Boris Returns And Things Get Heavy

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 20, 2020

A lot of people don’t realise how laidback Aussies can be, and when it comes to tradies (tradespeople), a lot of foreign friends look shocked at some stories. For us, it’s almost like meeting new mates in the pub when tradies are called in for backyard work. It’s raw entertainment; you learn new skills and you meet some of the best humoured people that way.

Two of my housemates are hanging out on the back patio debating checking out a new movie that had recently dropped, looking up session times on their smartphones. Halfway through the ticket ordering process, a tall, well-built tradie leans over the back fence. This fence isn’t short by any means, so the tradie is huge! He calls out to my housemates in a strong Russian accent, letting them know they’re about to bring a rotting tree down on the fence line.

No worries. My housemates offer assistance and the tradie laughs politely.

Tradie: “Nah, ve should have this vun easy. Thanks, though, sorry for noise!”

My housemates go back to ordering their tickets.

Housemate #2: “So, we have a time now. Where did you want to sit? I usually go for the middle back but I’m happy to sit anywhere. I know your glasses might make being under the projector a little… Hey, [Housemate #1], you okay?”

Housemate #1: “Hmm? Oh, sorry. I just have a feeling we should hold off for a bit.”

[Housemate #1] stares intently at the back fence, the roar of a chainsaw coming from the other side. [Housemate #2] shrugs and starts scrolling on social media, looking up intermittently to see that [Housemate #1] is still fixated on the back fence.

Housemate #2: “You worried about leaving while the neighbour’s tree is being dropped?”

Housemate #1: “Not really. Our fence could do with replacing. I’m kinda hoping it falls wrong.”

Housemate #2: *Laughs* “Yeah. I doubt we will be so lucky, though; those guys seem to know what they’re doing.”

[Housemate #1] just huffs in agreement. We have a really non-active real estate and things have to be either totally dead or dangerous for them to act on any repair orders. Having a tree fall on the patchy, rotted-out, half-fallen-over-already fence would be like winning the lottery.

About twenty minutes later, [Housemate #1] is losing hope and pulls up the tickets on their phone again, hovering over the buy button when [Housemate #2] starts excitedly tapping her arm and points at the top of the tree being removed. It’s starting to tilt, but not in the direction it should be.

[Housemate #1] drops the phone and starts chanting quietly.

Housemate #1: “Let it fall, let it fall, let it fall…”

[Housemate #2] joins, and they start chanting louder and louder until a startled cry goes up from the neighbours’ side.

Tradie: “SCATTER!”

The tree collapses with an almighty crash, right on top of the dilapidated fence. My housemates both let out a loud cheer, [Housemate #1] even flinging her coffee mug up in a concert salute.

(People drinking at concerts tend to do this a LOT in Australia, so if you’re near someone with a drink in-hand and the band announces an album hit coming up next, you find another location to stand if you want to avoid the splash zone.)

So now, both housemates are covered in cold coffee, [Housemate #1] is still cheering while [Housemate #2] is tangled in their chair from trying to dodge the downpour, the neighbours to our right’s dog is going ballistic, and a couple of screams come from the house on our other side.

Silence descends for a second or two, and then the huge Russian tradie appears over the ruins of the fence, scratching his head and looking rather sheepish.

Tradie: “Ve thought ve vere strong; ve vere wrong.”

The real estate replaced the fence, my housemates never got round to seeing their movie, the neighbour’s were horrified, and the property manager was subjected to repeated, terrible attempts at the tradie’s one-liners during the damages appraisal and incident report.

That was the fastest repair order to ever be done on that house.

Related:
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Leave The Accents To Boris
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