I work in the sales call center for an electronics store. Sometimes a caller will get confused and come through to us looking for tech support, in which case we simply transfer them into the correct queue. I have explained this to a caller.

Caller: “Oh, but it’s just a quick question! Don’t transfer me! I know it’ll be quick!”

Me: “I can help you if it’s a quick question, ma’am. If not, I will need to transfer you to our help desk.”

Caller: “It is quick! I just need to know how to access my emails.”

Me: “Oh, that should be easy. Just type [email web address] into your browser.”

Customer: “What’s a browser?”

Me: “The software you use to access your Internet?”

Customer: “Do I have Internet?”

Me: “…I’ll just transfer you to our help desk, ma’am.”

Customer: “What’s my phone number?”

Me: “Uh… you can find your phone number in your phone’s settings, sir. I can show you?”

He hands over the phone, but the screen is locked.

Me: “Sir, I need you to unlock your phone.”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “Uh… you type in your lock code.”

Customer: “What’s my lock code?”

Me: “Only you should know that, sir.”

Customer: “You’re not being very helpful.”

Me: “If you call our helpline, someone there might be able to bring up your account and help you.”

I set him up on our store phone and dial the number for him. He’s on hold for a few minutes, but then he calls me over.

Customer: “What’s my date of birth and address?”

I think the guy was an alien.

Way back in the day, I used to be a VCR tech. We couldn’t really fix much in-store; we had to send it out. People were always wanting something fixed but didn’t want to pay too much to fix it, since you could buy a new one for a cost similar to our repair costs.

Customer: “I hear you guys fix VCRs? I’ve got mine here, so… can you take a look?”

Me: “We can take a look, but we can’t give you an exact quote until we’ve opened it up and identified the problem.”

Customer: “Fine. Call me when you do.”

We take it in, and I call him when I’ve identified the problem and tell him the repair cost.

Customer: “That’s so much! I’m not paying that!”

Me: “I understand, sir. Please come back to collect your VCR.”

But he doesn’t. I have to make phone calls every couple of days to people that have things there to be picked up. I call this guy at least two times a week for months.

We can destroy a customer’s item if we follow a specific procedure: send out a first, second, and final warning through certified mail. I send these out every week. Because our customer service department gets the mail, and sucks at giving me the return receipts, it takes me most of a year to get receipts of all three letters.

Usually, when we destroy one, we smash it with a hammer and throw it in the compactor. Sometimes, I let someone who is upset with a customer smack one with the hammer. Not this one. I take it apart. Every single screw, every piece. I keep the VCR heads as a trophy.

Eventually, this a**hole shows up to pick it up.

Me: “Wait here, sir.”

I go and get the stack of paperwork that I sent and all the call logs, and I get my manager, just in case. I then tell the customer the story, showing him the paperwork, and the customer promptly loses his s***.

Customer: “I want a new one!”

Manager: “No. That’s not going to happen.”

Customer: “There isn’t anything left of it?”

I snatch up the trophy.

Me: “I think this is a piece of it. Want it?”

He stormed out, but it felt so good to have that name off my list!

Customer: “I want to get a [specific iPad].”

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t have any of those in stock at the moment.”

Customer: “What?! When will you get them back in?”

Me: “It might come on the next truck, but we aren’t sure since high-value items like that aren’t in the manifest for security reasons.”

Customer: *Freaking out* “What am I supposed to do, just wait and hope the iPad is in when I next come in? I need that iPad!”

Me: “I can put in a specific order for you, sir, but I can’t guarantee that it will be here until next week.”

Customer: “Aren’t you listening? I need it now! Are you like a [slur for disabled people] or something?”

He’s yelling when my coworker comes up and asks what the problem is. The customer tells my coworker, not knowing that this particular coworker is actually a contractor that works alongside me. This guy, my friend, works with me but isn’t beholden to the same rules as me.

My coworker immediately cuts through the bulls***.

Coworker: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have the iPad. You can come back tomorrow, and we might have it, or we might not. Or you can go somewhere else and buy it. I don’t care.”

The guy just stood there, stunned, and eventually left, mumbling incoherent stuff.

For the rest of the day, we made fun of the guy, imagining him to have some debilitating disease that would kill him in twelve hours if he didn’t have an iPad.

It is the middle of the MP3 revolution.

Customer: “Do you know how to download music onto a flash drive?”

Me: “Yes, sir. You will have to have the actual MP3 file on your computer. Just copy and paste it to your flash drive.”

Customer: “I tried that; it’s not working!”

Me: “Hmm, that’s odd. Can you show me what you do exactly?”

I pull up a folder on a laptop with the MP3 file in it. He then goes to YouTube, highlights the URL, and pastes it on to his flash drive.

Me: “Sir, you have to have the MP3 file on your computer.”

I then show him how to copy said MP3 file from the folder to his flash drive.

Customer: “Never mind; that means viruses. Of course, you would want me to get a virus so you can sell me a new laptop!”

I tried my best to keep a straight face while I referred him to my manager.