(I call a customer because her order has arrived.)
Me: “Good morning, this is [Store]. Your owl has arrived. You can pick him up at your convenience.”
Customer: “Great! I’ll come by today!”
Me: “If you need any advice, you can call us any time.”
Customer: “Oh, but I’ve read up on owls. Raw meat every day and walks twice a day! And buy earplugs before every full moon!”
Me: “Um, ma’am, you know it’s a bird, right?”
(This happened during one of our new hire’s first shifts. We are beginning to see that it isn’t going to work out.)
Coworker: *shouting from the back of the store* “Uh, we have a problem!”
Me: “What happened?!”
Coworker: “I spilled the mop bucket all over the floor.”
Me: “Oh, that’s not a big deal. I thought you hurt yourself or something.”
Coworker: “How do I clean it up?”
Me: “…With the mop?”
Coworker: “Oh, okay!”
(Fifteen minutes later, I go investigate why my coworker hasn’t reappeared and find water still all over the floor.)
Me: “I thought you cleaned this up.”
Coworker: “The mop stopped soaking up the water, so I used a whole roll of paper towels!”
Me: *facepalm*
(The phone rings. I am on the sales floor in front of our tanks of fish for sale.)
Caller: “Hi, I need you to get on the computer and look up what fish you have and how much they are.”
Me: “I’d be glad to help you out. I’m standing right in front of the fish, so I can actually tell you right now how much they are and how many we have.”
Caller: “No, I need you to get on the computer and look it up. I can’t easily come down to the store, so I want to see how many of each fish you have and what the price is.”
Me: “What species were you looking for? I can just look and tell you how many we have and what the price is. It will be faster and more accurate than the inventory program, which I don’t have access to anyway.”
Caller: “You can’t get on the computer?”
Me: “No, ma’am, but I’d be happy to just look at the fish themselves. I can see how many we have in stock and give you the prices. What species were you looking for?”
Caller: “Never mind!” *hangs up*
Me: *speechless*
(I am helping a man at the fish department when this happens.)
Customer: “So, goldfish evolve into koi when they outgrow their tank…”
(I look at him waiting for him to say he’s joking, but he’s completely serious.)
Me: “It’s a fish, sir, not a pokémon.”
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(I’m working in the pet department, cleaning out the dead fish in the tanks. A small girl, probably about five or six, approaches me.)
Girl: “Are you taking care of the fish?”
Me: “Yes, I am.”
Girl: *noticing the dead fish* “There’s a dead fish in there!”
Me: “Yeah, I’m taking care of the dead fish.”
Girl: “What are you doing with the dead fish?!”
Me: “No, I’m—”
Girl: “STOP KILLING ALL THE FISHES!”
(Thankfully, the mother comes and grabs her, apologizes profusely, and quickly walks away.)
