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Harry Potter And The Delusions Of Grandeur

| BC, Canada | Right | December 29, 2011

(I am working at the information desk where I look up titles for customers that can’t find what they’re looking for. An older woman approaches me with a request.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my son likes these movies. Oh, I forget what they’re called. It has three series written by an English lady. The boy has a mental disorder and he’s acting out.”

(I start giving her options of BBC documentaries, shows, etc.)

Me: “Do you remember any of the actors? Anything about what they were wearing, what they looked like, etc.?”

Customer: “The main boy has round glasses.”

Me: “Do you mean Harry Potter?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: *laughing* “What made you think he had a mental disorder?”

Customer: “He was at a big state hospital!”

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Totally Euforic

| NY, USA | Related | December 29, 2011

(I share a bedroom with my sister. We are playing the alphabet game instead of counting sheep.)

Sister: “I’ll go first…Alligator.”

Me: “Banana.”

Sister: “Cookie.”

Me: “Dog.”

Sister: “Euphoria.”

Me: “What does that mean?”

Sister: “Really happy.”

Me: “Oh. What comes after your word?”

Sister: “F.”

Me: “F, huh? Hmm… phone.”

*pause*

Me: “Shut up, I’m tired.”

The Muffin Man And Me(at)

| NY, USA | Related | December 29, 2011

(My sister and I are wreaking havoc at the check-out counter at the local supermarket. The cashier hands my sister a bag of muffins.)

Sister: “Here, take the muffins.”

(I grab the muffins.)

Sister: “Stop being so aggressive! Stop molesting the muffins!”

(The cashier is trying to hold back the giggles and hands my sister a bag of raw meat. I grab the bag of meat out of my sister’s hand.)

Me: “Ah, no! The men carry the meat in this family!”

Sister: “Then give me the darn muffins back!”

Me: “Never!”

Cashier: *now on the verge of tears, speaking very quickly* “Your total is $20.95. Thank you, and have a nice day!”

Sister and me: “Thank you!”

(We happily leave the supermarket.)

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 2

| Queens, NY, USA | Related | December 29, 2011

(Me and my mom are on the porch, saying goodbye to my brother who is leaving for college.)

Me: “I’m going to miss you. Just don’t make me an aunt!”

Brother: “Don’t make me an uncle!”

(My neighbor has been watching us. He looks shocked.)

Mom: *to neighbor, very proudly* “Yup, they’re my kids.”

Two Sides To Number One

| Chicagoland Area, IL, USA | Romantic | December 29, 2011

(My parents have been married for 34 years. They are having a fight and my mom is in the process of leaving the house to cool off.)

Mom: “I will see you later when I’m not angry at you anymore!”

Dad: *in a mocking love tone* “I love you sweet heart!”

(While backing out, my mom flips him the bird.)

Dad: “Number one? You think I’m number one?”

(He starts singing and doing a little dance in the driveway.)

Dad: “I’m number one! I’m number one! She thinks I’m number one!”

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