(I work on the drive thru.)

Me: “Hi there, can I take your order?”

Customer: “HELLO?”

Me: “Hi, can I take your order please?”

Customer: “CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I can hear you. Can I help you?”

Customer: “I WANT TO PLACE AN ORDER.”

Me: “Umm, yeah, can I take your order please?”

Customer: “CAN I PLACE MY F****** ORDER?”

Me: “Sir, can you hear me? I’m asking for your order?”

Customer: “OF COURSE I CAN F****** HEAR YOU! I’M NOT DEAF! I JUST WANT A CHEESEBURGER! THAT’S ALL I WANT!”

Me: “Okay, sir, drive to the first window to pay.”

(The customer drives around, and looks furious. He pays by card.)

Customer: “It says ‘insert card’.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Well, does that mean now?!”

Me: “Yes, sir, please insert your card and follow the instructions.”

Customer: “Well now it’s saying ‘please wait’!”

Me: “Yes, the machine is just checking your card. Please wait.”

Customer: “‘Insert pin,’ does it mean the pin for this card, or my credit card?”

Me: “It means insert your pin for the card in the machine.”

(The customer finally pays and drives off, only to return moments later.)

Me: “Hello, sir, can I help?”

Customer: “HELLO?! HELLO ORDER-ROBOT! THIS CHEESEBURGER HAS PICKLES; I DON’T WANT PICKLES! AND I DIDN’T GET MY FRIES AND DRINK! ORDER-ROBOT, WHO DO I SPEAK TO?”

Me: “Sir, you can speak to me! I’m a person not a robot. We can correct your order for you, but you only got a cheeseburger because that’s what you ordered.”

Customer: “ORDER ROBOT, I WANT KETCHUP FOR MY FRIES! F****** machines are useless!”

(We have several self-checkout machines at our store, which I am in charge of. For certain produce, the machine will ask for a quantity.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME, MISS!”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “The machine isn’t working!”

(I walk over and notice the machine is asking for a quantity. It says ‘enter the quantity’ both aloud and is also displayed on the screen.)

Me: “Oh, it just wants to know the quantity.”

(The customer stares at me blankly.)

Me: “How many do you have?”

Customer: “Ohhh!”

(I’m the workplace nerd, and one of my hobbies is collecting Transformers figures, which I freely admit is an expensive hobby. One of the figures I ordered is sent to the wrong post office, so I request an extra half-hour for lunch to go pick it up, which my boss grants. I return to work and open the package in the break room in full view of a couple of coworkers.)

Coworker: “So, this is what you went to pick up?”

Me: “Yes, it is.” *holds up the figure* “Isn’t he awesome?”

Coworker: “How much did this cost you?”

Me: “Um… about a hundred dollars plus shipping.”

Coworker: *snottily* “Well, if you can spend a hundred dollars on toys, I have some bills you can help me pay.”

Me: *looks down at her feet* “And how much did your shoes cost?”

Coworker: *dirty look*

Customer: “My computer won’t do anything.”

Me: “Okay, can you try rebooting it?”

Customer: “You want me to turn off my mouse?”

Me: “No, I want you to reboot your computer.”

Customer: “You want me to turn off my monitor?”

Me: “Um, no. I want you to reboot your computer, the tower.

Customer: “Which one is that?”

Me: “The big box on the ground… the thing you put CDs into.”

Customer: “Oh, okay hang on… it’s still not working.”

Me: “Okay, what’s it doing?”

Customer: “It’s asking me to put in my password but nothing’s working.”

Me: “Hmm, do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse?”

Customer: “How can I tell?”

Me: “Pick up your keyboard.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Do you see a cable attached to it?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, you have a wireless keyboard. Try replacing the batteries. Is your mouse working?”

Customer: “How can I tell?”

Me: “When you move the mouse do you see the cursor move?”

Customer: “No, I just see an arrow move.”

Me: “Well then, your mouse is working.”

(Real Estate agents, possibly the dumbest users on earth.)

(An older customer calls in for tech support with his satellite receiver.)

Me: “Okay, your signal strength is pretty good.”

Customer: “Right.”

Me: “Let’s just verify all your channels are coming in.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Can you please put it on channel 400?”

Customer: “No problem, hold on.” *dials 4-0-0 into the telephone*

Customer’s Wife: “Give me that!”

(She gets control of the phone.)

Customer’s Wife: *laughing* “So sorry, he’s such an idiot!”