(A regular customer of mine comes in on a busy Saturday morning for her monthly trim. She is very particular, but we get along really well. I have been cutting her hair for at least ten years. After I cut her hair, I ask her to feel it, show her the back with a hand mirror, let her hold the mirror and look at it herself, and she confirms she is satisfied with her trim… except for one thing. She wants the back shorter. This is a usual request, but this time she specifically said she wanted it left longer, so I am surprised when she asks me to go shorter. I tell her to give it a try for a couple days and if she still wants to go shorter, I will do it for free. She agrees and leaves the salon. Two hours later, she comes back, red-faced.)

Me: “Hi! Did you decide you wanted to go shorter after all?”

Customer: “No! You cut my hair way too short! This is terrible! How dare you do this to me? You used to be such a good hairdresser!”

Me: *stunned* “I’m very sorry you feel that w—“

Customer: *cutting me off* “You stop talking and give me my money back! Not another word!”

Me: “I understa—“

Customer: “NOT ANOTHER WORD! GIVE ME MY MONEY!”

(I hand her the money and she leaves, and I think it’s all over. But wait! There’s more! Two weeks later, she comes in and demands “the free haircut” I apparently promised her and makes a big fuss about how long I left her hair. I gently ask her to not return to my salon, as I no longer feel I could meet her needs since she so bluntly told me I suck at my job. She shouts at me, and tells me this is unacceptable because:)

Customer: “I live so close to here, but you want me to find a new salon?”

(I mean, we live in a city with a thousand salons, sooo… Yes. Yes, I do.)

(At least once a week, a customer will call us, irate, telling us they have rented multiple movies and returned them, but now they are getting automated phone calls telling them that one of the movies hasn’t been returned. The vast majority of the calls go exactly like this:)

Customer: “I returned all my movies. You all made a mistake!”

Me: “That’s possible. Let me pull up your account. Is the movie they’re saying you didn’t return [Movie]?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, it’s showing that it’s still checked out. Let me check a few places for you. I’m going to put you on hold, okay?”

(I check the shelf for the exact copy of the movie that is missing, as well as the drop box. We literally have a laundry basket holding the movies, so often titles will get missed between the wall and the basket. I also often check the movies waiting to be sorted/returned to the shelf.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ve checked all over the place. I’m not finding it here in the store. Is there any chance it could have been missed on accident?”

Customer: “NO! I returned all my movies at once.”

Me: “I understand, sir. Please do me a huge favor, though. Check two places for me: next to your DVD player, and in your car. A lot of times, movies fall down cracks, either behind entertainment centers or in seat cushions. Call me back if you don’t find it, okay?”

Customer: “I won’t find it, because I returned it!”

(The movie would usually be in the drop box within the hour. A few brave souls actually walked it inside and apologized!)

(My mother works as a customer service representative for a company that makes lamps. About five years ago, they started listing all of their products online, rather than in print. Today she told me about a particular customer that called her.)

Mom: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I have an old catalog of yours, and I was wondering if you could send me a more current one.”

Mom: “You can see our most current catalog online at [Website].”

Caller: “No, no, I need it in a book.”

Mom: “The last physical copy of our catalog was printed in 2012. Our catalog is online now.”

Caller: “So you haven’t been making lamps since 2012?”

Mom: “No, we still make lamps. Our catalog is on our website, [Website].”

(The caller starts to get angry.)

Caller: “No, no, no! I need a physical copy of your catalog to put on my shelf! Send me your most recent catalog in a book!”

Mom: “Sir, I can’t do that. We don’t print our catalog anymore. You need to use our website.”

(This went back and forth for another minute or so before the caller hung up. Some people just can’t take no for an answer.)

Me: “Good afternoon, and thank you for calling [Pet Store]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I want to bring my dog in tomorrow to get grooming done.”

Me: “Sure thing. Let me get you set up. What would you like done?”

Customer: “I want what he got last time.”

Me: “Okay, according to the computer, last time he was in he got a haircut. Did you want the same haircut this time?”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “No, I want what he got last time but no haircut.”

Me: “Okay, so, no haircut. Just a bath, then?”

Customer: *very angry now* “NO. I WANT WHAT I GOT LAST TIME, BUT NO HAIRCUT. WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND?”

Me: “Sir, you said you did not want a haircut, but that is what you got last time. If you do not want a haircut, he will just be getting a bath, which I can set you up for in just a minute.”

Customer: *practically screaming at this point* “NO! YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME! NO ONE EVER GETS THIS RIGHT! WHY CAN’T ANYONE IN THAT STORE GET ANYTHING RIGHT? I WANT WHAT I GOT LAST TIME. I DON’T WANT A BATH! I WANT WHAT I GOT LAST TIME.”

Me: *very done at this point* “I apologize. Let me set you up. A special haircut without the haircut for tomorrow.”

Customer: *pleased now* “Yes, that’s what I want.”

Me: “All right, how does four o’clock sound?”

Customer: “Great. I will be there at four o’clock tomorrow!”

Me: “Great. We will see you tomorrow, and you have a wonderful evening!”

Coworker: “Did that guy want a bath for tomorrow?”

Me: “Oh, no, he wants a haircut appointment but no haircut.”

Coworker: “So, a bath?”

Me: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pet Store]. How can I help you out today?”

Customer: “Yes, I need directions to your store.”

Me: “Well, I can try to help you, but I am not that familiar with any other town besides my own. Where do you live?”

Customer: “[Small town about five minutes away].”

Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t know that town well enough to give you directions. I can tell you that we are on [Busy Street] and [Small Highway]. If you get to one of those streets and go south, you will be here in about five to ten minutes, depending on traffic.”

Customer: *angrily* “NO! I NEED SPECIFIC DIRECTIONS! I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GET THERE! YOU MUST TELL ME HOW TO GET THERE!”

Me: “Sir, as I said, I am sorry, but I am not familiar with your area so I cannot give you specific directions.”

Customer: “THAT IS RIDICULOUS! I NEED DIRECTIONS! YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW TO GET TO YOUR STORE! TELL ME HOW TO GET THERE!”

Me: “Can I put you on a brief hold and ask around and see if anyone that works here knows your area? Then mayb—“

Customer: “NO! I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON HOLD! JUST TELL ME HOW TO GET THERE NOW!”

Me: “Have you tried Google Maps? That will give you specific directions on how—“

Customer: “I DO NOT WANT TO USE MAPS! I WANT YOU TO TELL ME HOW TO GET THERE! WHY WON’T YOU JUST TELL ME HOW THE F*** TO F****** GET THERE?!”

Me: “Okay, sir, hold on!”

(I pull up Google Maps on my cell phone and type in the address he gave me. I literally read off the directions straight from the page.)

Customer: *happy now* “Now, was that so hard?”

Me: “Can I answer any more questions for you, sir?”

Customer: “Yes. Do you carry [Popular Dog Food]?”

Me: “No, we do not.”

Customer: “WELL, F***! FORGET IT!” *hangs up*

Me: *to coworker* “I’m going on lunch and never coming back.”