I work in a hotel in a popular Scottish town. Two gentlemen walk in and up to the desk, and I ask how I can help.

First man: “Can I have a map of the hotel?”
Me: “A map of the hotel or the town?” I’m confused as we’re a tiny hotel
First man: “A map from home to the hotel”
Me: “From your home?”
Second man: “A twin room”
Me: “For tonight?”
Second Man: “No it’s not for me”
First man: “It’s for friends”
Me: “Okay so when are they looking to stay?”
First Man: “For three days”
Me: “Okay, what dates?”
First Man: “Monday to Thursday”
Me: “Okay what date”
First Man: “Just three days”
Me: “Yes our rates vary throughout the year, when would it be?”
First Man: “Just Monday to Thursday”
Me: “Next Monday?”
Second Man: “Okay sure”

I proceed to quote them room rates and explain the room types. I write it down for them with the dates I’ve quoted for. They walk away, with the second man reminding me it’s not for him…. Should’ve just given them a town map and walked away!

(I work in a craft store. We have cabinets of spray paint that are kept locked so that people don’t use the spray paint in the store. There’s a button on one of the cabinets to call an associate to open them. I work in framing, which has a workshop in the back of the store. A customer comes up to the workshop.)

Customer: Excuse me, can you call someone to open the spray paints for me?

Me: (figuring she didn’t see the button) I’ll be right there.

(I grab the key and meet her at the spray paints. She points out the first paint she wants, which is far enough from the button that she could easily have missed it. Then she points to a paint that is directly behind the giant red button. My radio is on, and the button has been working all day, so I know she didn’t try to press it. Some people are so oblivious!)

(This is about five years ago. I work at a park as a cashier at a drink stand. It is the middle of July, and it is already HOT even though it’s early. We open in about a half hour, but the street running through the park is open to the public at all hours, so folks are already walking their dogs, running, etc. I am setting up my drink stand in the morning when two women walk up to the stand and stare at me for several seconds, smiling. After realizing the “ignore them till they realize we are closed and go away” strategy won’t work, I look up at them.)

Woman 1: Hi! I bet people would all DIE out here if you weren’t here selling water.
Woman 2: *smiles and nods*
Me: Uh…. yes?
Woman 2: *silently, pulls out a bright pink slip of paper that says JESUS LOVES YOU in garish rainbow font*
Me: (not wanting to cause trouble) Well, thanks! I appreciate this!
Woman 1: I noticed a glow about you. You seem like a very peaceful person. Is this true?
Me: ….I guess?
Woman 1: *makes sounds like she is trying to swallow a live snake for a few seconds* Did you understand what I just said?
Me: *confident for the first time during this conversation* No. I did not.
Both women: *eyes light up and they smile and nod at each other emphatically*
Woman 1: What is your name?
Me: [My name]
Woman 1: [My name], do you know Jesus?
Me: Yes, I do! (Actually true, I am a practicing Catholic)
Woman 1: Do you know your Bible, [My name]? [My name], do you remember Acts of the Apostles, when the Holy Spirit came down, and the apostles were without fear? [My name], do you want to be without fear, [My name]? (Not a typo: she repeated my name at every possible opportunity).
Woman 2: *looks on expectantly and smiles at me*

(I just want them to go away, but she does not. Instead, she prays over me, and asks me if I have accepted the Lord as my Savior, which again, I already have, so I say yes in order to keep the peace.)

Woman 1: Now, [My name], I want you to do something you might think is weird, [My name].
Me: …..?
Woman 1: Just say this…. ready? *I nod* “Bub bub bub bub. Don’t worry about it, just say it, [My name]. The only ones that can hear you are us, and the Lord, [My name].”
Me: *dumbfounded that we are actually doing this, but at this point I am genuinely curious to see how this plays out* Okay…. bub……. bub……. bub…..?
Woman 1: *is also making bub sounds, but at some point they transform into that snake sound again* DID YOU FEEL ANYTHING?!
Me: No, I don’t think so.
Woman 1: Okay, let’s try again, my child.

(And we try again. At this point, my curiosity has given way to polite impatience. I need to finish getting my stand set up.)

Woman 1: Did you feel anything that time?!
Me: Yeah, I think so!
Woman 1: REALLY?!?!?!?!?!? (Yes, those punctuation marks are necessary. To say that angels flew out of her eye sockets and carried her straight to heaven is an exaggeration, but only slightly so.)
Me: Well, maybe. I’ll keep working on it.
Woman 1: Good, my child. Good. And then you shall be able to cast out demons. Keep reading your Bible, [My name]. And have a blessed day.
Me: Bye!

(And then they walked away, and I had a normal day, and didn’t even get a chance to cast out one demon.)

Me: Thank you for calling [Brand] online shop. My name is [name]. How can I help you?
Customer: Hey I have a few model number and wanted to order them.
Me: Sure. Can you give me the number and I can check if if we have them in our online shop.
Customer: Wait! Online shop? I don’t do with the internet. I want to order over the phone.
Me: Sure I can place your order over the phone, but unfortunately for security reasons we are not allowed to take card details over the phone and can only process the order with a bank transfer. But we send the bank details over email.
Customer: Well what happens when I don’t have an email address.
Me: Well sir this is an online shop and all our communication for the order is via email – invoice, order confirmation, shipping details, tracking number.
Customer: OMG. How does that work. I am gonna give up on [Brand].
Me: Sorry about that sir, but you did call an online shop.
He said something I couldn’t understand than I think he said “Who will fix this world. Maybe William’s new son will fix it” (This was just two days after William and Kate’s third child was born. Sorry name not announced yet)

*As I walk up onto the second floor of my library to shelve some books, a woman’s voice carries to me loud and clear.*

Woman: …and that rat b******, you’ll never believe what he f****** said to me…

*I start walking down the aisles, glancing up and down to try and find the speaker. All I find are other patrons looking increasingly uncomfortable, while the woman continues.*

Woman: And he has the gall to tell me I was f****** around! Well I told him, I don’t care who you f***, your d*** is too small to–

*When I reach the back wall, I look down. The second floor does not extend entirely over the first floor, and a woman is standing by the back window on the first floor, talking on her phone. She is in the perfect spot for her voice to be carried and amplified up to the second floor*

Me: Ma’am.

Woman: …and he can go straight to f****** h*** for all I care…

Me: Excuse me, ma’am!

Woman: *pauses, glares around her, the looks up* What the h***?

Me: Ma’am, I’m sorry he’s a b******, but your voice is carrying and the entire second floor can hear you.

Woman: Oh s***! Sorry!

*Later, I was telling some colleagues about the incident, and a senior librarian reminisced about the day she listened (from the second floor) to someone masturbate in that spot for about ten minutes before saying “Look, go home, relax, and try again in an hour!”*