I work at an online university, and due to the current pandemic we are all working remotely from home. This has made communication somewhat difficult, though I am unsure how much it accounts for the confusion I have just experienced.

A student applies to the university with one of my colleagues. She says that her husband is a disabled navy veteran and she will be using military benefits. For some reason, my colleague puts in the application that she herself is a veteran and does not notate that she is planning to use benefits. Because of this, the computer system automatically asks her to submit a joint services transcript (JST).

The student submits a form allowing us to request the JST on her behalf, but the processing team tells us it is invalid because they can’t find a record for her. When we address this with the student, she says that she has never served so that is why there is no record of her. We wonder why she submitted the form in the first place, but the blame is equally due to our colleague who entered the information incorrectly. Someone else submits a request to have the JST removed from her file and we think that’s the end of it.

Nope! Processing denies the request because [Software #1] indicates that she is a veteran. I am the lucky counselor to see the notification first, so it is my responsibility to follow up. I try changing the status manually, but no dice. My team lead advises me to submit a service ticket to have it fixed. I make sure to document everything as clearly as possible and hope that this will fix the issue.

The next morning, I clock in and find that my ticket was denied. The comment said that the service team is unable to modify military status, and that I must contact Military Advising. I call them and the representative informs me that Military Advising cannot make that change because they use [Software #2], not [Software #1]. He advises me to call Military Benefits, which I do. THAT representative says that [Software #2] contains no information whatsoever for the student. She adds the student’s information and suggests I reach back out to the service team to make sure it is updated.

I go back to the service team and try to comment on my ticket, but it tells me that ticket is no longer being monitored because it was closed. Okay, I make a new ticket and detail all the different people I have been told to contact. A few minutes later, I receive a response that says:

“Thank you for sending this over. The student’s status and branch was already spouse of navy veteran, so I updated her military benefits to Chapter 35. If you have not already done so, please send this update to Military Benefits so the change can be made in [Software #2].”

In other words, the party that apparently could not edit a student’s military status is now telling me to contact a party I already spoke with, who already made the change that needs to be made, because the party that the service team told me to contact could not do what they needed them to do.

(I teach Chinese children English online. One of our vocabulary words for the day is ‘Pharmacy’. I pull up the flash card.)

Me: So this is a pharmacy. What can we get at a pharmacy? [Student #1]?
Student #1: WE CAN GET LOTS AND LOTS OF PILLS!!!!!
Me: Uh…right…

(I go on to explain to the students that some pills are good and some are bad. I’m not sure if the student actually knew what he was saying, but if he did know what he was saying…I worry about where he got it from.)

My dad, nana and I are talking about my stepmother’s ball python, and where she’ll be set up for the summer.

Me: Remember that ribbon snake we had?

Nana: Where did you get a ribbon snake?

Dad: We caught it wild. I do remember her. You named her Victoria.

Me: She shot blood out of her vagina.

Nana: I didn’t need to hear that!

Dad: Yeah, that was a random fact.

I’ve just accepted a new job out of state that will start in a month. Realizing I had never scheduled my annual mammogram, I call my OB/GYN. After several frustrating calls with indifferent—and even rude—front-end staff, they finally shrug their collective shoulders and tell me I should schedule it in my new city.

As I’m venting about this “mammogram scheduling fiasco”, my husband shares this gem: “We need to create a website or something to keep track of all these customer relations stories (!)”

I work for my public library and I would answer phone calls and transfer them to the librarians or circulation. One day while answering the phone, I get this lovely gem.

Me: (Public library). My name is…. (I immediately get cut off).

Solicitor call: Hi, I’m glad that I got you. My name is Sam and I’m calling back for an insurance…

Me: I hang up on them thinking it was a robotic call because I was rudely interrupted.

Solicitor calls back with a different operator 3 or 4 times and every time I hang up on them. I finally had enough and actually listened to the last one.

Me: Me: (Public library). My name is…. (I immediately get cut off).

Solicitor: Hi there, I was so glad to reach you. My name is Maria and I’m calling back about the insurance you asked about.

Me: (paused for about 3 seconds and realized that it was a REAL person on the other line) I’m sorry, but you called a place of business. Could you please put us on your “Do Not Call” list? Thank you.

Solicitor: Oh, I’m sorry. Sure. (click)

And here I was thinking that was the end of that. Nope! The next day,

Me: (Public library). My name is…. (I immediately get cut off).

Solicitor: Hi there, I was so glad to reach you. My name is Rosa and I’m calling back about the insurance you asked about. This call is recorded and monitor.

Me: Yes, you called the (public library) and we get our insurance from the city. Please put us on your “Do Not Call” list. Thank you.

Solicitor: Bye. (click)

Hopefully that would be end of that.