Drink And Be Merry, For Tomorrow We Die

, , , , , | Related | June 9, 2014

(My daughter is hanging out with her aunt in the living room as I finish some up some work in the other room. My daughter is making fake food and drinks.)

Daughter: “Here’s your drink. Enjoy!”

Aunt: “Oh! That was yummy!”

Daughter: “Good, because you just drank your death.”

Aunt: “Did you just poison me?”

Daughter: “Yes. Please die now.”

Aunt: “But I’m not ready to die!”

Daughter: “I asked nicely!”

Me: “Well, she did at least ask nicely.”

Aunt: “You do know your uncle will avenge me rig—” *falls over on the couch pretending to be dead*

Daughter: “That worked well.” *covers her aunt with a blanket*

Me: “I’m going to have to talk to your father about what is being watched at his house.”

Aunt: “Remind me to never take real food or drinks from her.”

Me: “Agreed.”


This story is part of our Creepy Kids roundup!

Read the next Creepy Kids roundup story!

Read the Creepy Kids roundup!

1 Thumbs
588

No Aptitude For Latitude, Part 3

, , , , , , , | Related | October 16, 2013

(My dad’s aunt is visiting from Texas, and she wants to visit NYC, about two and a half hours away. My aunt, my grandmother, my mom, and I take a day trip up there. After walking a lot, my aunt stops and leans against a building with her hands on her knees, breathing heavily.)

Mom: “Are you okay?”

Great-Aunt: “Oh, I’m fine, just a little winded because of the altitude. I’m not used to being this far above sea level.”

(Another sister of theirs lives in Colorado, so I assume that’s how she got it in her head that being out of breath in another state is the same as thinner air.)

Me: “But we’re at sea level, on an island. The ocean is right over there.”

Great-Aunt: “Oh, no, honey; we’re much higher up here than at home.”

Grandmother: *totally serious* “Right, because if you look at a map, Texas is down here, and New York is way up here!”

(When we get home, I look up the actual altitudes just for kicks. According to Google, New York City is 33 feet above sea level. Houston? 43 feet.)


This story is part of our New York City roundup!

Read the next New York City roundup story!

Read the New York City roundup!

1 Thumbs
432

A Monster Of A Rewrite

, , , , , | Related | August 16, 2013

(I am about 11 years old, and am being home-schooled. I’m working on my spelling/vocabulary lesson, and have to write a short story using every word in the lesson. I write a story about a superhero who has the power to turn the villains and monsters good. I am proud of my story.)

Aunt: “Why does she make them all turn good?”

Me: “Because they were evil and hurting people.”

Aunt: “Well, it’s not right to make someone do something they don’t want to do. You should change it.”

Me: “How do you know they don’t want to be good?”

Aunt: “They’re monsters. Rewrite it.”

(I stop arguing, and change the ending drastically by making the superhero kill the monster. She doesn’t like this one either. She makes it clear that she wants it written one way.)

Aunt: “What is this?”

Me: “My alternate ending.”

Aunt: “Killing people is bad!”

Me: “They’re monsters, remember?”

Aunt: “That doesn’t change anything. Rewrite it!”

Me: “To what? You didn’t like the first one!”

Aunt: “Just change it!”

(By now, I am quite irked, and change the story once again to a more generic superhero story ending.)

Me: “Here.”

Aunt: “So she just sends him off?”

Me: “Yes.”

Aunt: “It’s better, but why did you choose this ending?”

Me: “Because you told me to.”

Aunt: “That’s not a good reason. Why don’t you write a new one?”

(I am more irked now, and refuse to write another ending.)

Me: “I’ve already written a new one!”

Aunt: “And I want you to write it over!”

Me: “Fine! How about the superhero goes and turns the monster into a good guy so she doesn’t have to keep fighting him? That way everyone is happy. And now the monster can live happily.”

Aunt: “No, he wouldn’t be happy. He would be forced to be something he’s not.”

Me: “Yes, he would. He is my monster in my story!”

Aunt: “You can’t act that way in the real world!”

Me: “How about we leave my story be, and not force it to change into something I don’t want it to be?”

Aunt: “Are you talking back to me?”

(I don’t want to get into trouble, so I just give in.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I’ll learn from this. I can’t make people do stuff or they’ll be unhappy.”

Aunt: “Good. Now go work on math.”

Me: “Okay, Aunt [name].”

(I went on to my math lesson. I never chose to write a story for my spelling lesson again, which was unfortunate, because I love writing. I learned more from writing a story than I did copying the words over and over in my book.)

1 Thumbs
464

Should Have Inquired Down Another Avenue

, , , , | Related | May 29, 2013

(My sister and I are big Broadway fans. My dad decides to surprise us by getting the family tickets to see “Avenue Q.”)

Me: “Four tickets for…” *gasps*Avenue Q!”

Dad: “Yup!”

Me: “AAAGH, OH, MY GOD, YES! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!”

(I start flailing happily. My sister comes running down the stairs.)

Sister: “What’s wrong?”

Me:AVENUE Q TICKETS!”

Sister: “SHUT UP!”

Me: “YES!”

Sister: “OH, MY GOD!”

Aunt: “What’s Avenue Q?”

Dad: “Oh, no…”

Me: “YOU’RE JOKING!”

(My aunt has a sudden look of fear.)

Me: “IT’S LIKE SESAME STREET—”

Sister: “FOR ADULTS—”

Me: “AND THEY TALK ABOUT ADULT STUFF—”

Sister: “LIKE SEX—”

Me: “AND GAY PEOPLE—”

Sister: “AND LOSING JOBS—”

Me: “AND GARY COLEMAN—”

(My sister and I continue shouting broken sentences at my aunt as she shrinks down in fear.)

Me: “DOESN’T IT SOUND AMAZING?!”

Aunt: “You know what… never mind. I’ll just look it up myself.”


This story is part of our Musical Theater Roundup!

Read the next Musical Theater Roundup story!

Read the Musical Theater Roundup!

1 Thumbs
660

Pretty Real And Really Pretty

, , , , | Related | January 27, 2012

(I’m at my Grandma’s house for Christmas. I have my sketchpad to finish drawing my friend’s Christmas presents. My family is all “oohing” and “aahing” over my work.)

Uncle #1: “You’re pretty good.”

Me: “Thanks.”

Aunt: “Yeah, this is pretty impressive.”

Uncle #2: *whispering* “Notice how they keep saying it’s pretty good, but no one is saying you’re really good.”


This story is part of the Family-At-Christmas Roundup!

Read the next Family-At-Christmas Roundup story!

Read the Family-At-Christmas Roundup!

1 Thumbs
350