(My dad works at a grocery store. I go there for a few items and see him passing by, so I say hi and he gives me a hug. Then, out of nowhere, a woman screens at him to “get your hands off that poor teenager!” I am twenty-one but look much younger. I also get my appearance from my mom and look almost nothing like my dad.)

Dad: *understandably stunned and confused* I-Is there a problem, ma’am?

(The woman ignores him, grabs my arm, and pulls me away from him.)

Woman: Sweetie, are you alright? He didn’t hurt you, did he?

Me: *just as stunned and confused as my dad* Uh, no.

Woman: *steps protectively in front of me and starts screaming at my dad* You disgusting piece of s***! I’m calling the police! You should be ashamed of yourself! Harassing teenage girls! Disgusting!

Dad: Ma’am, this is my daughter. And, she’s twenty-one.

Woman: Bulls***! I’m calling the cops!

(My dad’s boss – who has known me since I was actually was a teenager – overhears and rushes over.)

Boss: What’s going on here?

Woman: Your employee was inappropriately touching this poor girl!

Me: *still in shock* He hugged me.

Boss: Ma’am, they are father and daughter. They are perfectly allowed to hug each other.

Woman: My god, you’re a pedophile too, aren’t you!? I’ll sue you! This place will be shut down by tomorrow! *storms off, still ranting about the store being run by pedophiles*

(Needless to say, the police never showed up, the store is still open, and my dad didn’t get in any trouble.)

(I’m working breakfast when a regular customer comes in with a friend I’ve not seen before, they’re sat in my section and I go to serve them)

Friend: And that’s why I hurt and am walking funny. (Sees me) oh sh*t

Me: good morning, what can I get you today? (Regular is dying laughing, her friend goes bright red)

Friend: can I have the all in breakfast?

(This requires me asking how many if each item you’d like….. we go through the list and theres lots of laughing, innuendo and jokes at the friends expense)

Me: sausage?

Friend: I dont like sausage.

Me: *smirks* that’s not what I heard. (Both women burst out laughing. We finish her order and I move to the regular customer)

Regular: I’ll have the same without hot drinks, I’m dying for a big cock….. (we all roar with laughter and she about dies of embarrassment) coke… I need a coke.

(I’m an ambassador for my university, which essentially means anytime there’s a recruiting event, such as open house or conducting tours, we help out. Well, I had just finished an open house and I am at a popular wholesale store with my roommate. We are both still wearing our ambassador polos and name tags. Our polos are bright red and say our university name and ambassador and our names also say “University Ambassador”. The wholesale stores colors are blue and green and the employees wear lanyards. We are standing in the aisle with hot chocolate and coffee debating which kind we should get.)

Random Lady: (Interrupting Us) “Excuse me, I see the coffee but I don’t see the little cups of coffee for, [Popular Single Serve Coffee Maker] where are they at?”

Me: “Uh…..I think they might be in the next aisle over, I saw some coffee over there?”

Random Lady: “Oh thank you so much! You all move things around too much!”

Me: (Turns to my roommate) “Did she think that I work here? I didn’t realize that [Mascot] red and [Wholesale Store] blue were the same color now.”

(the power goes out and so I go snuggle against my husband since these sorts of things tend to trigger my anxieties. I am just getting out of a week of depression where self-care has taken a back seat to self-loathing. The following conversation happens:)

ME: I was going to take a bath, but the power is out and I don’t just want to sit in the dark.

HUSBAND: Yeah, you are a little smelly today.

ME: I beg your pardon!

(He looks at me as if he may have just offended my ancestors and begins to backtrack)

ME: I’m not smelly, I’m FRAGRANT!

Dad: “How was school?”
Me: “Ugh! It was awful. Some girl called my friend the r-slur.”
Dad: “What’s the r-slur?”
Me: “You know… The one about disability…”
Dad: *blank look*
Me: “Retarded.”
Dad: “Oh! Well, does your friend have any…autistic tendencies?”
Me: “That’s not the point!”
Dad: “Well, if he does…”
Me: “No! You shouldn’t say that!”
Dad: “Don’t be so sensitive!”
Me: *storms off*