(I work for a real estate office. I am getting ready to take time off for my wedding, so I have notified all the agents that I will be unavailable, and told them the reason why. I get a few kind words and wishes throughout the week as people see me, and then there is this interaction. I will also add that, throughout this whole conversation, the agent remains completely deadpan.)

Agent: *approaches me* “I believe congratulations are in order.”

Me: “Thank you!”

Agent: “Is it an outdoor wedding?”

Me: “Yes, it is outdoors, so we have been keeping an eye on the weather, but it looks like it should be a clear day.”

Agent: “Oh, you’ll have plenty of cloudy days ahead. Don’t you worry.”

(With that, she left.)

(I work in a highly secure department of a large company. Due to security requirements, everyone is required to show their ID badge at all times. Failing to do so, or failing to report someone you see without a badge, is a security infraction. I am coming back to the office from lunch. As I use my badge to open the door, a pair of men in suits come in behind me, no badges showing.)

Me: “Can I see your badges, please?”

Man #1: *in a sort-of joking tone* “What if I say no?”

Me: *calmly* “Then I will call security and have you escorted off of the premises or arrested. Can I see your badges, please?”

Man #2: *laughing at the first man and pulling out his badge to show me* “Don’t be an a**, [CEO’s First Name], she’s doing exactly what she’s supposed to. It would serve you right if she did. Show her your d*** badge!”

(The first man showed me his badge, looking embarrassed. He was the CEO! And the second man was the Chief Security Officer! I’m glad I decided to be strict about enforcing the security policy!)

(I had a normal day once. It was a Thursday.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Car Insurance]. How can I help?”

Angry Client: “YOU’RE ALWAYS GIVING ME DIFFERENT F****** DIFFERENT PRICES FOR MY CARS!”

Me: “Sir, please can you provide your details so I can look into this for you.”

Angry Client: “It’s f****** [details]!”

Me: “Please, sir, refrain from swearing. I’m trying to help.”

Angry Client: “It’s f****** normal where I’m from; we talk to all bloody offices like this!”

Me: “Sir, I can tell by your accent you are from [Country in Southern Hemisphere].”

Angry Client: “Yeah, so? What about it?!”

Me: “Well, sir, I am also from [Country in Southern Hemisphere] but do not speak with an accent. I have never spoken to anyone the way you have spoken to me. Also, this country is not [Country in Southern Hemisphere], and they do not expect to be spoken to the way you have spoken to me. While we have been chatting, I’ve looked at your account. We have not changed anything on your account. You keep changing things, causing different prices, and you have spoken to four different people with different information, so you would have four different prices. Now, can I help you with anything?”

Angry Client: *silence then murmuring*

Me: “Sir? Can I help you?”

Angry Client: “I’m sorry. I’ll accept the first quote.”

(After this call, which the whole office listened to, I was told to go and have a break and look at videos of pug puppies… It helps.)

(My boss is a generally nice guy, but he does get worked up and angry quickly when things go wrong. He calms down as quickly as he gets angry, but everyone always approaches his office with a chocolate bar, just in case, as they seem to soothe him. One day a new employee goes to say the photocopier is broken.)

Boss: *from his office* “FOR F***’S SAKE!”

(A few seconds later the new girl comes out nearly crying.)

Me: “You forgot the chocolate, didn’t you?”

(A coworker from another office is visiting to assist with migration to a new system. She comes up to me, mid-morning.)

Coworker: “Those conference rooms over there…”

Me: “Yes?”

Coworker: “When the door is closed… does that mean they’re closed?”

Me: “Yes.”

(She looks confused and walks away, then not a minute later runs back.)

Coworker: “Occupied. I meant occupied. Please, I’m not stupid. Sorry.”

(She eventually found a room she could use.)