My former manager is a bit of a bully and liked to make me do her job. I was transferred to a different manager after an incident of me accidently embarassing her by having the absolute audacity to ask clarification on “which files” I were transfer over causing her to explode and yell abuses at me in front of everyone, including the CEO. In other words, she had no idea which files and rather than ask the person in the call and expose herself, she decided to turn her embarassment onto me. The CEO and my new manger both realized it was not my fault and got me out of the situation. It still doesn’t stop her from trying to boss me around, though.
One of the things I used to do was keep her calendar. And this morning I received this gem.
Text: As a reminder, I won’t be in the morning meeting.
Great. Neither will I.
Several years ago I was a US Navy linguist. We had to take a language proficiency test annually and it was the morning of a test, before the testing center was open. A younger shipmate was there also getting ready to take the test.
Shipmate: Man, I hate waiting for these tests to start. It makes me feel like I’m back in high school again with the standardized tests all the time.
Me: I wouldn’t know, I was homeschooled and we didn’t have that many tests.
Shipmate (thinks this is the most hilarious thing in the world): Haha, I should have guessed! You’re such a weirdo, [my name]. You’re definitely a former homeschooler!
Me: I’m pretty sure I’m not the only former homeschooler weirdo you work with, as you so nicely put it. You know what, I’m almost certain I’m not the only one in this room who used to homeschool.
Shipmate: That’s ridiculous.
I was in a bit of a mood due to mild test anxiety so I decided to do something useful and test my own theory. I started to go around the room (with younger Shipmate in tow) asking the 20-30 people there if they’d _ever_ been homeschooled, even for just six months or so. All but about five said yes! This was a lot more than I’d anticipated (I’d thought maybe two or three) and this included a senior chief who was probably homeschooled in a time/place when it was much more strictly regulated than it is today in most of the US. My younger shipmate went from disbelief to silence on the subject of weirdo homeschoolers. Incidentally, we both passed our tests that day and remained good work buddies.
I have a pair of cousins, brother and sister, whose last name can also be used to describe skin color. For the purposes of the story, let’s say it’s Brown.
By a funny coincidence, both the female cousin and the male cousin’s wife are currently expecting a baby. My mother chose to tell me this in the following manner:
“Both your Brown cousins are pregnant!”
After I got done stifling a helpless fit of snickering, I suggested she find a different way to phrase this. She hadn’t even realized the connotations and was mildly horrified, but also amused.
I’m waiting to pick up my food inside a restaurant. Also waiting are a man and his young daughter. After a few minutes, the man comes up to me.
Man: Excuse me, are you my mother?
I’m very confused, because I’ve never seen this man before in my life, and we look to be about the same age. The man then turns back to his daughter.
Man: See, I did it! Ha!
He turns back to me while his daughter is giggling.
Man: We’re playing truth or dare.
A coworker walks up to me and asks,
Coworker: If I say “Santa”, do you know what I’m saying?
He’s wearing a mask, and comes from England, but is clear so I say,
Me: Yes?
Coworker: Okay, ’cause I’ve said it to, like, 5 people today and no one knew what I was saying.
Me: Oh, well, I’m half British. I so I speak English, Canadian and American fluently.
Coworker: They all speak English.
Me: Obviously not.
(In fairness, I’m a linguist with a BA in English so I have studied the nuances of my favourite language. I know and use it to my advantage, changing spellings and pronunciation to fit any circumstance.)
