(A customer walks up with a dead, five-foot-tall maple sapling at the garden center where I work. It has been cut with a handsaw and has obviously been dead for a least three or four months.)

Customer: “I want a refund! You sold me this tree last summer, but in November the leaves all turned yellow, dried out, and fell off. I want a refund!”

Me: “So, in autumn your tree lost its leaves?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Sir, broadleaf trees in Canada like this do lose their leaves in the fall and then grow back in the spring. Your tree was just dormant for the winter.”

Customer: “But after the leaves all fell off, I put it in the garage! Now it’s spring, and the leaves aren’t growing back, so it must be defective. I want a refund NOW!”

Me: “When you put your tree into your garage in the fall, how did you get it in there?”

Customer: “I cut it!”

Me: “So, you cut it down and now you want a refund because it’s dead?”

Customer: “I want to speak to the owner!”

(I call the owner, who is a hard-nosed woman in her sixties.)

Owner: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, this tree you sold me last year is dead. I want a refund.”

Owner: “Was it alive before you put a saw to it?”

Customer: “Well, it was, and then in November all of the leaves turned yellow and fell off, so I cut it and put it in my garage. Now I want a refund!”

Owner: “Get out of here!”

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(I am in the staff room and overhear this conversation between two coworkers.)

Coworker #1: “I was watching Animal Farm with my son, but he didn’t like it very much.”

Coworker #2: “Animal Farm? Isn’t that a bit scary for children?”

Coworker #1: “Well, it might have been Babe. I can’t remember.”

Coworker #2: “The films are a bit difficult to mix up! They’re completely different!”

Coworker #1: “No! Babe is just the children’s version of Animal Farm!”

(I am standing at the cash register of our store. A customer comes up and asks about our tulip bulbs, so I point them out and she goes over to them.)

Customer: “Well, aren’t you going to help me count them out?

Me: “Sure, ma’am, how many would you like?”

Customer: “500, obviously. You can’t expect me to do that on my own!”

Me: “Sure, ma’am, I’ll help you for the moment.”

(As we reach the 200-tulip mark, three other customers finish their shopping and line up at the cash. I’m the only cashier, so I go to help.)

Customer: “Hey! Where do you think you’re going?! I don’t have 500 yet!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I need to ring these people through. I’m the only cashier on duty. I can help you again once I’m finished.”

Customer: “You b****! You said you would help me, and now you want to back out? I can’t believe this!”

(Suddenly, the customer throws her bagged tulips onto the floor, scattering them everywhere. She then grabs handfuls of bulbs from the bin, throws them around the store, stands up, and marches out.)

(I have been helping a customer find an apple tree he wants to give as a gift.)

Me: “Just so you’re aware, if the person you’re buying this for doesn’t have another apple tree, or there isn’t one close by, this tree isn’t going to produce any fruit.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, apple trees only produce fruit through cross-pollination.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “Well, the simplest way for me to explain is: People are unable to reproduce with themselves, right?”

Customer: “So, is this tree male or female?”

Me: “Well, apple trees are asexual.”

Customer: “So, it’s gay?!”

Customer #1: “Oh, look! They’ve got cape gooseberries! I’ve got to get one!”

Customer #2: “Cape gooseberries? What are those?”

Me: “They’re the round orange fruits in a husk. They’re also called Physalis–”

Customer #2: “Oh! Syphilis! Yes, I know those!”