Me: “Hey, [Coworker], you’re into gardening. There’s a bush with purple berries in my garden. Do you think you could help me identify them?”

Coworker: “Absolutely. Bring some in.”

The next week, I do so.

Me: “Here’s a bag of those berries I mentioned. Let me know what you think they are.”

Later that day:

Me: “Oh, hello, did you get a chance to look at those berries?”

Coworker: “Yes. I think they’re either blackcurrant or deadly nightshade. Now please excuse me while I go wash my hands.”

I just started a new job in a lab and picked up the work quickly. After a few months, I’m introduced to [Coworker], an old guy who has been with the company for decades. I’ve never had much to do with [Coworker]; he does whatever he has to do, away in the corner.

It turns out much of the work in the lab has changed dramatically in the last ten years, and [Coworker] just can’t keep up. They keep him on to work some of the older machines and that’s all he does. [Coworker] is taking a holiday and they ask me to try to learn how to do the basics of his work before he leaves.

It turns out that [Coworker] is a bitter old technophobe. Any discussion or any mention of anything new in the past twenty years is met with derision. He has nothing good to say about anyone or anything. Whenever his PC throws up an error message (by his doing), he complains and mocks “how great modern technology is.”

The training is painfully slow. I sit in silence for most of the week. Eventually, it is over and [Coworker] goes on holiday.

Boss: “If you need any help on [Coworker’s machine], let me know and we can go through it together.”

Me: “Oh, thanks. But I’m finished.”

Boss: “Already? Well, you can make a start on the work pending after your break.”

Me: “I did that, too. I was going to ask, is there much more for today? I can go back to my normal job, otherwise.”

Boss: *Pauses* “No, that was the work for the week.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Slow week, I guess.”

Boss: “Can you show me how you did it? Not that I don’t believe you.”

Me: “Err… sure.”

I show him how I used the machine, just like I was trained. He runs a few through tasks himself and gets the same results.

Boss: “Keep this between you and me, but this work normally takes a full week, and you did it in a few hours. But [Coworker] only has two more months at the company. “

Me: “Okay, I get it.”

[Coworker] came back, and the first thing he asked was if I’d broken the machine; the youth of today don’t listen so he would have to recheck everything. My boss stopped him there and let him know that I had done a great job and would be taking over full-time after he retired.

More negativity and derision.

Thankfully, a few months later, he retired, but not before one last act of pettiness: he took the books and notes for the old machines. Luckily, my notes were more than enough, and the machines were replaced a year later, anyway.

I am discussing work with my coworker when he suddenly comes out with a non-sequitur.

Coworker: “Did you hear about the survey that included ‘Chinese’ under ‘sexuality’?”

Me: “Um, what?”

Coworker: “Yeah, they included it under ‘sexuality’ instead of ‘ethnicity’ by accident. Let me show you.”

My coworker turns to his computer, opens Google, and starts to type “Chinese sexuality survey.”

Me: “NO! That is not something you Google at work!”

My coworker pauses, Googles “Things you do not Google at work,” and points at the screen, displaying a webpage listing things one does not Google at work.

Coworker: “Yay!”

I am working as a phlebotomist at a labcorp. That means I’m the guy that draws your blood whenever you need it done for some sort of test. The latest person I’m drawing blood from is polite with a decent sense of humor and doesn’t freak out at the idea of having blood drawn, so generally, I consider him a decent customer.

Me: “Apply pressure here, please.”

Patient: “Okay. I guess you’re almost done with me, huh?”

Me: “Just about.”

Patient: “Lucky you. Most people agree five minutes of dealing with me is about the most anyone should have to endure.”

Me: “Oh, that’s not fair. I didn’t mind drawing for you at all.”

Patient: “I guess I can understand that. I mean, most people I meet end up wanting to stab me, but you’re one of the few that actually gets to do it! Must be very therapeutic, huh?”

Me: “Yep, stabbing people for fun and profit — what’s not to love about this job?”

Patient: “That’s the spirit! Have a good day now. Enjoy making people bleed.”

Me: “Oh, I will, I promise.”

I work in a clean room in a high-accuracy lab. We do work for all sorts of companies — automation, aviation, military, etc. Mistakes are not acceptable, so we have strict rules and procedures to follow. When things do go wrong, it’s normally minor and picked up by one of the overchecks we do.

I’m checking some parts on a machine and notice it clearly isn’t right. I check it on the backup equipment, and yes, there is a problem. I shut down the machine, lock it off, and finish the work on the backup.

It takes me a while but I finish and put it in the collection area. I notice another set of parts my coworker set down.

Me: “Did you check these today?”

Coworker: “Yeah, and?”

Me: “I have the backup. How did you check them?”

Coworker: “On the [main machine], duh!”

Me: “But I have the key. How… how is that possible?”

Coworker: “Ugh, I don’t have to explain the obvious to you.”

He snatched the key out of my hand.

I debated what to do, but in the end, I had to raise it to my boss. Turns out [Coworker] had never checked them at all and just copied the last report he did. All his work had to be rechecked, including some of the stuff already given back to the customer. It was incredibly embarrassing for the company and department. Officially, he quit, but I don’t think he had a choice.