We Have A Large Problem
Barista: “Okay, and which size would you like?”
Me: “Uh… the larger one, please.”
Barista: “Ugh, we don’t have a larger one, we only have small and medium. Why can’t anyone understand that?!”
Me: “…”
Not The Kind Of Thing You Can Just Brush Off
(A pair of women come into my cafe and sit down at a corner table. To my surprise, one pulls a hairbrush from her handbag and begins to brush her hair right there in the dining area. Despite my disgust, I decide that she is sitting far enough away from any other customers to not cause them discomfort and don’t ask her to take her grooming to the bathroom. I take them their food and haven’t walked three steps back to my counter before I hear one exclaim:)
Customer: “Ugh, there’s hair in my food! How unhygienic!”
There’s A Lot About This Situation You Would Like To Change
(We have a regular who always likes to complain or cause a fuss about something or other, whether it’s the meal, the staff, or even the presence of other customers! This day she comes in with a friend and is suspiciously nice about everything. I think maybe she’s finally decided not to rile us anymore when she comes to my counter to pay for her £1.47 in items and hands me a £20 note. It’s been a busy day and I haven’t had a spare moment to top up my change yet and consequently have maybe £3 in 20p coins as the largest metal denomination and no £5 notes.)
Me: “I’m really sorry but I’m very low on change at the moment, since it’s been a busy day. Would you have anything smaller at all?”
Customer: “No! I only have this £20 and I really want change from it!”
Me: *glancing at my already behind list of orders and crying on the inside* “Would you mind if I quickly get some change from the office then?”
Customer: “Well, I’d really like to get going soon, but if you HAVE to—“
(I run like the wind to the office and dig out the remaining change that we have, which doesn’t include notes. I run back, not even bothering to put the change in through the till as this would waste the customer’s precious time and she’s already finger-tapping on the counter with an all too familiar expression.)
Me: “Right, I’ve found some change but I’m afraid there aren’t any £5 notes so it’ll have to be all in coins unless… Are you sure you don’t have aaaaanything smaller?”
Customer: “No. I want change!”
(I count out her change, using up almost half the change I’ve just collected. I see other customers looking impatient as this process means their drinks orders are getting further and further behind. I then look with pure horror as the customer opens her wallet, revealing two £5 notes and a MOUNTAIN of change that jingles heavily when she throws the new change on top of it.)
Customer: *to her friend as she walks out, not even thanking me upon leaving* “You can never have too much parking change, you know!”
(The other customers then complained that their drinks were taking too long and I had to have a jolly good frustrated swear in the bathroom after that!)
Getting All Misto-Eyed At Their Ignorance
(I work at a coffee shop known for their tendency to take unheard of amounts of abuse from customers. Their motto is “the customer is ALWAYS right,” even when they’re very, very wrong. A serious-looking man in business attire comes in and approaches my till.)
Customer: “I’d like a grande Americano misto with no water.”
(For those who don’t know, an Americano is espresso shots and water. An Americano misto is espresso shots with half water and half steamed milk.)
Me: “Oh! I think you mean a latte. Lattes are espresso with just milk and Americano mistos are espresso with half water and half steamed milk.”
Customer: “No. Lattes only have two shots of espresso. I want an Americano misto with no water. It has three shots.”
Me: “Okay, so that would be a triple grande latte.”
Customer: “Are you deaf? I want an Americano misto with no water. Just f****** do your job and make what I ordered.”
Me: “Okay, one triple grande latte.”
Customer: “No! I’m not paying for a latte! I didn’t order a latte! This happens every time! This is why you work here, because you’re too stupid to get a real job!”
Me: “Misto means ‘mixed.’ As in water mixed with milk. You want a latte, which is just espresso and milk. I can’t charge you for an Americano because your drink is using literally double the amount of milk that would be required for an Americano misto.”
Customer: “Listen, little girl, I want three espresso shots. That makes it an Americano misto. I’m not paying for a latte.”
Me: “Actually, water would make it an Americano misto. So you can either pay for a latte or I can make you an Americano misto. With water.”
Customer: “It has three shots! IT’S NOT A F****** LATTE BECAUSE IT HAS THREE SHOTS!”
Me: “So adding an extra shot of espresso to a latte transforms it into an Americano misto?”
Customer: “F*** YOU! GIVE ME MY DRINK!”
Me: “Certainly. That’ll be $5.25 please.”
Customer: “NO! YOU’RE NOT CHARGING ME FOR A LATTE!”
Me: “Okay. I’ll charge you for an Americano misto. But I have to charge you for the extra milk. So that will be $5.25 please.”
(Obviously seeing he wasn’t going to win, he threw a gift card at my chest. It bounced off me and landed on the counter. I swiped it and handed it back, and then moved to the bar to make his drink. When it was done I placed it on the end of the bar and called out, “triple grande latte!” The man came to collect his drink, looked me square in the face, and yelled, “It’s a f****** Americano misto!”)
Customers Get Icy Over Anything
(I am another customer in line behind this… interesting customer at a popular coffee shop.)
Customer: “Hi, I’d like a tall mocha and the lemon pound cake.”
Barista: “Okay, so, I’ve got one tall mocha and the iced lemon pound cake! Can I get you anything else?”
Customer: “No! No! No! I don’t want my lemon pound cake served on ice! I just want it regular, out of the case here!”
Barista: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, I must have not said it right; the lemon pound cake has a thin icing on it, and it’s officially called ‘iced lemon pound cake.’ It’s not served over ice or anything.”
Customer: “Well, you should change the f****** name! It’s misleading! I haven’t had my coffee yet, and neither has anyone else here! How can we be expected to know that?!”
Barista: “I’m so sorry, ma’am, I understand what you’re saying. Sadly, I don’t have control over the names of our products, since that is decided by corporate.”
Customer: “That’s not my f****** problem! I deserve it free now!”
Barista: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t do that.”
Customer: “F*** you, then!”