Woman: “My screw fell out of my glasses. Can you replace it?”

Me: “Absolutely.”

(I go in the back, replace the woman’s screw, and bring it back.)

Woman: “This is all wrong.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “This screw is silver. My screw was gold!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only screws I have are silver.”

Woman: “But my screw was gold. This thing is cheap.”

Me: “To be fair, your screw wasn’t gold. It just had gold paint on it just like your frames.”

Woman: “How do you know?”

Me: “Well, I looked at the other screw.”

Woman: “I thought this frame was solid gold.”

Me: “I’m afraid not. This is a $120 frame. It’s not going to be made of gold with gold screws for $120.”

Woman: “Can you give me a gold-painted screw?”

Me: “I only have silver, ma’am.”

Woman: “Well, I don’t want it.”

Me: “Would you like me to take it out and give you back your broken glasses?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “Then I suggest you take this screw.”

Woman: “I don’t want it!”

Me: “Then I’ll take it out for you.”

Woman: “No! I need them to see.”

(I hand her back her frame, still fully repaired.)

Woman: “I DON’T WANT THAT SCREW!”

Me: “Well, if you find the screw that fell out, I will be happy to put it back in for you.”

Woman: “I’ll never find it. It fell out a week ago!”

Me: *bangs head on wall*

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Me: “911, is this an emergency?”

Caller, screaming: “I have been trying to call you on the CB radio for an hour!”

Me: “We don’t monitor CB radio, do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “Of course you have CB radio, I see the cops talking on them all of the time!”

Me: “Those are police radios; they operate on a different radio frequency band. Do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “F*** you! F***ing lazy b*****d, this lady’s house is burning to the ground while you watch Showtime and ignore the CB!”

Me: “What is your location, sir?”

Caller: “I am–”

(At this time I hear a large BANG and the phone drops. A few moments later the man picks up the phone and tells me that his truck was fully involved and that was his tires exploding. He had parked his truck at the door of the house to load belongings while he tried to call on his CB. Both the house and truck were a total loss.)

Customer: My wireless network’s down. The modem says it’s connected but none of us can browse.

Me: “Can you ping the modem? … No? Okay, I’ll need you to connect to the modem with a cable, and log into the configuration page. Great. Now click on the ‘wireless’ tab.”

Customer: “There’s no wireless tab.”

Me: “What model of modem do you have?”

Customer: “An Open 624.”

Me: “Not the 624W?”

Customer: “No, I told you, the 624.”

Me: “Um… that is not a wireless-capable modem.”

Customer: *exploding* “Don’t bulls*** me! You sold me this piece of crap! It had wireless until yesterday and now it doesn’t!”

Me: “Did any of your neighbours move out?”

Customer: “What the h– …Oh.”

Me: “Shall I put you through to the modem sales department?”

(A woman calls in, telling me that she rented Good Luck Chuck for her young son’s sleepover without watching the movie first. She showed the movie to a party of young boys, and then had to call their parents to apologize.)

Woman: “I need to know how I can prevent this from happening in the future.”

Me: “Well, if you bring the movie up to the counter, chances are that somebody has seen the movie, and if they haven’t we can point you in the direction of a movie that would be appropriate.”

Woman: “This movie says ‘unrated.’ It should be okay!”

Me: “Actually, ‘unrated’ means that things have been put into the movie that couldn’t be shown in theaters.”

Woman: “What? I’ve seen CARTOONS that are unrated.”

(I assume she’s talking about ‘not rated,’ but decide that telling her that there’s a difference will just make her angrier.)

Me: “Well, if you flip over and read the back of the movie, under the rating it will tell you what it is rated that for–”

Woman: *sounding angry* “Yeah, I know, I read it. It says, ‘Nudity, Strong Sexual Content, Drug Use, and Adult Language.’ EVERY movie has that.”

Me: “I’m sorry about the misunderstanding. All I can suggest is that if you’re not sure, you can bring the movie up to the counter and we can help you. Would you like me to put a free movie on your account?”

Woman: “I don’t think you should even carry this movie on your shelves, it’s disgusting.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we only get what Corporate sends us.”

Woman: “Who can I complain to?”

Me: “All I can do is put a free movie on your account for the inconvenience. Our company gets the movies with the ratings from the production companies–”

Woman: “How can I call the production companies?”

Me: “Um, I guess you could search for them on Google?”

Woman: “Good, I am going to call the production company right now and complain.”

Me: *trying desperately not to laugh* “Okay, I’m really sorry for the inconvenience, have a nice night.”

(She hung up the phone and I immediately burst out laughing–apparently a label saying, “UNRATED – CHUCKED UP EDITION,” in giant letters, as well as all of the warnings on the back and just the plot of the movie are not enough warning. Does she want us to put up a sign saying, “DO NOT RENT THIS MOVIE FOR YOUR SON’S SLEEPOVER?”)

(I’m standing behind my counter when a man comes up to me with a prepaid phone and airtime card in his hand.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I wanna buy this.”

(I usually make people tell me what they want before I just “hop to.”)

Me: “That’ll be $63.55.”

Customer: *sets check down in front of me* “Just fill that out for me.”

Me: *thinking about writing a check for $20 over for a tip*

Related:
The Problem With Blank Checks