(When I was about 5-6 years old, I was at a school that apparently decided I was a worthless, lying piece of trash. At this school, they had a thing where you could get a coupon for a cookie at lunch. Now I couldn’t eat them, due to my health conditions; but one of my best friends had the same birthdate as me. I decided to get one so my friend could have two.)

5-6 yr old me: *chipper* Hey, today’s my birthday! could I have the cookie voucher?

Principle: No, because it’s not your birthday!

5-6 yr old me: Yes it is!!!!!

Principle: No it isn’t, I don’t appreciate lying.

5-6 yr old me: You can check on the computer-thingy, it IS my b-day!

Principle: *ignores last comment* It is not your birthday young lady, please refrain from lying just to get a cookie.

5-6 yr old me: YES IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<continues to argue back and forth>

5-6 yr old me: *gives up* UGGGHHHHH! *kicks him*

Principle: That’s it young lady! You are being suspended!

<We walk past wall were we put up everyone’s birthdates>

Principle: So, you were right. But if you had tried to talk it out, instead of resorting to violence; you could have gotten your cookie!

5-6 yr old me: * internally: SHUT THE EVERLOVING F*CK UP!* …

<mom’s called, boring adult stuff>

Mom: So, why DID you even WANT the coupon? You can’t have the cookie.

5-6 yr old me: It wan’t FOR me, it was for my friend …, who has the same birthday as me! I thought it would be a nice thing for her…

Mom: *that makes sense* *so sweet* SIGH, well you shouldn’t of kicked him, but HE was the one who was acting irrational and childish. Honestly! Arguing with a little kid! *continues ranting, calling him many elaborate things*

5-6 yr old me: Am I in trouble?

Mom: No, dear.

My sisters and I were playing an online survival game where you build a raft and survive by collecting drifting salvage, scavenging wreckage and ruins for supplies, or diving underwater to collect materials. To add to the tension of keeping your character alive, your raft is constantly harassed by a massive great white shark that, if you manage to kill it, will respawn after three minutes. We quickly determine the best strategy is to kill the shark right next to an island, and then dive for all the underwater goodies we can find before exploring the island itself.

However, as we start the game, the elder of my two sisters, Sister 1, was having issues with her audio on our chat server, and so posted to the chat what she was trying to say. This, of course, sent a ping that there was an update to everyone in the server, which included my brother.

Brother: “Hey guys. Are you playing a round of [mystery game] with me?”

Sister 2: *laughs* “No, we’re playing [survival game]. Do you have a copy?”

At this point, my character is underwater playing chicken with the shark, while my sisters are crafting supplies on the raft, and I finally managed to beat the shark.

Me: “BRUCE IS DEAD! BRUCE IS DEAD! GO GO GO GO GO!!”

Sister 1: “Quick! We need the scrap!”

Brother: *freaking out* “What the **** is going on?!”

Me: *suddenly realizes the issue* “Oh! Dude, Bruce is the name of the shark in the game! Not our dad!”

Sister 2: “Seriously, [Brother], we are not planning on murdering dad!”

We all burst out laughing as my brother sheepishly admitted he was briefly concerned for our dad’s safety. Don’t worry; he won’t live this down for a while yet!

My coworker has a weird outlook on life, he seems to act like everyone’s issues are minor and so simple.
I find it really grating , not only is it condescending but as he butt’s in before anyone else can answer , it stops people getting actual support.

One morning I arrive at the office clearly tired, my boss chats to me and asks why.

Me: oh nothing really, my youngest had a bad dream and got into bed with us.

Coworker: (butting in) simple, just don’t let her. Tell her to get back to bed.

Me: well I am not going to do that am it? She’s four and was really upset

Coworker: well if you want to get a decent night sleep.

Me: sure, whatever. (I look at my boss, we exchange glances. I roll my eyes)

Coworker: what?! That is exactly what I would do, instead of complaining about things all the time.

Me: (I wasn’t even complaining, besides i’d rather have a rubbish night sleep then have my child crying all night to herself.) You don’t have kids, so thanks but no thanks for your advice.

On reflection it was pretty harsh, but he did at least stop trying to give me ‘advice’ on how to run my life after that.

When I was about 12, I had a god-awful case of strep throat. Tonsils swollen so much it hurt to breathe, raw and bloody, pockets of pus covering them, extreme pain when I would drink, eat, or even just swallow the saliva being over-produced from my irritated throat. My mom took one look at them and took me to the doctor ASAP.

When the doctor looked inside my mouth, she gasped, her face contorted, and she looked visibly horrified. She gagged and exclaimed “Oh God! You poor, poor thing!”, swiftly writing me a prescription for antibiotics. My doctor was well into her 60’s and had been in medicine all her life, so it must have been pretty bad to incite that reaction. She said she wanted to send me out the door without a swab, but she said she had to in order to confirm it was strep. I swear she almost teared up for me as she quickly and professionally jabbed my throat to get the inevitable agonizing pain over with.

So very fortunately for me, the pills I was prescribed worked wonderfully. Also VERY fortunately for me, they were the largest god**** pills I had and have ever seen in my life. My first dosage, I vomited from the pain of trying to swallow it. Thankfully after about 4 days I was all better, and the memory of that hellish infection remains naught but a scar on my and my doctor’s minds.

Walking down the hall at work, I go past a man I don’t know talking to a woman I don’t know about the hand sanitizer she gave him to use and how good it smells. He says, “I want to eat my hands, they smell so good!” He stops me and says, “Here, smell my hands! Don’t they smell good?” I have to admit, they did.