(This is the second time this customer has called in today for the same issue, after calling in three times about it yesterday.)

Me: “I can understand how you are frustrated that your email is not working in Outlook. However, it still works in webmail, so why don’t you use that for the time being until we hear back from our hosting technicians about your issue?”

Caller: “That’s not what I’m paying for! I want you to fix my Outlook right now!”

Me: “Sir, we do not provide Outlook. We provide the webmail that routes to your email, so you aren’t paying us for something that is unavailable. The webmail still works, so you can still use that for now.”

Caller: “I don’t want to use that archaic piece of garbage! I want my Outlook! You guys are putting me out of business!”

Me: “So, you won’t use webmail, even though it still works, because you don’t like the layout?”

Caller: “I want my Outlook back! You are putting me out of business with this delay!”

(Note: it has been less than 24 hours since the original complaint was filed.)

Me: “Sir, our technicians are working on the issue. This issue will take time to fix.”

Caller: “Well, I’m not seeing any effort! Tell them to work faster! I will be calling back this afternoon to speak with a supervisor! You are putting me out of business!”

Me: “Sir, there is nothing that can be done except wait and use the webmail service for now.”

Caller: “But I don’t want to use webmail! I want to use my Outlook! You go tell those guys to stop drinking coffee and fix my email! Don’t you understand how I feel?”

Me: “Certainly, sir, but the webmail service we provide is still working, so you can use it for the time being to keep in contact with your clients and your business won’t be affected.”

Caller: “You aren’t listening! Forget it! You’re putting me out of business and I will not use the webmail!” *hangs up*

Caller: “Hello, this is [Name] from [Company]. I’m calling to get the satellite hooked up.”

Me: “I’m sorry, could you say that again?”

Caller: “This is [Name] from [Company] in Guyana. You know, Guyana, South America. We ordered satellite service last week.”

(Our company has nothing to do with satellites. We do not have service anywhere near Guyana. I explain as such to the caller.)

Caller: “Oh. Well, where are you located? Brazil?”

Me: “No, sir. We’re up in Canada.”

Caller: “Oh dear, I DO have the wrong number, don’t I?”

Me: “Hi. Thank you for calling [Bank]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I never received my statement this month! You are just sitting on it and waiting for me to be late! You want to rack up my rate and screw me over! You are even billing me for stuff I never bought!”

Me: “Sir, what charge are you referring to?”

Caller: “This one by [company].”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m reviewing your account and I don’t see that charge on there.”

Caller: “Are you stupid? I see it right here black and white! Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “No, sir. I do apologize. I’m just not able to see the charge you are referring to. Are you looking at the statement with that charge on it?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “Okay, so I’m going to pull up the statement you’re looking at, so I can see what you see. Is it the statement that says from this month to this month?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “And it has this balance at the top, and this transaction and this transaction on these dates?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “Well, sir. I do see the charge here from [company]. It is showing as an escort service. It seems to be from the same company you always use. They just changed the way the name appears on the bill. Also, the statement in your hand is the one you just told me you never received. As we have now established you did in fact receive it, when can we expect the payment to be coming in?”

Caller: *click*

Caller: “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not a technically savvy person.”

Me: “Well, that’s fine. We should be able to get this working. Can you go ahead and click on the start menu?”

Caller: *pause* “Start menu?”

Me: “Yeah, the little button on the bottom-left of your screen. It’s either a circle with the logo or a rectangle that says ‘start’. It’s right there on your taskbar.”

Caller: *pause* “Taskbar?”

Me: “Yeah, the little bar with all the icons right at the bottom of your desktop.”

Caller: *pause* “Desktop?”

Me: “You know what? I’m just going to connect to your computer remotely and do it myself.”

Caller: *pause* “Thank you?”

Customer: “I need to return this card.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “I bought it for my wife’s birthday. It’s a very nice card, but I missed the last line.”

(I look at the card, and it reads ‘to the man I love’. The refund was given.)