(I work at a parking garage. It’s early in the day, and we are currently charging event rates for the day’s event. We are also hosting parking for a different event the next day, with the expectation of a full garage. A man drives in and asks for parking.)

Me: “Hi, how are you? It’s $20 to park here for the day.”

Customer: “Hi, I’m staying at the [Hotel] for the night.”

Me: “Unfortunately, if you park here overnight, you will have to pay for both today and tomorrow unless you leave by five am tomorrow. May I ask what time you are leaving?”

Customer: “I’m leaving at six pm.”

Me: “Then it would be $20 for today and $20 for tomorrow, so you would have to pay $40 total. I would advise you park at the [Hotel], because it would only be $30 and you get free ins and outs, alongside better overnight security.”

Customer: “I’m only going to pay for today.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I must ask you to leave unless you pay the full amount.”

Customer: “I said I’m only going to pay for today. You are being disrespectful!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, then you must leave.”

Customer: “I’m only going to pay for today! I’ve parked here overnight before and didn’t have to pay for two days!”

Me: “Then the cashier didn’t follow corporate policy. If you wish, I can call my manager up.”

Customer: “You do that.”

Me: *on phone with my manager* “This customer doesn’t want to pay for both nights.”

Manager: “Then tell him to get out.”

Me: “He refuses to leave until he talks to you. I’ll put him on the line.”

(I attempt to put the customer on the line.)

Customer: “I don’t want to talk to him on the phone; bring him over here!”

(My manager hears and proceeds to drive over to my garage. I have the customer park off to the side so I can charge the customers behind him.)

Customer: “You didn’t charge him for two days!”

Me: “He’s not staying overnight. You staying overnight, and not paying for two days is unfair to the large amount of customers who we expect tomorrow, and especially those who pre-ordered parking. A lot of customers from the [Hotel] come here, and they are all told the same thing.”

Customer: “No, you’re being disrespectful!”

(My manager arrives and begins to talk to the customer while I begin charging a horde of newly-arrived cars. He yells at my manager for a good ten minutes until he finally speeds out of the garage.)

Me: “What happened with the customer?”

Manager: “He was yelling about how he should only have to pay for one day, so I told him he should get out. He then started complaining about being disrespected by both you and me, and he sped out and left.”

(That word… I don’t think it means what he thinks it means.)

(A customer comes in with a microwave in its box in their cart.)

Me: “Hi, how we doing today?”

Customer: “Crappy.”

Me: *lifting the microwave box out* “So, what was the reason for this return?”

Customer: “It blew.”

Me: “Blew up? Well, that’s not good. Were you using it at the time?”

Customer: “NO. It’s not blown up.”

Me: “But you said it blew.”

Customer: “Listen here, you moron: it’s blue. B. L. U. E.”

(This prompts me to blink and then raise an eyebrow. As I start to open the box, my manager comes over, and the customer begins to get in a huff.)

Customer: “What, you don’t trust me? You’re just racist like everyone else.”

Me: “Honestly, I’m just curious. I’ve never seen a blue microwave before.”

(She starts going off on a rant about how we’re obviously racist, while my manager shoots me a quizzing look. I shrug and open the box, then pull out the foam.)

Customer: “I knew I shouldn’t have come here, with you stupid racists. I’m going to complain. You idiots don’t know what you’re doing. I wanted stainless steel, and that moron back there sold me a blue microwave.”

(At this point, I know exactly what’s wrong, and try to chime in, only to have her yell at me to shut up. The manager is trying to explain, but she’s not hearing it. Halfway through her latest rant, I finally manage to get a bit of the film up, and I grab it and pull hard. There’s a LOUD ripping sound, revealing the stainless steel underneath. The customer looks at me in shock, and I shrug.)

Me: “It’s not blue now. The film, you see: you have to take it off. It protects the stainless steel.”

(The woman reluctantly took the microwave back. About twenty minutes later, while I was at lunch, the lady’s husband came back. My manager came looking for me, and I came out. The lady’s husband handed me a large pizza from the local pizza place, and then chuckled, saying that he’d tried to explain it to her, but she wouldn’t listen to him. The pizza was her idea to apologize for making an idiot of herself. Free lunch. I can’t complain.)

Me: “While I have you on the phone, I need your expertise.”

Sister: “Add lime.”

Me: “What?”

Sister: “From dead bodies to margaritas, everything’s better with lime.”

Me: “Well, I was going to ask for color scheme suggestions for [party I’m helping coordinate], and Bright Lime Green is one of the choices…”

Sister: “Like I said, lime.”

Me: “What goes with bright lime green?”

Sister: “Dark purple.”

Me: “I think I can pitch that to the rest of the committee. Lime it is.”

(A customer approaches a coworker and me standing together.)

Customer: *while twirling his fingers around* “Do you have one of those things that’s like a shape with holes and feet? It’s kind of like a–” *gestures* “…but not a circle?”

Coworker: “Uh…” *while turning and pointing to me*

Me: “Yep, conduit clamps; aisle three, about a quarter way up on the left.”

(I walk that way with the customer and the coworker following behind.)

Me: “Here they are, in a variety of sizes.”

Customer: “Yes, this is exactly what I was looking for. I asked two other people, and they didn’t know what I was talking about. Thank you so much.”

(As I’m walking back to my department with the coworker again….)

Coworker: “Thanks. I knew if anyone here was fluent in spoken and signed gibberish, it would be you.”

(My mom is a dreamer and loves to travel. My father, on the other hand, is more of a homebody, and my mom lovingly refers to him as an old curmudgeon.)

Mom: “Man, I’d love to go to the beach. Or Paris. Or London.”

Dad: “Honey, when I’m gone, you can travel wherever you want to, whenever you want to.”

Mom: “Why do I have to wait?”

Dad: *pause* “Fair enough.”