(I have been stuck in traffic for two hours due to a crash on the motorway.)

Customer: “MY ORDER IS OVER AN HOUR LATE!”

Me: “I am truly sorry; I was stuck in traffic on the motorway.”

Customer: “And you didn’t call!?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it is illegal to use a phone whilst in control of a motor vehicle.”

Customer: “I know that! I’m not stupid. Are you? Are you stupid?”

Me: “I’m sorry again, sir. If you call my supervisor, I’m sure they will reimburse you your delivery charge.”

Customer: “Are you ignoring my question on purpose? Are you stupid? Or are you just ret****d like the rest of your colleagues?!”

Me: “No, sir, I’m not. I have a basic understanding of quantum physics and molecular biology. What do you have?”

Customer: “Uh…”

Me: “Good day, sir.”

(Working late at school, my friends and I decide to order some food to be delivered around 3 am. I get the following call from the delivery man.)

Delivery Man: “Hello? [Restaurant] here. I’m waiting with your food at the corner of 15th Street.”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t see you. What corner did you say you were at?”

Delivery Man: “15th.”

Me: “I’m right here at 15th and [street]. That’s the address that I gave when I placed the order online. I’m the dude in the blue sweatshirt.”

Delivery Man: “That’s impossible; there’s nobody here. I’m looking at the sign, and it says 15th street. Are you messing with me?”

Me: “Do you also see a sign for [street]? The address I gave was the corner of 15th and [street].”

Delivery Man: “I’m at the corner of 15th.”

Me: “15th and what?”

Delivery Man: “Uh, [street 10 blocks away].”

Me: “What? That’s not right! Why’d you go there with my food?”

Delivery Man: “It was the closest 15th street intersection to the restaurant!”

Customer: “One of your pizza delivery drivers in a blue Mini needs to be turned into the police for passing me so irresponsibly! If I ever see that car with your sign on it again, I will sue you for endangering lives by hiring his kind!”

Manager: “What road were you on?”

Customer: “I was on state route 303. He must have been going at least 20 mph faster than me!”

Manager: “I see. And how fast were you going?”

Customer: “I was going 35 mph because my car cannot go fast up that hill. I want him fired now!”

Manager: “Well, ma’am, I will certainly talk to him, but that section of road is clearly marked 55 mph. I’m failing to see the problem.”

Customer: “The problem is that he passed me! Any business that has drivers knows that the rudest thing to do on the road is pass any other vehicles!”

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Me: “Thanks for calling [Pizza Place]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I would like…” *places order as usual*

Me: “Okay, is there anything else I can do for you?”

Caller: “Yes! When the driver arrives, could you tell him these instructions?”

Me: “Okay. I’ll be your driver, by the way.”

Caller: “All right. First, I want you to knock on the window three times, then yell like a Wookie. Then knock two more times and make alien noises.”

Me: “Alien… noises?”

Caller: “You know the ‘click’ and stuff. Like in the movie… uhh, what movie is that again?”

Me: “You mean Signs?”

Caller: “Yeah! That’s the one. Okay, so after you do that, knock three more times and then yell, ‘PLANKTON!'”

Me: “Anything else?”

Caller: “Oh yeah, do you have any lingerie?”

Me: “Not on me…”

Caller: “Oh, well, you should drive home and then find some, and wear that to the door.”

Me: “Okay, is that all, ma’am?”

Caller: “Yeah, but don’t forget the lingerie!”

(I decide to go along with the caller’s request, put on some shorts, and roll the legs up so it’s similar to a Speedo. Half an hour later, I arrive at their door. The entire party comes outside to watch my show of knocks and clicks, and then poses with me to take pictures. I got a $15 tip, too!)

Caller: “My furniture is scheduled for delivery today and I have a big problem: it’s going to snow!”

Me: “Okay, we can reschedule you for–”

Caller: “No, I need it delivered today!”

Me: “What would you like me to do?”

Caller: “I want you to make it not snow!”

Me: “… Excuse me?”

Caller: “I want you to make it not snow during my delivery!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t control the weather.”

Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

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