(Note: our computers are really old and crash all the time. We aren’t allowed to close the store unless there’s an emergency, so we have paper forms to do transactions by hand when this happens. We’ve also recently hired a new and relatively clueless manager.)

Me: “Oh, crap. Hey [New Manager], the computers are down again, and rebooting them isn’t working. Can you call comp support so we can get them fixed?”

New Manager: “Oh, sure, just let me lock up the store first.”

Me: “Um, we’re not allowed to lock up the store just because the computers are down.”

New Manager: “If we can’t do business, we have to lock up the store.”

Me: “We do transactions by hand when the computers are down and put them into the computers later.”

New Manager: “But that’s impossible! No one can do business without computers! Business didn’t even EXIST before computers!”

Me: “It’s entirely possible. It just takes a calculator and some patience.”

New Manager: “Well, I’m not doing that s***. I’m going to lock up the store until the computers are up.”

(At this point, the store manager has just come in for her shift and has heard part of our conversation.)

Store Manager: “Actually, you can do transactions by hand or you can be fired.”

New Manager: “You can’t fire me for that!”

Store Manager: “For violating company policy and refusing to do your job? Yes I can!”

(It’s my birthday, and my girlfriend has cooked me an amazing dinner at home. Note: she has lost 90% of her left leg due to bone cancer when she was 17. The other thing to note is that my car’s radio/cassette player has been stolen, so I use an old boom box. Because the boom box had started melting in the car due to the Phoenix heat, I’ve gotten into the habit of bringing it inside with me when I leave my car. Thus, my girlfriend isn’t surprised when I bring the boom box in.)

My Girlfriend: “So? How was it?”

Me: “‘How was it?’ Are you kidding? You’re a fantastic cook!”

My Girlfriend: *smiling* “Okay…gift time!”

Me: “You mean you planned more than steak and potatoes for your ‘steak and potatoes’ man?”

My Girlfriend: “Yup.”

(She hands me an envelope, which I promptly open up.)

Me: “Sting tickets? You got me Sting tickets?! Oh my God, I love you!”

My Girlfriend: “I thought you’d like it!”

Me: “I love it! And you! And now… your present.”

My Girlfriend: “My present? It’s your birthday.”

Me: “Trust me on this one.”

(I pick her up and set her down on her one leg in the middle of her living room. She didn’t usually wear her prosthetic at home because it is uncomfortable.)

My Girlfriend: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Shhh. I said to trust me.”

(I move to the boom box and hit play for the CD. Our song, Celine Dion’s “Because You Loved Me,” starts playing. I then start to slow dance with my girlfriend.)

My Girlfriend: *tearing up* “I haven’t danced since I lost my leg.”

Me: *softly* “I know…”

(We slow-danced until the song was over, with her shedding tears of joy the whole way through the song. And while our relationship didn’t last, it was a truly amazing date for that dance alone.)

(I’ve been working at this store for three years. All the staff knows I’m gay and has met my girlfriend several times when she’s come to pick me up after work. The new coworker has been around for a week but is completely clueless in many many ways. He walks up to me while I’m restocking candy.)

New Coworker: *in his best suave jock voice* “So, I saw on the schedule that you and I both get off work at the same time today. How about we grab a movie and hang out at my place tonight?”

Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Oh, yeah, I’m sure my girlfriend would just love that.”

New Coworker: “Ha! Good one! But no really, we should totally go to my place and make out. It’ll be hot.”

Me: “Ha! Good one!”

(I still think he’s joking, but hold up my wrist wearing my rainbow-colored “I don’t even think straight” wristband just in case.)

Me: “But no, really, my girlfriend would turn you inside out. She teaches at the [martial arts gym] down the street.”

New Coworker: “Holy s***! You’re gay?! Since when?”

(This whole time, my manager has been at the register two feet away. He’s trying not to laugh.)

Manager: “She’s been gay since forever, dude. Didn’t you see when her girlfriend came to pick her up yesterday and kissed her hello?”

New Coworker: “Yeah, but I thought they were just making out to look hot for all the guys! Girls do that all the time!”

Me: “Please tell me you’re not serious.”

New Coworker: “Duh! Everyone knows that. It’s only gay if it’s two guys. Girls are supposed to kiss when there are guys around, because it’s hot and girls HAVE to act hot for guys!”

Me: *utterly shocked*

Manager: “Wow… that’s just a little misogynistic. I think you need to get back to work and not bring the topic up ever again, or you’re fired.”

(Not surprisingly, my new coworker gets fired AND arrested a few days later for propositioning on one of our regulars. Our regular is not only very pretty, but is also only 15 and her father is a cop!)

This story is part of our Women’s Equality Day roundup!

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Read the Women’s Equality Day roundup!

(While checking in on a patient…)

Me: “Do you know the name of your primary care doctor?”

Patient: “Oh, I don’t remember that.”

Me: “Do you remember anything about them? The name of the practice, or what street it’s on?”

Patient: “It’s either a man or a woman.”

Me: “I see…”

(I’m at a fast food restaurant having a meal with my family.)

Me: “This chocolate turnover would taste better if it was warm.”

Stepfather: “Ask them to heat it up. The worst they can say is no.”

(I ask the nearest employee if they can heat up the turnover.)

Employee #1: “Sure!”

(As promised, Employee #1 puts the turnover in the microwave. However, he soon returns without the turnover.)

Employee #1: “I… um… your turnover caught on fire.”

Me: “What?”

(Overhearing this, another employee speaks up.)

Employee #2: *to Employee #1* “Did you put it on our wrapping paper?”

Employee #1: “Yes.”

Employee #2: “The wrapping paper with ALUMINUM FOIL on it?”

Employee #1: “Yes…”

(To this day, my family’s new saying is “The worst that can happen is that your turnover will catch on fire!”)