(We have people wash their hands when they have to take out or put in contact lenses. Only one knob works for the faucet so we removed the other knob)
Customer: “How do you turn this?” *grabs at the stump where the knob was removed*
Me: “You use the other one.”
Me: “Thank you for calling [Video Rental store].”
Her: “Yes, I see in your ad this week that you have Happy Feet out.”
Me: “Yes, it’s out for the Playstation 2.”
Her: “That’s not the movie?”
Me: “No, it is not.”
Her: “When is it coming?”
Me: “It’s out in theaters right now. We have no date on when it is coming.”
Her: “Well is there anything that can show my grandkids how to do the dance?”
Me: “Not that I am aware of.”
Her: “Well I got this book for my grandkids and it shows the penguins…” *goes on for what feels like an HOUR about some book and teaching them some dance from the movie. I sorta doze on and off since her voice is very… shall I say… monotone, flat, and boring. Finally…* “…so the main reason why I’m calling.”
Me: (you mean to tell me all this was a SECONDARY reason why you called?) “Yes ma’am.”
Her: “Do you believe in Christ?”
Me: “Uh…” *customer comes up with stackfull of DVDs* “I gotta go now. Bye.” *hangs up phone*
Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. Can I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, please, you sell doonoo?”
Me: “I’m sorry? Do we sell what?”
Customer: *points at menu board* “You know, noots!”
Me: *looks up to where he’s pointing which is a picture of some bagels* “Bagels?”
Customer: “No! Noots! Doonoots!”
(This goes on for several minutes, both of us getting more and more frustrated, until…)
Me: “Wait, are you saying nuts?”
Customer: “Yes, yes!”
Me: “We have peanuts for our ice cream sundaes.”
Customer: “No, no, no. DOOnoots!”
Me: *with a huge smile of understanding* “You mean doughnuts?!”
Customer: “Yes!”
(Keep in mind we have been working on this for a good five minutes. He now looks so excited that what I say next nearly breaks my heart.)
Me: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t sell doughnuts.”
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(I am working on the customer service desk and answer a call from a customer inquiring about a special order they had placed.)
Customer: “Yes, my name is [Customer]. The name of the DVD is Spring Break.”
(I put the customer’s details into the computer, and the search results say the full name of the DVD is “Spring Break Sex Riot” which also has an…. explicit cover on it. I assume that there must have been a mistake and the wrong title was ordered.)
Me: “Um… I think I found your order here on the system, but it hasn’t arrived in the store yet. I think there might be a mistake here. Could you give me some more details about the film?”
Customer: “Ah, man, you’re missing out! You have to see it! It’s about all these hot chicks who go on spring break and have lots of sex! It’s excellent!”
Me: *glad I have never been this desperate*
(A young man from Fullerton, CA calls to get our address in Rancho Cordova, CA.)
Caller: “Rancho Cordova? What coast is that on?”
Me: “We are in California, just like you.”
Caller: “Oh… So, East?”
