I was out to dinner on a second date when my nosy sister appeared. I hadn’t told her where I was going, so I don’t know how she found me.

Sister: Hey there! Oh my gosh! (*She grabs a chair from another table and looks for a waitress*) I’ll join them.
Me: Uh … actually —
Sister: Hi, I’m (her name), we’re sisters.
Date: (*uncomfortable*) Oh, okay. Hello.
Sister: Oh we are a package deal. What you do to her, you do to me. And you do not want to f*** with me.
Me: (Sister), no, please don’t do this.
Sister: What? Don’t meet your new boyfriend?
Me: We’re just dating. Not, like, exclusive.
Sister: Listen, sweetheart, the last guy who talked to me like that ended up with a broken hand. I’m not saying I did it, but, you know? Okay? (*to me*) Remember (guy’s name)? He wanted to take you to (Movie) before me?
Me: (Sister) you need to go.
Date: Actually I think I’m gonna go. It was nice seeing you (my name). Maybe I’ll call you later.
(*He gets up and leaves before I can stop him*)
Sister: Oh he’s not the one for you. Too flaky.
Me: Are you f***ing kidding?
Sister: What?
Me: You barge in on my date, threaten him with physical violence and *he* is the problem?
Sister: He looks like a p****. You’re better off. You wanna split an appetizer?

(*I get up and leave her at the table. She tried to call me dozens of times over the next few days but my only response was that I would consider reconnecting if she stopped acting like an entitled b****. She hasn’t replied.*)

I’m an honorary Uncle for my friend’s two children, and was doing my monthly visit/babysitting with them. I had just tucked them in and came back downstairs and since it wasn’t too late I thought I would hang out with the adults for a little while and pretend I was a mature adult, rather then the childish man who would rather spend his day hanging out with cute kids then interacting with adults I really am.

As it happens my friend had recently taken on a renter. I’d had a few brief interaction with her while with the kids, but this was my first chance to really sit down and get to know her. She was young, still in college vs my being around 35 or 36 at this time. I was pleased to find she had a good sense of humor and we had quite a bit in common. She knew allot about computers while I was a programmer, and she was going to school for early childhood education while I volunteered with kids extensively amongst other things. In fact we kept finding new things we had in common while we chatted.

Friend: “You two have so much in common, you should start dating or something.”
Renter: “Oh he wouldn’t want to date someone as young as me!”*

*which you have to admit is a much nicer way of saying “that guys way to old for me!”

Me: “and beside which you know I’m aromantic!”
Friend: “but you two are prefect together.”
Me: “That still doesn’t make me stop being aromantic.”

She let it drop for the moment, but over the next hour to hour and a half I spent visiting before it was time for me to go my friend kept pointing out things we had in common and insinuating we should just start dating, despite the renters attempt to very politely point out the age difference and my repeatedly pointing out I was still aromantic and as such wasn’t planning to date anyone.

Friend: “but you two would be so cute together. You could talk computer stuff and volunteer with kids together and stuff.”

Getting a little frustrated I decide to try a different approach. I may have sounded just a tad sarcastic at this point…

Me: “you know what, your right! We do have so much in common, how didn’t I realize what you were telling me!

I slowly walk over to where the renter was sitting as I talk.

Me: “with so much in common we can’t pass this opportunity up.

I kneel down to her as if I’m about to propose to her.

Me: oh dear [renter] would you do me the honor of being my dear friend!”
Renter: (laughing a little bit) what?
Me: “we could have long walks on the beach debating rather dynamic or statically typed programming languages are better! and we could go volunteer with kids together as the best of friends!”

The renter apparently decides to play along as she does her best to sound as if she was someone excitedly accepting a proposal, in between giggles.

Renter: “oh I’m so honored! Yes! Yes I’d love to be your friend! Oh I can’t wait to tell my family!”
Friend: “that isn’t what I meant!”
Me: “yeah, but this way we get to enjoy all the stuff we have in common together without either of us having to magically change the type of person we are attracted to. Plus with my way it will at least be a little less awkward when passer by mistake me for her father!”

This actually seemed to have gotten through to my friend, or maybe just embarrassed her enough she decide to give up on playing match maker because she finally let the subject drop after that. In actuality despite really liking the renter I only really chatted with her when I came to watch the kids, so I suppose our friendship wasn’t that great. I did in fact talk her into joining me to volunteer as a judge for First Lego League once, so we did technically volunteer with kids together one time as promised. Still waiting on the long walk on the beach while discussing geek stuff though.

I was working in the drive-thru.

Me: “Welcome to [Fast Food Place]! We are currently featuring our—”

Speaker: “AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH!”

I blinked. There was silence. Not knowing what else to do, I finished my spiel, and the guy ordered. As he was ordering, every few minutes, there was this screaming out of absolutely nowhere. It sounded like someone was being murdered, and the customer didn’t even react.

I was going through every imaginable possibility. Was I being pranked? Was there a kid in the car? Was someone drunk? Was this some sort of psychological attack?

I was sixteen and this was my first job, so I just powered through and tentatively looked out the window to see what the h*** was going on with this customer.

And that was the day that I learned that a goat bleating through a drive-thru speaker sounds like a human screaming into oblivion. The dude had a d*** GOAT in the back of his truck in the drive-thru!

I worked at that job for, like, two years, and I never saw another livestock animal in the drive-thru. Goat guy, if you’re out there, please don’t do that again; the underpaid teenagers are not prepared to process that.

So, (cel phone company) was bought out by (other cel phone company), and (other company)is dropping its 3G support at the end of the year, which means I have to convert my account and replace my phone before then. And (other company) has been making this process as inconvenient and painful as possible so far.
(Note: I am resisting getting a smartphone as long as possible, because touchscreens are NOT my friend and I have screwed up my friends’ smartphones whenever they hand them to me and ask me to do something with them.)
So today I went to a (other company) store and waited twenty minutes for a clerk, began the process of getting the phone transferred, and then a different clerk came over to speed up the process. This conversation ensued:
CLERK: So which new phone would you like?
ME (opening flip-phone with full text keyboard) I would like one of these or something like it, but apparently they don’t make them anymore, and so far as I can tell you only have one phone that doesn’t have a goddamn touchscreen.
CLERK: That’s right. So is that the phone you would like?
ME: Unless you’ve got any other phones around that aren’t smart phones, yes.
CLERK: So is that the phone you want?
ME (a little irritated at this point): What I want doesn’t come into it. That is the only phone you have that isn’t a smartphone. I literally have no choice.
CLERK: So is that the phone you want?
ME (now seriously annoyed): YES!!
CLERK: All right, sir. I just wanted to make sure that was the phone you wanted. You don’t have to shout at me.
ME: And you don’t have to not listen to me!
(The first clerk then came over to tell me that they don’t actually HAVE that flip-phone in stock. So I wasted half an hour. Grr.)

Miles Of Smiles
We are travelling along an interstate highway where the speed limit is 100Kph.
The traffic is fairly light and moving along quite well.
We come up behind a very beat-up old Ford, doing about 80K, and which is obviously not very happy about it.
I’m not in any great hurry, so I don’t mind sitting behind it until I get a chance to safely change lanes and go around it.

I suddenly give a snort of laughter.
My passenger, caught by surprise, looks at me curiously, wondering what’s going on.
Me: (pointing to the car ahead) “Read the bumper sticker.”
Passenger: (reading) “My other car is a Porsche!” (laughs)

We both grin, and then I get a break and change lanes, go around the old Ford, and back up to a 100K and on our way.

I have to thank the driver, whoever s/he was, for brightening up a dull journey.