(I write fanfiction. My current main focus is a project starring a gay male character and a straight female character. However, I decide to make a side project of going through and editing a previous fanfic starring a straight male character. Also important to note is that I realized I was asexual while dating my current boyfriend, but after a long discussion we decided to continue the relationship.)

Me: “Apparently, writing a character who is attracted to girls is just weird to me now.”

Boyfriend: “Maybe it’s easier to write characters attracted to guys, as a girl?”

Me: “Um…dear, have you forgotten our conversation about how I’m asexual? ANY time I write about physical attraction, I’m just imitating romances that I’ve read.”

(He types and deletes things for several minutes before sending a reply.)

Boyfriend: “I haven’t forgotten, I was just guessing.”

Me: “…this was officially awkward.”

On an uneventful Saturday afternoon, I’m riding the bus, listening to my headphones, when, out of nowhere, I’m suddenly overcome by an intense feeling of fear and dread. My pulse starts racing, my face feels hot, and I’m breathing fast and trembling. There’s absolutely no logical explanation for it. My mother and one of my sisters have had panic attacks, and I’m no expert, but that’s what comes to my mind at the time. The thought scares me even more. I don’t get panic attacks. Yes, I have my own anxiety issues (which have caused me difficulty making friends and prevented me from being able to learn to drive), but panic attacks aren’t among them. Am I going to start getting them frequently from hereon? Why? Is something on my mind stressing me out lately? No, nothing that I can think of. What’s happening?!

Even though I’m not where I was going, the bus is just making me nauseous. I need to get off and get some air! I pull the cord and get off in front of the library near a college campus and walk around the corner towards a park. The motion, fresh air, and taking some deep breaths calm me down a little. I immediately start texting my family, explaining what’s happening, and they calm me down even more. Eventually, I feel secure enough to get on a different bus and go home, abandoning my plans for the day.

I feel fine the next day and the next. A week passes, and I’ve pretty much put it behind me and all but forgotten about it. Next Saturday, I’m making breakfast when it happens again! With no warning and no reason that I can see, I’m overwhelmed with sudden fear, dizziness, and nausea as my heart races. I feel like I can’t breathe, so I unzip the vest I’m wearing and remove it… and the feeling INSTANTLY stops. No exaggeration. Like flipping a switch – I go from complete panic to perfectly normal in a heartbeat.

As I try to process what just happened, my eyes fall on the vest now draped over the back of the chair I’m gripping (white leather with many zippers and metal decorations), and I remember… hey, I was wearing this the last time this happened! And these are the only two times I’ve worn it! It’s brand new; I just bought it at the secondhand clothing store where one of my sisters works, and I’ve only worn it on the weekend because it’s not the kind of thing I can wear to the office. I’ve never had panic attacks before that day…

No way, it’s crazy, right? Yeah. Still… I’m creeped out enough and open-minded (or naive) enough to seriously consider the only common denominator I can see…

Half angry at myself for being so ridiculous and half convinced this would be a very weird coincidence, I text my mother what just happened and what I realized about the vest, expecting her to tell me to stop being silly and bring me back to reality.

She texts back, “Get rid of it NOW!” It’ll be a waste of money, and it’s a very nice vest that I really liked, but SCREW THAT! I grab a bright red Sharpie from the cupboard, scribble warnings all over the leather not to wear it, put the vest in a plastic bag, finish making and eating breakfast, take the bag on a bus, and drop it in the first public garbage can I see downtown.

I haven’t had anything even close to a panic attack since. Probably just the placebo effect or a crazy coincidence, right, not a cursed vest that the previous owner sold?

I’ll leave you to judge if that was a crazy or perfectly rational response.

I work at a big coffee chain and we were super busy since the weather had been nice and sunny so everyone needed a drink with line out the door and in drive-thru. This coffee chain is big on making the customer happy so sometimes it’s okay to make changes to orders without charging anything. I’m in the drive-thru and the customer ordered a cafe au lait with added ingredients. I’m taking her payment when this happened.

Me: Your total is 4.75.

Customer: *while handing me her card* That’s so much for my drink. I always pay around 2 dollars.

Me: *pausing before processing payment* Oh that’s because you got added flavoring and caramel in the drink. We charge for those.

Her: *in a snooty tone rolling her eyes* Well I always get this drink and it’s never that much.

Me: Well I’m sorry ma’am. *processes payment and gives her her drink with a saccharine smile* Have a wonderful day!

The thing is if she had been polite about it when asking about the price I was prepared to take off the extra charges for her but because of her attitude I decided she was paying full price. Don’t mess with service workers. Sometimes we do have the power to make you pay.

When I brought my dog in for a checkup, I ran into a former coworker, who was there purchasing prescription dog food for her pet. We hadn’t seen each other since I left the company almost two years ago, so we got to chatting, asking how the other was, what we’ve been doing since I left, how my new job was going, how things were at the old job, how our families were, and so on. Soon her order was ready, and we said our goodbyes as she left. As soon as the door closed behind her, I turned to the receptionist and asked, “Mind if I ask you a question? That lady I was talking to, who bought all that food? What was her NAME???”

Our hobby group has been thriving recently, so we start discussing amongst ourselves if we should meet more often and when and how. One of our more domineering members is the first to speak up.

Member 1: I know! I’ll hold a party at my place! Instead of working on our projects, we could all just hang out and eat chips and stuff!

Half of us exchange a wary glance. This particular member had just spent half an hour monologuing about mushroom shaped rocks (It was half an hour; I timed her). Many people aren’t certain about letting her deliberately lead.

Me: I think I’d rather meet in a public place where we can talk and buy drinks and keep working on our projects.

Member 1: Don’t worry. This party will be great! I’ll send all the information about it in a group email later today. What times are good for everyone?

Everyone gives her their availability.

Member 2: And after we have nachos and whatever, we can work on our projects at your place, right?

Member 1: Yeah, whatever. This is going to be so much fun! So [time] is good for everyone?

Me: I don’t know. I’d have to double check my calendar. My family might have plans then.

Member 1: Okay, whatever. I’m sure you can all make it!

Several of us cringe, but we all say our good-byes and part ways. Later that day, we get an email with Member 1’s address as well as the time and date. She adds “Please RSVP if you’re coming.” I check the calendar and can’t make it, so I don’t bother to RSVP.

Before our next session, I arrive early. Member 1 is the only person who’s arrived. She gives me a death glare the moment I enter. I sit down. She leans over the table and gets in my face.

Member 1: I don’t know what your problem is with me, but I never did anything to you! You need a serious attitude adjustment!

Me: Um…what?

Member 1: EVERYONE else came to my party! You didn’t! You didn’t even RSVP!

Me: You said to RSVP if we could make it. I told you two weeks ago that I probably had plans that day. I didn’t RSVP because I couldn’t make it.

Member 1: EVERYONE else came! You weren’t there! I don’t know what your problem is, but you need to lose it!

Me: …So you’re mad at me because I said I wasn’t coming and then didn’t come?

Member 1: YES!

Me: *At this point, I’m trying not to laugh. She is absolutely furious and dead serious, but I find the entire accusation so ridiculous I can’t keep it in. I’m sure my chortling isn’t helping, but it’s hard to hold back.*

Member 1: This is a criminal activity and I’m going to treat you like the criminal you are! I’m going to tell everyone! This is inexcusable!

Me: *about to dying laughing internally* It’s…criminal not to come to your party?

Member 1: YES! God! I can’t believe it; what’s wrong with you?!

*At that point, Member 3 and 4 enter together.*

Me: Hey [Member 3]; Hey [Member 4]. Is it criminal not to RSVP and not to go to someone’s party?

Member 3: Hey, [My Name.]

Member 4: W-what? Of course not!

Member 1: I can’t believe you! I never did anything to you! *She slams her hands against the table and stands up, knocking her chair over in the process. She points her finger in my face.* You need to change your attitude! This is a criminal offense, and I’m going to treat it like one!

She storms out of the room, past Members 3 and 4, who are completely bewildered. It’s silent for about three seconds until I burst laughing. It takes almost fifteen minutes for everyone else to calm me down to get the full story. Member 1 never returned after that; she also pulled her sister and best friend away from the group. No one missed her.