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Always Right, Even From Beyond The Grave

, , , , | Right | July 2, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, welcome to [Magazine]. How can I help?”

Caller: “I want to cancel my husband’s subscription.”

Me: “Okay. Could I speak to your husband, as he is the account holder?”

Caller: “I’m sorry, he passed away last week. That’s why I’m calling. I won’t have to pay what he owes, will I?”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, madam. I’ll cancel that and you are correct; you won’t be charged.”

(I take the details. At the end, I say she can receive one more copy, free.)

Caller: “I’m sorry, I’m not following. I’ve had a lot to deal with since my husband died. We only buried him yesterday.”

Me: *feeling dreadful for her* “Of course. I’ll go through it again.”

(I run through it, stopping at intervals to check that she understands. She says she does.)

Me: “Would you like the free copy? This month you get money off vouchers for books.”

(15 seconds of silence.)

Me: “Madam, are you there?”

Caller: “I still don’t understand, dear. I’m not good with this stuff. Let me get my husband; he usually deals with this.”

Me: “Madam, you told me your husband died.”

Caller: *flustered* “I didn’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you did. You told me your husband died, his funeral was yesterday, and you asked me to cancel his contract and not charge you.”

Caller: *now getting agitated* “I didn’t. You misunderstood.”

Me: “Madam, we record calls. I can arrange for you to speak to a manager once the call has been reviewed, if you wish.”

(Another 15 seconds of silence.)

Me: “Madam, are you still there?”

Caller: *click*

18 And Blunder, Part 3

, , , | Right | June 27, 2014

(I work in a satellite call center and help customers with billing as well as tech support. A customer calls in upset about her last bill.)

Customer: “My bill is only supposed to be $67.99 a month and this month it was over $700!! I had to come home early to have time to call you about this. What are you people trying to pull on me!?”

Me: “I will be more than happy to look at this for you as I can definitely see why this would make you upset.

(I can immediately see the issue: two to three adult pay-per-view movies at $17.99 each have been ordered several times a day for the last two weeks.)

Me: Looking at the bill, I think I see exactly where the problem is. Do you or your husband watch any… um… mature-themed movies?”

Customer: “What?! I don’t watch that smut and besides, it’s just my son and I who live here! I don’t like what you’re insinuating! I demand you remove these charges!!”

Me: *catching on almost immediately as I have two older sons myself* “Ahh, I think I might see the problem, ma’am. Let me ask you this if I may… How old is your son?”

Customer: “Not that it’s any of your business, but he’s 13.”

Me: “Uh huh. And if I might ask, what time does he get out of school?”

Customer: “He gets out of school at about two, and then gets rights to studying in his room. He’s going to go to college when he’s older. He’s absolutely brilliant. He studies all day long in there.”

Me: “Right. Well, the reason I ask is because I can see the time these movies are ordered AND the receiver that they are ordered on. Ma’am, it looks like ALL of them are ordered on the receiver in one of the bedrooms, and ALL between the times of around 2:15 pm and about 4:30 pm. About what time do you normally get home from work, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Customer: *getting livid about now* “Now look here, missy! I don’t like the idea that you think my son is watching that smut on TV and I most certainly don’t like the idea that you think that I would tolerate that in a Christian house like mine. I demand that you both remove this… this… filth from my bill and apologize to me for even thinking that my boy would even know what some of this… this… stuff even is!!”

(As she’s ranting on about her beautiful, pure, Christian son I see yet another expensive adult PPV being ordered so I interrupt her tirade.)

Me: “Ma’am! I don’t want to be rude, but is your son home right now?”

Customer: “Yes, he is!”

Me: “Good! Because, I see another of these movies is being ordered right now. So do this: just go in and tell me what you see, and if it’s not p*rn, I’ll be more than happy to remove every one of these charges.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll show you that my son is a good boy and—” *I hear a door open*

Son: “MOM!” *call drops*

(I laughed my a** off for five minutes. And no, I didn’t credit even one PPV charge.)

 

Interview Boo Hoo

| Working | May 29, 2014

Caller: “Hello, is this [My Name]?”

Me: “It is.”

Caller: “We’ve found your CV online and wanted to get in touch as we think you’d be a perfect fit as one of our consultants at [Insurance Agency].”

(While the caller continues their spiel about how the job will suit my skills I check the company online, and find they’re actually the same company that called me several years earlier offering the exact same position when I was last looking for work.)

Caller: “…and so we’d like to have you come in for an interview this Friday. What time would work for you?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; I’m not available on Friday.”

Caller: “Not a problem, sir! What time on Monday can you come in?”

Me: “I can’t do Monday either.”

Caller: “Okay, we’ll see you Tuesday then.”

Me: “Can’t do Tuesday.”

Caller: “Wednesday?”

Me: “Nope.”

Caller: “Thursday?”

Me: “Nope.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “I’m in the process of moving out of state. I actually stated that in the cover letter I posted with my CV.”

Caller: “Really?”

Me: “I also put my new address on my CV, which is not anywhere near where you said you were located.”

(I hear key taps over the phone.)

Caller: “Oh… uh… so you did. Funny, it says on your profile you’re still in Washington.”

Me: “Well, I am, for another two weeks or so. I must have forgotten to change that as well.”

Caller: “Well, that’s no problem! We also have offices near your new residence so you can come in and interview next week at—”

Me: “Okay, let me stop you right there. You guys actually called me about a consulting position before, three years ago, and hassled me that it’d lead to a promotion and the likelihood of running my own office in six months. I gave you the benefit of a doubt and attended one of your interviews… whereupon you made me and twenty other people sit through an endless lecture of how successful you are and how we’d be idiots not to work for you. Then, when you actually took me aside to speak with me privately, you told me I’d have to first shell out $1,500 for my insurance license before I could even be hired and agree to work on commission. Yeah, thanks, but unless you can guarantee this is not going to be another complete waste of my time I’m not interested.”

Caller: *hangs up*

You Gotta Be Flushing Kidding Me

, , , , | Right | September 13, 2010

Customer: “Do you all have a public bathroom?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. It’s out of order.”

Customer: “What! What’s wrong with it?”

Me: “Well, someone clogged the toilet with paper towels and it doesn’t flush.”

Customer: “Well, can I use it and not flush?”


This story is part of our Grossest Customers Ever roundup!

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Read the Grossest Customers Ever roundup!

Because Everything’s Bigger In Texas

, , , | Right | November 7, 2007

(The shop is really, really small, and is inside the same building as a supermarket. A lady walks into the store with a shopping cart.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, could you leave your cart outside? It’s blocking other people from getting inside the store.”

Lady: *moves her cart filled with unpaid merchandise outside the store*

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t take unpaid merchandise outside the store either.”

Lady: “I’m sorry. I’m from Texas!”