(I often take my very tame, very friendly female ferret out on her lead to get some fresh air. I mostly get a lot of strange looks but for some reason people with small children act like ferrets are awful, vicious creatures that carry all kinds of disease. On my walk one day a young woman is walking along with a little girl, about three years old. I brace myself for the worst.)

Girl: “Mummy! Mummy, what’s that animal?!”

Girl’s Mother: *laughing* “That’s a ferret, sweetie!”

Girl: “Awwww, so cute!”

(I pause for a moment a few steps away from them, mostly out of shock, and a little bit because I’m used to people wanting to skirt me and my ferret in the street.)

Girl: “Can I pat it, mummy? So cuuuuuute!”

Girl’s Mother: “Remember we don’t touch other people’s pets without asking; they might get scared, or they might not like kids.”

Me: *still slightly stunned* “This one does. She plays with my nephews all the time. She can pat her if she wants to.”

Girl’s Mother: “Oh, thank you!”

(The mother kneels down and keeps telling her daughter, “Now, gentle! Don’t scare her; nice and soft,” and stopping her daughter from touching my ferrets face. The little girl is over the moon and incredibly sweet and gentle, giggling like crazy as my loveable lump of a ferret sniffs her and revels in the attention.)

Girl’s Mother: “Thank you so much. She LOVES animals.”

Me: “It’s no problem at all. Most parents yank their kids away like my ferret might set them on fire.”

Girl’s Mother: *screws up face* “How stupid! Our guinea pig has probably bitten more people than this little guy.”

(After a quick chat I learned they’d just moved in up the street from me and they were walking to the park down the block. Almost every afternoon for the next several months we met up along the same patch of sidewalk and the little girl would pat my ferret, and the mum and I would chat for a bit. When my ferret finally passed away last month of old age, they met up with me the next day with a card and a box of chocolates, and an adorable drawing of my ferret done by my tiny toddler friend. All it took was one person realising my ferret was not a danger to her kid for me to gain two wonderful friends.)

(I am on the phone discussing the lunch options provided for a training course the customer will be attending.)

Customer: “Will there be any gluten-free options available for lunch?”

Me: “Absolutely! You’ll be going to [Restaurant] and they have plenty of gluten-free options.”

Customer: “Are you sure? Because I cannot have any gluten at all; I’m extremely intolerant to it.”

Me: “I guarantee there will be gluten-free options available. My boss has Coeliac disease so she’s in the same boat, and I’m a vegetarian myself so I definitely understand the need for certain dietary requirements.”

Customer: *loud exaggerated sigh* “I’m so sick of people comparing gluten intolerance to vegetarianism. YOURS is a choice. MINE is not.”

Me: “Oh, umm I was just trying to assure you that I understand your requirements and I’ll make sure to let the restaurant know.”

Customer: “See that you do.”

(I was tempted to call the restaurant and ask them to sprinkle her meal with flour.)

Customer: “Hello, my sister just bought this item at one of your other stores, and it was much cheaper. Here it’s $49, but she got hers for $20. You should do this for the same price.”

Me: “Hmm, that’s odd. All stores should have the same sales, and that item is already on a very good special. I don’t think it would go for $20. But I will check with the store to see if this was on special there, and if it is we can do it for the same price. Which store did your sister go to? I’ll call them now.”

Customer: “Oh, here… I’ll call my sister, and she’ll tell you that she got it cheaper!”

Me: “I actually need to call the store she was at and speak to a staff member who can check for me. Your sister can tell me the price, but I can’t authorise a price override just from talking to another customer. I need to speak to the other store.”

(The customer ignores me and dials her sister anyway. She speaks to her in another language for a while, then hands the phone to me.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] from [Store]. Your sister tells me you got a [item] for a discounted price?”

Customer’s Sister: “Yes, I got it for $20 at another store today.”

Me: “Okay, that’s great, but I’m going to have to call that store to check. Which one did you go to?”

Customer’s Sister: “Uh… the [Suburb] store.”

Me: “Oh? That’s very interesting since they closed down three and a half years ago. Thanks for your time!”

Customer: *quickly leaves without her item*

(A customer walks into the shop and starts looking at our cakes.)

Customer: “Cheesecake?” *points at a carrot and walnut cake*

Coworker: “No, that’s a carrot cake. We have cheesecake right over here.”

(I show the customer the cheesecake.)

Customer: “Okay.”

(The customer walks away, but returns ten minutes later.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “That’s cheesecake?” *points at the carrot cake again*

Me: “No, sorry. That’s a carrot cake.”

Customer: “Cheesecake?” *points at another cake*

Me: “No, that’s an orange and coconut cake. The cheesecake’s here.”

(I show her the cheesecake, once again.)

Customer: *incredulously* “That’s cheesecake?!”

(She eventually buys the cheesecake, but only after it taking a while to convince her it is actually cheesecake!)

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(A customer is complaining that we have cancelled her membership with us, even though she hasn’t paid for it for six months.)

Customer: “This is getting ridiculous. I am going to take this to [local news station]. I’m disabled, and you’re discriminating against me because I am disabled.”

Me: “I am not discriminating against you. The same rule applies to all members who fail to pay for their membership. Unfortunately, it has been cancelled and the only way to become a member again is to rejoin.”

Customer: “If you don’t fix this for me, I’m going to come down there to your head office, take off my prosthetic leg, and beat you with it! Good bye!”