(I’m at my wit’s end, desperately trying to find a job in a crumbling economy. My sister thinks she’s found a solution.)

Sister: “I know what you can do! Go to clown school and become a clown! You can entertain children at birthday parties!”

Me: “But I hate children.”

Sister: “Exactly! Children are terrified of clowns!”

Me: “…oh, my gosh, you’re right! That idea is actually brilliant!”

(I probably won’t actually pursue a career as a clown, but if I did, we decided my name would be “Stabby the Monster Clown” and my assistants would be a three-foot python and a rottweiler in realistic zombie makeup, named Cuddles.)

(I’m browsing through some online clothing stores when my heavily pregnant sister, who is due soon, comes up behind me.)

Sister: *reading the text on a tank top* “I won’t quit but I will cuss the whole time.”

(There’s a pause.)

Sister: “Do you think they make that in maternity sizes?”

(I’m at a family gathering at my sister’s house. I see that one of my other sisters is wearing a cute shirt, and decide to compliment her on it.)

Me: “Hey, [Sister #1], that’s a really cute shirt. I should go shopping with you, so you can help me find cute clothes.”

Sister #1: “Actually, I don’t know where it came from. Mom just brought it home one day.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

(A little later in the evening, I start talking with my two-year-old niece.)

Me: “[Niece], that’s a really cute shirt. I should have you take me shopping!”

Sister #2: “[My Name], you bought that shirt for her.”

Mum: *hands me a garbage bag* “Here you go!”

Me: “Why are you giving me this?”

Mum: “Because it’s time to clean the car, like you agreed.”

Me: “No, I agreed to cut the lawn. [Sister] does the car this week.”

Mum: “Well, she’s lying down. It’s her—” *whispers* “—time of the month.”

Me: “How long does the ‘time of the month’ last?”

Mum: “About a week. Surely you knew that!”

Me: “I do. It’s just, she used that excuse two weeks ago.”

(I leave and start cleaning the car. I hear shouting from inside, and after a while my mum appears with my sister.)

Mum: “[My Name], you can go back inside. [Sister] will finish up, AFTER apologising.”

Sister: “But MUM! I’m really on my period this time!”

Mum: “Then this will be a good lesson for you. Pretending to be on your period to get out of chores… It’s no wonder men don’t take us seriously at work!”

(I sneaked out later to help, feeling a bit sorry for her. She wasn’t too happy with me. My mum doesn’t trust her at all now, and marks off a calendar whenever she says she can’t do her chores because of her period.)

My family lives in an apartment, at the unit at the end of the corridor. The lift (elevator), though, is around the corner. My brother and I are close in age, and tend to try to scare each other by hiding around the corner where the lift is.

One day, I successfully scared my brother. He vowed revenge and I tried to be extra careful the next times I went out. A couple days later, my brother and I had to go out together. He went off first while I stayed to lock the gate.

As I was locking the gate, my (elderly) neighbour came out and started towards the lift. I tried to hurry and intercept her, but I didn’t make it in time. I got to the corner in time to see my brother jumping out and screaming “AHHHH!” thinking that that was me. My neighbour, in turn, gave as good as she got, and screamed loudly before whacking at my brother with her cane.

Of course, my brother blamed me for not warning him. I dined on that incident for weeks.