Me: “Welcome to [Smoothie Store]! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Good morning to you! I need the large blueberry please.”

Me: “All right, sir, I’ll get those started for you. What kind of free boost would you like in your smoothies?”

Customer: “You know what my favorite and the best boost of all is?”

Me: “No, sir, I don’t. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Jesus.”

Me: “Oh, haha. You would like a Jesus boost?”

Customer: “Why, yes, I like to boost my day with Jesus every day! Are you filled with the light? Have you accepted Christ into your life?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I have. So what boost would you like in your smoothie?”

Customer: “I told you already.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, looks like we’re fresh out of Jesus today.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s too bad. I’ll just have the whey protein, then.”

Customer: “Hmm. Are you tribal?”

Me: “Um, no. I am white.”

Customer: “No, you are seriously tribal.”

Me: “Well, I’m part Cherokee…”

Customer: “No, that’s not it.”

Me: “I’m part Norwegian?”

Customer: “THAT’S IT!”

Me: “Hi, can I help?”

Customer: “I’d like a wheatgrass shot and an apple, carrot, ginger, and orange juice.”

Me: “Would you like size one, two, or three?”

Customer: “One.”

Me: “Would you like any extra boosters?”

Customer: “No. Stop trying to sell me things.”

Me: “That’s [amount]. Do you have a loyalty card?”

Customer: “I’m not even loyal to my WIFE.”

Me: “…”

(The lunch rush has just come and gone, and now the early release seniors from the local high school are trickling in.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Smoothie Shop].”

Blonde Customer: “Mmm… I think I’ll try the Mahalo Mango today.”

Redhead Customer: “Oooh. I heard mangoes are kinda bitter.”

Blonde Customer: “Ew… like, can I get that without mango then?”

Me: “Would you rather the Power Pineapple? It’s the same smoothie, just pineapple instead of mango.”

Blonde Customer: “No, I want to try something new… so, yeah. Mahalo Mango without the mango.”

Me: “Okay… what would you like instead of the mango?”

Blonde Customer: “Um… can I get pineapple?”

Customer: “What does the mango smoothie taste like? Does it taste like oranges?”

Me: “It tastes like… mangoes?”

Customer: *exasperated* “No, mango is a COLOR. I want to know what it TASTES like.”

Me: “Sir, mango is a fruit. The mango smoothie tastes like mango.”

Customer: “Ugh, whatever. What does the strawberry one taste like?”

Me: “It tastes like strawberries.”

Customer: “I’ll take one of those!”

Coworker: *to me* “You should’ve told him it tasted like red.”