(I’m a lifeguard, and I’m working the top of the large waterslide. The other lifeguard is at the bottom, and is supposed to monitor the kids when they get to the bottom. I watch a kid get to the bottom of the slide, and it appears he has banged his head pretty violently as he is now holding his head in obvious pain.)

Me: *using a walkie* “Hey [Coworker], could you check to see if the kid who just came out of slide two is okay? It looked like he hit his head pretty good.”

Coworker: “Ugh, where’s this kid?”

Me: “The kid that just came out of slide two.”

Coworker: “I don’t see any kid.”

Me: “He’s the kid that’s holding his head, and sitting in your peripheral vision on the ground literally two feet in front of you!”

Coworker: “Oh.”

(This is during the 2008 primaries. Our library has been set up as an early voting center. We have information sheets to help the voters make their choices.)

Customer: “I just don’t know what I should do. These things are so confusing. Who did you vote for?”

Me: “I didn’t vote.”

Customer: “That’s what’s wrong with you young people today. No ethics.”

Me: “You misunderstand. I didn’t vote because I can’t vote.”

Customer: *shocked* “Oh MY GOD! You’re a FELON? Why would they let a FELON work here?”

Me: “No, ma’am. No. I’m not a citizen.”

Customer: “Oh. You’re just saying that aren’t you?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m not a citizen. Would you like to see my green card?”

Customer: “So, you’re from Canada?”

Me: “No, I’m from Europe.”

Customer: “That’s in Canada, isn’t it?”

(This is an adult store in Los Angeles. Enter a fat, balding guy in his 40s.)

Guy: “Hello, Miss.”

Me: “Good morning.”

Guy: “Do you have any–HOLY S***! You’re a girl!”

Me: “I am?”

Guy: “Shouldn’t you be at home, getting ready for your husband, cooking or something?”

Me: “I burn salads. My WIFE tends to cook more.”

Guy: “Holy s***! You’re a heathen!”

Me: “Doom upon me. What was it you wanted?”

Guy: “Whatever. Got any Bibles?”

(My Muslim coworker from Bangladesh has brought in food for lunch for our group. Afterwards she and I are talking about ethnic foods and meat content. She brought up how a lot of Indian food doesn’t have meat because the Muslim population doesn’t eat pork and the Hindu population doesn’t eat beef.)

Me: “Yeah, Indian is the only type of food that I really enjoy vegetarian entrees. Most other foods are boring without meat.”

Coworker: “Oh, I know! I can’t eat a meal without meat in it!”

Me: “Yeah. Me, too. I’m a cannibal.”

(There is what feels like a long pause as I realize what I said, when what I’d meant to say was carnivore. Embarrassed beyond belief, and hoping nobody in our very open environment overheard and thought I was serious, she asks:)

Coworker: “Cannibal means you eat meat, right?”

(English is not her native language, and I can understand how cannibal might not be in her vocabulary yet. I quickly correct myself and explain the meaning of carnivore vs. cannibal, with a little explanation of herbivore and omnivore for good measure. Once I finally shut up and look to see if she understands, she comes up with the best response possible.)

Coworker: “Well, it’s still meat.”

(After serving a very difficult table, I am happy they are on dessert and leaving soon. As I go up to hand them the check:)

Customer: *as she literally spits out the mouthful* “Oh, my God, are there nuts in here?! I can’t eat nuts! They will break my teeth!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, you ordered NUTS OVER CARAMEL ice cream.”

Customer: “I just thought that was the name of it. Why are there nuts in it?!”