(I work night audit at a big name hotel chain. During one night audit shift, I have a female guest come up to the desk. She has already checked in and is just walking around the building, but she has to stop and tell me about her woes.)

Me: “Good evening, how can I help you?”

(There is no response to the greeting; she just immediately goes into her story without any intro.)

Guest: “So, the ‘government’ called me today.” *uses air-quotes on the word government* “They told me I qualified for a $9,000 loan, but in order to receive it, I needed to go and purchase $250 in gift cards.”

(At this point, I’m thinking, “This can’t be leading into what I think it is.” She continues.)

Guest: “So, I bought these gift cards, called them back, and gave them the numbers off the cards, but then they wanted me to go and purchase $600 more in the same gift cards.”

(I open my mouth to try and cut in on her story, because at this point, I know she’s the victim of a scam but she keeps going.)

Guest: “So, I went online and looked them up, and I realized it was a scam! So, I called this company back and told them that I found out what they were trying to do, that I wouldn’t fall for it, and that I was going to call the FBI and blast them on the internet any way I could!”

(She was so proud of herself at this moment. After that, she walked away. I didn’t get a word in on this conversation, but I was floored. I couldn’t believe people actually still fell for this kind of scam. Thankfully, she only lost $250, but she could’ve lost a lot more. People, please, do not fall for these scams. And do not dump your life troubles on us innocent night auditors.)

(I work night shift at a local hotel. About half an hour into my shift, the phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got a question. What’s your policy on hotels?”

(The customer is obviously drunk.)

Me: *pausing, not quite sure if I heard properly* “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

Customer: “What’s your policy on hotels?”

Me: “Well, I like them.”

Customer: “So, if I come to your hotel and I don’t like it, you won’t kick me out?”

Me: “Nope, promise.”

Customer: “I got one more question. What if I want to bring some exotic animals with me?”

(At this point, all doubt that this is a prank call is gone; in fact, in the hotel industry, this is a fairly common prank. I decide to have some fun with the ‘customer.’)

Me: “Well, you could certainly eat them on the way.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to eat them. I want to bring them as pets.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t allow any pets.”

Customer: “What about a miniature giraffe?”

Me: “Sure, you could eat that on the way.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to eat it.”

Me: “Why not? You should expand your horizons. It might be delicious. You don’t know!”

Customer: “That’s a really expensive meal, though.”

Me: “Well, sometimes you have to treat yourself!”

Customer: *laughs, hangs up*

(I share the story with the bartender and his friend who happens to be present, and we all get a good chuckle. Perhaps five minutes later, the phone rings again. Our caller ID tells me that it’s the same person.)

Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to find out where you are.”

Me: “We’re at [Address, plus directions].”

Customer: “Okay, I have another question. What’s your pet policy?”

Me: “Well, we allow miniature giraffes.”

Customer: *laughs uncontrollably*

Me: “Were you aware that we have caller ID, Mr. [Customer]? Because we totally do.”

Customer: *click*

(He didn’t call back after that.)

(I work at a hotel in reservations. We get a lot of calls from one particular third-party booking company who doesn’t seem to hire the smartest people. After the standard arguing with the representative, she asks me for my name for her notes.)

Me: “It’s [My First Name].”

Representative: “And the initial of your last name?”

Me: “It’s J.”

Representative: “And how do you spell that?”

Me: “…It’s J?”

Representative: “And how do you SPELL that?”

Me: “J. It’s one letter!”

Representative: *sighs* “HOW do you SPELL THAT?!”

Me: “J! My initial is J! You can’t spell out one letter!”

Representative: “Fine! I’ll just put [My First Name] and that you refused to give your initial!” *hangs up*

Me: *answers phone* “Hi, This is the front desk!”

Guest: “Hi. I was wondering how to turn off the light in the bathroom. I’ve been looking everywhere, but there’s no switch for it!”

Me: “Oh, yes, that’s actually a skylight!”

Guest: “Oh… so?”

Me: *joking* “It’s the sun so it doesn’t turn off.”

Guest: *obviously confused* “…what?”

Me: “It’ll turn off when it gets dark outside.”

Guest: “Well, that’s all I needed to know!” *hangs up*

Coworker: *overheard the conversation and is laughing her butt off*

(I get a lot of rude people throwing their credit cards at me. One day it happened one time too many.)

Rude Customer: *blathering on phone, throws card at me*

(The card falls in crack between my desk and wall.)

Me: “Oops, can’t reach that. Do you have another card?” *big grin*

Rude Customer: *to phone* “Hold on a second.” *to me* “You’ll get that, b****, or else!” *shakes fist*

Me: *bigger grin* “Can’t. Now, pay or lose your room!”

(She rants expletives at me, and I just smile, which only makes her madder. Finally the manager is called.)

Rude Customer: “She dropped my card and that’s my only one!”

Me: “Not true; she threw it at me. Check the cameras.”

(The customer choked, then flounced away. She later complained the corporate, and got a free certificate! Her card is still there as far as I know.)