(I am emailing my husband. He is very into sci-fi, and we have lots of theoretical debates about time travel.)

Husband: “Hello, future wife. It’s sad but unavoidable that present me cannot tell present you that I love her. So, we’ll have to settle for this quantum ping pong that currently exists. I love you, too, in any case. And past you. And future you, after you. I look forward to minimizing our proximities, so I can be closer to my current you. More love. Past husband.”

(I am working the checkout on a very busy evening. Even though it is busy, I try to make small talk with the customers as we wait for their transactions to process. One lady comes up wearing a Winnie the Pooh jacket. As a Pooh fan myself, I compliment her on her jacket.)

Me: “I just love your jacket!”

Customer: “Thanks! I just wish they had Pooh.”

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “When I bought this one, they were out of stock on Pooh.”

Me: “That one does have Pooh.”

Customer: *looks down at her jacket* “Well, darn. I forgot which one I was wearing!”

(I am working at the produce department.)

Customer: “These potatoes smell like dirt.”

Me: “Well, of course they do, ma’am. Potatoes grow in the ground.”

Customer: *shocked* “That is just disgusting. What kind of potatoes do you people buy?!”

Me: “Regular ones?”

Customer: *drops the potatoes on the ground and storms out*

(I’m living away from home, going to school. My parents call me almost every night for a short chat.)

Mom: “How was class today, honey?”

Me: “I didn’t have class. I had my lab exam, remember?”

Mom: “Oh, right. Did you learn anything new?”

Me: “No, I had my lab exam!”

Mom: “Oh, right. When’s your lab exam?”

Me: “Today!”

Mom: “Oh, right. When’s your next exam?”

Me: “Monday. Mom, I’m going to head off now.”

Mom: “Ok, honey, love you. Good luck in your exam tomorrow.”

(My fiancée is in the habit of taking off her engagement ring when she does the dishes. She’s also in the habit of forgetting to put it back on. I’m in the kitchen grabbing a drink, and I see the ring on the counter. Once I’m in the bedroom, where she’s studying, I crawl onto the bed with the ring in hand.)

Me: “Will you marry me…again?”

Fiancée: *upset that she forgot the ring* “Oh, crap!”

Me: “Not the answer I was looking for.”