(Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)

Me: “[Hotel]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”

Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive?”

Customer: “Oh, no, we’re not coming by boat.”

Me: “Okay, helicopter, then?”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s silly.”

Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here?”

Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”

Customer: “You can’t?”

Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”

Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”

Me: *headdesk*

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Customer: “My computer won’t do anything.”

Me: “Okay, can you try rebooting it?”

Customer: “You want me to turn off my mouse?”

Me: “No, I want you to reboot your computer.”

Customer: “You want me to turn off my monitor?”

Me: “Um, no. I want you to reboot your computer, the tower.

Customer: “Which one is that?”

Me: “The big box on the ground… the thing you put CDs into.”

Customer: “Oh, okay hang on… it’s still not working.”

Me: “Okay, what’s it doing?”

Customer: “It’s asking me to put in my password but nothing’s working.”

Me: “Hmm, do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse?”

Customer: “How can I tell?”

Me: “Pick up your keyboard.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Do you see a cable attached to it?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, you have a wireless keyboard. Try replacing the batteries. Is your mouse working?”

Customer: “How can I tell?”

Me: “When you move the mouse do you see the cursor move?”

Customer: “No, I just see an arrow move.”

Me: “Well then, your mouse is working.”

(Real Estate agents, possibly the dumbest users on earth.)

(A customer called in because she did not remember her password to one of our online applications. For federal reasons, we have to verify identity, usually with their birth date and/or some part of their social security number before we can reset a password.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, I just need to know your birth date.”

Customer: “How am I supposed to know that?”

(I work in a coffee place that has “special” names for their sizes. Since no one can ever get them right, I just started saying small, medium, and large to make it easier.)

Customer: “I’ll have a vanilla latte, please.”

Me: “Sure. Would you like the large?”

Customer: “Yeah. That’s the small, right?”

Customer: “So the pork… is that like, fish?”

Me: “No… it’s like, pig.”

Customer: “Oh.”