Me: *on the phone* “[Publishing Office], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Is Mr. [Name] in?”

Me: “I’m sorry, Mr. [Name] passed away last month.”

Caller: “Well, when is he coming back?!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I direct your call?”

Caller: “I’m in a meeting.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “I’m in a meeting.”

Me: “Sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Caller: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m in a meeting.”

Me: “Sir, you called me.”

Caller: “Yes, I called to let you know I’m in a meeting.”

Me: “…” *hangs up*

Agent: “I sent in the paperwork over a week ago. Why hasn’t this been processed?”

Me: *looking up record* “I don’t see that we’ve received it. What address did you send it to?”

(The agent gives an address in Los Angeles of a company with a similar name we are not affiliated with.)

Me: “Our office is located in San Francisco. We’re not actually affiliated with the company in L.A.”

Agent: “Well, what do we do now?”

Me: “It’s possible that they’ll forward it to our address which is printed on the paperwork, but the fastest way would be for you to submit a new form.”

Agent: “Can’t you just drive over there and get it?”

Me: “Well, no, sir. It’s in L.A. and we’re in San Francisco.”

Agent: “So?”

Me: “It’s at the opposite end of the state.”

Agent: “You can’t just go get it?”

Me: “San Francisco is not near L.A.”

Agent: *angrily* “Well, how far is it?”

Me: “About 400 miles.”

Agent: “…”

Me: “It would take about nine hours in each direction.”

Agent: “You aren’t being very helpful.”

(I am the second-in-command at a social services agency. One day, our receptionist asks me to take a phone call from a person who is very upset about the way she is being treated, and wants to talk to the person in charge.)

Me: “Hello, I’m [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: *angry* “Are you in charge there?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I am the most senior person here. What can I do for you?”

Caller: *yelling* “So you have a boss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!”

Me: “My supervisor isn’t here right now. I have the authority to help you, ma’am, if you’ll just let me know what it is you need–”

Caller: “I REFUSE TO SPEAK TO ANYONE BUT YOUR SUPERVISOR! YOU ARE ALL USELESS!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, my supervisor isn’t here right now. I am in charge.”

Caller: “YOU ARE USELESS!” *hangs up*

Me: *to the receptionist* “Did she tell you anything about what she needed?”

Receptionist: “Yes, she said she needed to take anger management classes.”

This story is part of our Even More Ironic Customers roundup!

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Me: “Good morning, this is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi there! About a month ago you guys had a festival in the park, right?”

Me: “Yes, we did. It was excellent. Did you attend it?”

Caller: “No, I had just remembered seeing the ad for it in the newspaper.”

Me: “Okay. Well, that one is over but we will be having another Christmas festival in December.”

Caller: “That’s fantastic, but I was wondering… above your ad was an ad for a jewelry store. Do you remember?”

Me: “No, I don’t; I’m sorry. I just placed the ad. I didn’t really see it in the newspaper.”

Caller: “Well, it was for a jewelry store… I was wondering if you knew what store it was and if you have their number handy?”

Me: “Umm, no, I don’t. Maybe you can call the newspaper and find out?”

Caller: “Well, why don’t YOU have it?! It was above YOUR ad!”