(A guy comes in, buys his stuff by credit card, as I hand him his bags and receipt:)

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Customer: “What? The h*** did you know?”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “The f*** did you know it was my birthday? You see my ID in my wallet or something?”

Me: “Uh… sir? All I said was have a nice day.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Not ‘Happy Birthday?'”

Me: *trying VERY hard not to smirk* “…No.”

Customer: “Well, this day’s off to a good start…”

Me: *smiling sympathetically* “Have a nice day, sir. And Happy Birthday.”

(Customer #1 has come in to exchange her vehicle, as the original car had a mechanical problem. Although she is visibly frustrated, she has remained polite during the entire exchange.)

Customer #1: “If I seem b****y at all to you, I apologize. I am just so annoyed at this car!”

Me: “If there is anybody that should be apologizing, it should be us. We should have checked the car better.”

Customer #1: “Well, you are doing a wonderful job, and I just have to remind myself not to get mad at you. It is not your fault, and you are the one helping me. The last thing I want is to get upset at you in particular!”

Me: “Ma’am, even with how frustrated you are feeling, you are still one of the politest customers we have had all day.”

(As we are finishing the exchange, Customer #2 comes in being helped by my co-worker.)

Customer #2: “This is bulls***! Last time I was here, my insurance paid for a much nicer car than what you’re giving me! Why are you lying to me?”

Coworker: “Sir, I assure you, this is the car that your insurance company will cover.”

(While Customer #2 continues his swearing rant, Customer #1 talks to me.)

Customer #1: “This is why I am glad I was able to keep my cool. I feel better knowing that I didn’t end up acting like that!”

Me: “I told you. Even upset, you are one of the nicest customers we have here!”

(I’m 16 years old and at home when I get a phone call; my mom isn’t home from work yet.)

Caller: “Hello, this is [name] from [company]. Is a Mrs. [mother’s name] home?”

Me: “Sorry, she’s not in at the moment.”

Caller: “Can you tell me when she’ll be back?”

Me: “I don’t know, sorry. I’ll take a message if you want. What was your name?”

Caller: “It doesn’t matter; just tell me when she’ll be back.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t know. Just call back in two hours or so. Bye.”

(I promptly hang up; although slightly rude, telemarketers usually don’t bother calling again. A minute later, the phone rings again from the same caller.)

Caller: “Excuse me! What the f*** do you think you’re doing?! Your mother specifically wanted me to call her today! Why the f*** did you hang up!”

Me: “Well you didn’t want to tell me your name or leave a message, so how would I have known what you wanted?”

Caller: “F*** you! Who the f*** do you think you are?! Your mother has been waiting for this very important call!”

Me: “Well, I told you to call back in roughly two hours if it’s that important. Goodbye.”

(I hang up again, and don’t expect anything more, but sure enough, the phone rings again a minute later.)

Caller: “I’ve had enough of your s*** you little c***! I should come round to your house and f***ing slap you silly!”

Me: “Stop using that language. This call is recorded right? Can I speak to your supervisor?”

Caller: “Well clearly you f***ing can’t! F*** you!” *hangs up*

(I stopped short of calling the police, though the guy could easily have known my address from our phone number because we aren’t unlisted. Not surprisingly, when I asked my mother she’d never heard of the guy!)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pool Store]. How may I help?”

Caller: “How much would a new pump be for my pool?”

Me: “Have you got an in-ground or an above-ground?”

Caller: *long pause* “I don’t know.”

Me: “You don’t know?”

Caller: “No! How could I?”

Me: “All right. Go into your back yard, and run at the pool. If you fall in, it’s probably an in-ground. If you bounce off, it’s an above-ground.”

This story is part of the Sarcastic Responses roundup!

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotels] Inns and Suites. How may I help you tonight?”

Customer: “Yes, my plane was delayed, so I need to cancel my reservation in Vegas and get a room here.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Let me look that up for you.”

(I take his information, call the hotel, and talk them into canceling the reservation even though their policy said he should have had to pay for it because of the short notice. I put in the extra effort because I felt bad for the guy.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ve taken care of that and made you a new reservation at a hotel there. Your total for the room is going to be $89.”

Customer: “But my flight was delayed and I had to cancel my other reservation. My stay should be free!”

Me: “Well, you’ll have to check with the airline. They should pay for all or part of your hotel stay.”

Customer: “They told me you’d pay for it.”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I’m not sure why they would have told you that. The airline is responsible for the delay. We are not and we can’t give you a free stay. You’re going to have to talk to them.”

Customer: “Look, you’re going to give me a f****** free night in the f****** hotel here. You have to. My flight was canceled.”

Me: “Sir, I have to ask you not to curse at me. I will terminate the call.”

Customer: “Look, b****–” *click*

(I received five or six hang-up calls in the next 30 minutes, which I assume were his attempts to get another agent. Unfortunately for him, I was the only person working after midnight. I no longer felt bad for him.)

This story is part of our Swearing Customers roundup!

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