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No Outside Food Or Bad Attitudes Allowed

, , , , | Right | February 19, 2021

I’m a lifeguard at a lodge, and before people walk into the water park, we have to check their bags for anything that isn’t allowed in. There are signs on all four doors to get in that say, “Outside food and drink prohibited,” real big.

An older lady walks up with her granddaughter and I greet them.

Me: “Good morning, ma’am. Can you open up your bag for me, please?”

She opens the bag and inside are five bags of chips.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but outside food isn’t allowed in the water park. You can leave it here with us — there’s a security camera watching the area — or you can take it back to your room.”

She makes a really ugly face.

Older Lady: “Well, I’m not leaving it here with you!”

Me: “You’re welcome to take it back up to your room, then, or out to your car.”

Older Lady: *To her granddaughter* “C’mon, we have to go back up to our room because she won’t let us in.” *To me* “It doesn’t say that anywhere! We were never told that!”

Me: *Pointing at the doors* “Ma’am, it’s—”

She stormed off before I could say anything, and good thing, too, because I was about to tell her it was on all four of the doors. About ten minutes later, she came back with a now empty bag, shoved it in my face saying, “THERE!” and then marched into the water park.

Just Because You’re At The Lazy River Doesn’t Mean You’re Lazy

, , , , , , , | Right | July 29, 2020

I work as a lifeguard at a popular waterpark. I’m stationed just about forty feet away from the entrance to the lazy river. A boy runs and jumps in next to my stand, breaking several rules at once.

Me: “Hey! Do not ever jump into this river again! Use the entrance like everyone else!”

Kid: “I know! I’m sorry! Jesus!”

I let him float on. Some people just make that mistake even though it’s common knowledge. About three minutes later, I see a lifeguard floating down past me with the kid in tow.

Me: “What happened? You need help?”

Lifeguard: “No. Kid climbed out next to my stand and jumped in. Hit his arm on the island.”

Me: “He jumped in at my stand, too, and I told him not to break any more rules.”

Boy: “F*** you! He’s lying!”

Lifeguard: “We don’t really lie to each other. I’m getting security and you can explain it to them.”

I found out later that the kid had been breaking major rules all day and running off before anyone could get him, and he even got a little kid hurt as a result. Security escorted him and his family out of the park and gave them all a lifetime ban.

Drowning In Bad Parenting

, , , , | Right | March 19, 2020

(Our water park offers swim lessons during the summer.)

Customer: “I’d like to sign my daughter up for swim lessons.”

Me: “Sure thing! How old is your daughter?”

Customer: “She’s four.”

Me: *looking in our computer system* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it seems like our lessons for that age group are full.”

Customer: “What? Well, when are the next ones?”

Me: “Unfortunately, there aren’t any more lessons scheduled for this summer. Sorry about that. I can put you on a waitlist, in case someone cancels.”

Customer: “So, you mean you won’t sign her up?!”

Me: “I’d be happy to put you on the waitlist, but our lessons are full.”

Customer: “So, you’re just gonna let my baby drown? What a b****!”

He Decided To Throw In The Towel

, , , | Right | April 15, 2018

(I work as a receptionist at a water park. A customer walks in with his wife and children.)

Me: “Hello and welcome to [Water Park]!”

Customer: “Hi, I would like tickets for my family and myself. I also want to rent some towels.”

Me: “Oh, we don’t rent out towels. They are only for sale.”

Customer: *absolutely shocked* “What?! You don’t? This is the first time I’ve ever heard of that!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir.”

Customer: “So you just let your customers leave with wet towels?!”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: *stares*

Me: “…”

Customer: *looks at wife* “They don’t rent out towels. We have to go home and get the towels.” *walks away*

Me: “Um…” *looks at coworker*

Coworker: “Wow, that is some serious first world problem!”

(They never came back.)

Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 7

| Friendly | May 18, 2017

(I’m walking my two sons to a water slide. We pass by a row of lawn chairs on our way to the line. In one chair is a woman breastfeeding her baby, and a woman standing in the walkway in front of her yelling.)

Woman: “Just take the towel and cover yourself up already!”

Breastfeeding Mom: “I’m sorry but it’s too hot to cover her up. I just—”

Woman: “Then go inside the bathrooms. They are cool! Or beg the lifeguards to use their break room. I don’t want to see this here.”

(I have finally gotten right next to the woman. I tell my boys to wait a minute for me and they stand next to me, surprisingly patient.)

Me: “Excuse me, lady, why don’t you leave this lady alone to feed her child and move along.”

Woman: “Excuse you. I don’t want to see—”

Me: “What? You don’t want to see what exactly? Looking at this lady here she is more covered up then I am. My bikini top is exposing more breast then she is; my stomach is hanging out with all its stretch mark glory; she is covered with a towel from the waist down. Why aren’t you offended by me?”

Woman: “Well, um, you’re just wearing the attire for this environment, She’s, well—”

Me: “She’s what? Feeding her hungry child? Leave her alone and get on with your day.” *By this point the baby is finished eating and looking sleepy; the mom is now “decent” by this woman’s standards and is burping the baby* “Now, look, she’s all done, and what exactly are you still doing here? MOVE!”

Woman: “Well, I, she was being so rude.”

Me: “Just move on before I lose my mind.”

(The woman leaves in a huff and walks up to a lifeguard that just left his post and starts complaining. He escorts her to the guard shack, probably to file a complaint or something.)

Breastfeeding Mom: “Thank you. I’m just so shy and didn’t know what to do. I just couldn’t cover her up in this heat and my husband is with my nephews swimming and, well, thanks.”

Me: “No worries. I’ve been there. If you’re not flaunting it to get attention I don’t know why people like that want to make it such a big deal. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

(My boys, who had been patiently waiting for my rant to be over, wished the mom a good day and gladly rushed to the line for the slide.)

Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 6
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 5
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 4
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 3
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 2

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