone like you.”

(Shocked and offended, I admittedly reply before I can think.)

Me: “Would you like ice and lemon with that? That’s frozen water and sliced fruits for someone like you.”

(The customer was shocked and asked for my manager. Luckily, the manager pulled me aside just to say “that was really great – just don’t do that again.)

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Cents-lessly Arguing Over The Cost

, , , , | Right | March 4, 2019

(I run a small pack-and-ship on an island in south Florida. Unbeknownst to me, an owner two years before me kept a copy machine near the entrance. I have three copy machines located behind my desk.)

Customer: *enters store and looks around wildly, and as I’m serving another customer* “Where the h*** is your copy machine?!”

Me: “I have three back here behind me.” *points out copiers*

Customer: “That doesn’t help me!”

Me: “If you’ll give me your papers I’ll gladly make the copies for you.”

Customer: *as I’m making his copies* “What happened to the copy machine you had by the front?”

Me: “I’ve only ever had my three machines back here. I suppose it’s possible the owner before me had one out there.”

Customer: “Well, how does that help me at all?”

(Thirty seconds of silence.)

Customer: “I still can’t believe you don’t have a copy machine in here.”

Me: *out of patience at this point* “What are you talking about? I told you twice now I have three of them back here, and I’m literally copying your document right now.”

(I bring him his two forms.)

Me: “That’s 50 cents.”

Customer: “You know, there’s a print shop on [Local Road] that makes copies for five cents a piece.”

Me: “All right…” *shrugs* “Well, we’re a shipping store and we charge 25 cents a page.”

Customer: *pays me 50 cents* “I’m never coming here again.”

Me: “Don’t get my hopes up.”

(This man has been back three times since to overnight something and curses me out every time I give him the price. He doesn’t take kindly to my advice of shipping his packages earlier. I’m just glad I own and run an independent shop so I don’t have to bend over for that sort of customer.)

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