Right Working Romantic Related Learning Friendly Healthy Legal Inspirational Unfiltered

Wishing You Could Be From A No-Hick Town

, , | Related | August 1, 2017

(I hit my neck, which hurts, but it’s not bleeding so I think nothing more of it and continue with my day, which includes a family gathering. I’m asexual, but only my siblings know that. Every time I see my family, at least five people want to discuss my non-existent love life and make suggestions about who I should date. Since all my cousins are getting married and settling down, the whole family has gotten even more involved than before in finding me a boyfriend. When I go downstairs, I see two of my aunts first. They stare at me open-mouthed for a few moments, and then share an amazed glance.)

Me: “Hi [Aunt #1], [Aunt #2]. How are… um… What’s that look for?”

Aunt #1: *grinning broadly* “I think the real question is ‘How are YOU?’ Looks like someone had a good time last night.”

Me: “What?”

Aunt #2: “No need to play coy. It’s winter. You could’ve just worn a turtleneck, and no-one would have seen it.”

Me: “Seen what?”

Aunt #2: “Oh, come on. We know you wanted us to see it. It’s easier than telling everyone you’ve finally found someone, huh?”

Aunt #1: “Oh, this is wonderful! We thought it would never happen!”

Me: “Um… I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Aunt #2: *gestures to my neck*

(I go to the bathroom to look at my neck in the mirror. There’s a red mark where the metal rod hit my neck. It looks just like a hickey.)

Me: *blushing furiously* “No! That’s not what this is! I was taking apart the hamper upstairs, and-”

Aunt #1: “It’s all right, honey. We know what it is. But if you aren’t ready to tell the rest of the family, we can find you a scarf or something. Oh! I have some cover-up in my bag.”

Me: “No, but it’s really not a hickey!”

(I explain the whole hamper situation, and my aunts’ huge smiles gradually fade to disappointed looks.)

Aunt #1: *sighs sadly* “Well, you’ll find someone someday, dear.”

Aunt #2: “You know, your biological clock is ticking…”

(I ended up getting yet another talk about how I needed to find a man so I could have babies. Then, I spent the rest of the day red-faced and constantly having to repeat this same conversation with almost every relative I saw. The one good thing about blushing that hard is that it sometimes hides the “hickey.”)

Up In Your Face About Your Face

, , , | Related | July 31, 2017

(My family rarely gets together so I haven’t seen anyone for several years. An event comes up and most of my siblings and many cousins, etc. make arrangements to gather in a town for a festival weekend. It is planned that the first night all will get together for a giant, shared meal. I am seated across the table from my aunt.)

Aunt: “What the h*** is that?”

Me: “What?”

Aunt: “That thing on your face!”

(She touches her own face indicating where.)

Me: “Oh. That’s cancer.”

Aunt: “Can you do something about it?”

Me: “Surgery is scheduled for later this month.”

Aunt: “Why would you go out in public like that?”

(This is a lesion that is smaller than a pencil eraser located above my lip. It looks a bit like a healed cold sore.)

Me: “Well, this is the only face I have so I don’t have much choice.”

Aunt: “Couldn’t you have gotten it fixed before you came?”

Me: “As you can see from my scars, I had surgery before I came. There is only so much the doctor was willing to do at once. I’ll have two more surgeries.”

Aunt: “Well, you’ll just have to sit somewhere else. I can’t eat looking at that.”

Me: “Sorry my cancer makes you so uncomfortable. What on earth was I thinking?”

(I got up and moved to sit next to a cousin.)

Cousin: “Yeah, just this morning she asked us why we thought the family got together so rarely. How’s your treatment going, by the way?”

Me: “The prognosis is good; thank you for asking.”

Aunt: “All I inherited from mom was my nose, thank goodness.”

You’ve Been Out-Street-Smarted

, , , , | Related | July 28, 2017

(My grandma never likes to waste food. Back when my mom was a kid, Grandma would always give the classic “There are children starving in Africa!” argument. Then they move to the Philippines.)

Grandma: “Finish your food. There are children starving right down the street!”

Uncle: *bolts out of his seat, picks up his plate, and heads for the door*

Grandma: “Where are you going?”

Uncle: “I’m going to go give it to them!”

(She stopped using that argument after that.)

This story is included in our Philippines roundup – part of the Not Always Right World Tour!

Read the next Philippines story!

Read the Philippines roundup!

She Needs To Transition Out Of There

, , , , , | Related | July 25, 2017

(My family has an unwritten rule to never talk about my trans identity. They aren’t transphobic or anything; it’s just they don’t see it as a problem and support my transition fully. One member of the family, though, never seems to get the memo: my aunt from Ireland. She is transphobic, homophobic, and basically sees LGBT as a sign of a crumbling society that worships the devil, etc. She and my uncle are visiting, and sadly the topic shifts to my being trans.)

Aunt: “Have you found yourself a man yet to straighten you out?”

Me: “Well, since I’m a gay trans man, I don’t think finding a man will help much.”

(She pretended not to hear and lambasted my entire existence for the rest of the evening. When my dad asked her to leave, she guilt tripped him by asking what would their mother think of him throwing out his poor younger sister. For the rest of the week, she called me by my old female name, and bought me a present before leaving: a large collection of makeup and vouchers for lip injections. I told her she probably needed them more than I do, and she swore she would never visit again. Fingers crossed.)

Finished Minesweeper With Honors

, , | Related | July 20, 2017

(My Aunt is in her early eighties and thinks that computers are only for playing games on. This story takes place a month after I graduated from an online college with an associate’s degree in accounting. I earned the degree while my active duty military husband and I were in Korea.)

Me: “Look what I earned, Aunt [Her Name]!” *as I pull my degree off of my living room wall*

Aunt: “What is it?”

Me: “It’s my college degree. I earned it online while [Husband] and I were in Korea!”

Aunt: “You can’t go to college on the computer! That thing is just for playing solitaire!”

Me: *as I pull up the online campus* “Yes, you can go to college on the computer.”

Aunt: “No, you are lying! You just had the Koreans print that piece of paper while you were over there to make yourself feel better! You didn’t graduate from college!”

(I gave up after she said that. The truth is that I lost a full scholarship to college eleven years before and my life ended up in the ditch for a few years. After escaping an abusive marriage and a stint as a truck driver, I met my second husband who gifted me his GI Bill and going to college online was my only option. She really hurt me when she said those things about my degree! I’m now pursuing a BA in Transportation and Logistics Management and she now asks me if I “go to college on the television”!)