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Polymorphic Pleasantries

, , , , | Right | March 28, 2011

(I am calling a Housing Trust tenant to arrange a new time for us to re-glaze her shower screen. The maintenance centre has just called to say this particular elderly lady has several doctor’s appointments. These conflict with her original appointment time.)

Me: “Hello. This is [My Name] from [Glazing Business]. How are you?”

Tenant: *chirpily* “Oh, terrible. It’s this blasted weather, you know.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Tenant: “That’s alright, love. How are you anyway?”

Me: “Alright, thank you. I agree with you about the weather, though. Anyway, I was just calling about–”

Tenant: “Oh, yes. I am all dizzy, and my head hurts. And it doesn’t help that I’m allergic to the sun.”

Me: “That must be very frustrating. I just spoke to–”

Tenant: “And I’m polymorphic! If I go outside and change form, they’ll get me!”

Me: “That’s not a good situation to be in at all. Anyway, I understand you’ll be going into hospital on Tuesday morning. We need to change your appointment time. Is–”

Tenant: “I hope I win the $20mil in the lottery this weekend. Then I can move to Tasmania. Oh, the weather in Tasmania! I hear it’s beautiful and cool over there. Not like here!”

Me: “Yes, I’ve heard that too.”

Tenant: “Oh, you’ve been there? What’s it like?”

Me: “No, but I do have it on good authority that it is definitely cold.”

Tenant: “Oh, good. I hate being in this pension house. If I win this weekend, I will move to Tasmania and get rid of the pension. They can’t get me there, because it’s over the strait.”

Me: “It would be wonderful if you did win. Can we come Tuesday afternoon to fix your shower screen?”

Tenant: “Hang on darling, I’m blind.” *papers shuffle* “Sure, love. I’ll be home from the hospital by then.”

Me: “Fantastic. It was lovely talking to you!”

Tenant: “And to you, dear! When I win this weekend, you can have a share.”

Me: “That’s very kind of you. Have a lovely weekend!”

Tenant: “You too, dear.” *hangs up*

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Best Try The Duet Yourself Checkout

, , , , , , | Right | December 23, 2010

(An elderly gentleman selects a paintbrush and takes it to the counter.)

Customer: “Now, I don’t pay for items. I sing and dance on the tabletops instead.”

Me: *I laugh, thinking he’s joking* “That’s $1.19 please.”

Customer: “Well, I reckon that’d be about a minute’s worth of singing.”

Me: *still thinking he’s joking* “Actually, it’s $1.19, so it’s probably more like a minute and twenty seconds.”

(The customer then starts singing a monotone song — something about a cat. He is hobbling from side to side. I can’t help it; I just laugh until tears are running down my face.)

Customer: “That was verse one! There are 93 more!”

Me: “In that case, I’ll just take the cash.”


This story is part of our Musically Ignorant Customers roundup!

Read the next Musically Ignorant Customers roundup story!

Read the Musically Ignorant Customers roundup!

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That Would Be A Mis-Steak

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2010

Customer: “Does this honey-baked ham contain real honey?”

Me: “Yes, it’s a honey glaze.”

Customer: “Oh, I won’t get it, then. It was for my daughter; she’s vegan. She can’t have honey, as she doesn’t believe in eating any animal products.”

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