Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell baked chicken here?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, this is a bakery. There is a deli a block down the road.”

Customer: “Exactly, this is a bakery. You should have the baked chicken I need.”

Me: “No, we sell baked goods here, like bread and cake. The deli is just a block away down [street].”

Customer: “You sell BAKED goods at the BAKERY and I want BAKED chicken.”

Me: *tries something different* “Umm… we’re sold out.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I guess I’ll go to the deli down the road then.”

Me: “…”

College Student: “Do you have any stamps?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. This is a library.”

College Student: “But I need to buy some stamps.”

Me: “I can’t help you. We don’t sell stamps in the library. You should try the post office in [college building] tomorrow.”

College Student: “But I need the stamps now. Can’t I just have some stamps?”

Me: “Listen, libraries don’t sell stamps. The post office will sell you stamps tomorrow morning when it opens. But right now, in this building, I can not sell you stamps.”

College Student: “So you’ll sell me stamps tomorrow?”

Me: “Listen, you can’t even mail anything on a Sunday evening. Why don’t you come back later?”

(Not surprisingly, he came back at 8 the next morning demanding stamps.)

Me: *on the phone* “[Publishing Office], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Is Mr. [Name] in?”

Me: “I’m sorry, Mr. [Name] passed away last month.”

Caller: “Well, when is he coming back?!”

(I work for a political party and am making polling calls.)

Me: “Hello, my name is [My Name] and I’m calling on behalf of the [Political Party]. Do you have time to take a quick survey for us?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you. If there was a general election tomorrow, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “There’s a general election tomorrow?”

Me: “No, but if there was, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “I would have trouble getting to the polling station. Are you offering a lift?”

Me: “No… it’s a hypothetical election question about who would you vote for.”

Caller: “Sorry, I have to go to the doctors tomorrow!”

Me: *gives up*

(A customer comes up with credit card bill.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to make a payment.”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(I take the bill and notice it’s actually for a different store.)

Customer: “My wife went and bought a bunch of stuff, so I gotta pay the bill.”

Me: “Sir, I don’t really know how else to say this, but this is a [Different Store] card.”

Customer: “I’m in [Our Store], aren’t I?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “You’re too nice. You should have just said, ‘Get the f*** out. You’re in the wrong store!'”