Something about this client just gives me the creeps.

Client: “Is there a pencil sharpener in here I can use?”

I look up from my computer.

Client: “…because there used to be a pencil sharpener in here. It was right over there.”

He points across the room, directly at a pencil sharpener.

I stare at him quizzically for a moment.

Me: “Uh, yes, that’s still a pencil sharpener?”

Client: “Oh, okay, great.”

He walked over to sharpen the pencil… looking at me the whole time.

I’m on the phone with a client.

Client: “Could you edit this button on the website?”

Me: “Which one are you talking about?”

Client: “This one.”

Me: “Which one?”

Client: “The one my mouse is pointing at! Are you blind?!”

Me: “…We’re having this conversation over the phone. I can’t see your mouse.”

Client: “Well then, go onto the site! I’m hovering the mouse right over the button. It’s hard to miss!”

Me: “What?!”

Client: “I tried going to your FTP [File Transfer Protocol] site to send you a PDF, but it says it’s under construction.”

Me: “Hmm, what program are you using?”

Client: “What do you mean?”

Me: “…What program are you using that’s telling you the site is under construction?”

Client: “None. I just clicked on the link in the email, and it came up.”

Me: “No. It’s probably opening in a web browser like Internet Explorer, Firefox, Chrome, or Safari. Can you tell me which program it is?”

Client: “Um… email–email program?”

I have this exchange with a client via email.

Client: “My Internet isn’t working, and I need to check my flight number, my stocks, etc.”

Me: “What are you emailing me from?”

Client: “What do you mean? A computer, obviously.”

Six minutes pass while I wait for him to put it together.

Client: “Hello? Are you going to help me or not?!”

I’m helping a client who’s planning his staff party on the cheap.

Client: “I wanted to ask, do we have to buy the confetti or will you be printing it?”