Customer: “I’m looking for something that ain’t made in China. This one says made in EU… what’s that mean?”
Me: “It means it’s made in the European Union.”
Customer: “Billy! Billy come quick! This lady says Europe’s a union now!”
Me: “No, ma’am, it means…”
Billy: “Europe united? ”
Me: “Sir, the European Union is…”
Billy: “‘Bout g*d**n time. It was them d*** countries that started the war!”
(A man comes into the store. He’s covered in tattoos, sporting a buzz cut and a solid gold grill, and wearing a wife-beater. He comes up to me.)
Man: “Uh, yeah, do you guys have a KKK costume?”
Me: “No… no, we don’t.”
Man: “Oh, uh, do you know where I could get one?”
Me: *repulsed* “I guess you could make one, but you’re not going to find it in any store in town.”
(He walks off, but returns about five minutes later.)
Man: “Do you have a Lorena Bobbitt costume?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
Man: *leaves*
Coworker: “Who the h*** would WANT one?!”
(A customer comes in looking for a specific FM transmitter. I point him in the right direction and he comes back five minutes later with the device in hand.)
Me: “Found it all right?”
Customer: “Yup. I came, I saw, I conquered.”
Me: “Veni, vidi, vici?”
Customer: “What the h*** did you just call me?!”
(A tourist walks up to my register with a handful of trinkets. I ring her up, she pays, I bag the items, and hand her the coin change. As she steps away, I see a dollar still on the counter.)
Me: “Ma’am, you forgot the rest of your change.”
Tourist: “Oh! I guess I did, unless you were paying me in pesos.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Tourist: “Pesos. The money in Mexico.”
Me: “I know what a peso is, ma’am, but I’m not Mexican.”
Tourist: “Puerto Rican?”
Me: “Not even close.”
Tourist: “Cuban?”
Me: “No.”
Tourist: “What are you, then?”
Me: “I’m Native American.”
Tourist: “So am I.”
(She’s white as notebook paper.)
Me: “No, I mean the people here before white people.”
Tourist: “What do you mean?”
Me: “You don’t know about Natives? Indians?”
Tourist: “Oh, you mean the people John Wayne killed off.”
Me: “Just take your change.”
This story is part of our Native-American roundup.
(I work for a bookstore that sells bibles. We get a lot of interesting customers that call…)
Me: “[Bookstore], how may I help you?”
Customer: “Do you have the book of Chronicles?”
Me: “Do you want a commentary for it?”
Customer: “No. You know, the book of Chronicles that they talk about in the bible. Do you have that?”
Me: “…”
Customer: “Have you ever read a bible?”
Me: “Yes, I have…”
Customer: “Well, I’m looking for the book of Chronicles.”
Me: “Let me search our computer system and see if I can find something.” *I pretend to search the computer* “The only thing I can find is the actual books in the bible called first and second Chronicles.”
Customer: “Do y’all have that in the store? Where’s it at?”
(I pull a bible off the shelf and tell him the exact location of the books.)
Customer: “I’ve never seen that in any of my bibles.”
Me: “Sir, these two books have been in here for over 2,000 years.”
Customer: “Not in any bible I’ve read!”
(After the customer finally hung up, I asked my manager to shoot me.)
