(I had just started a new IT job for a large school district and was not expecting the level of stupidity I would be dealing with on a regular basis. Within my first three weeks, I receive a phone call from a school.)

Clerk: “Hi, I am trying to use this new system on these computers and I’m attempting to make my account. My Principal got me started but now I am stuck.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Clerk: “Well, it is asking me for First Name and I have no idea what I am supposed to type.”

Me: “You’re at the registration screen? Um… well I think you are supposed to enter your name.”

Clerk: “Oh… okay… wait. No, it’s asking me for something else.”

Me: “What now?”

Clerk: “It says… last… name… what do I put here?”

Me: “Probably your last name.”

Clerk: “Oh, thanks… oh Jesus, now it’s asking for my phone number! What the h*** am I suppose to put here! Why can’t I just do it the old fashioned way?”

Me: “You mean pen and paper?”

Clerk: “Yes! It was so much easier. These fancy computers are just so complicated. I never understand what I am supposed to do!”

(I bit my tongue and just let her ramble on about how ‘First Name’ was such an incredibly hard concept to grasp.)

(Around Easter, stacking poorly transported eggs and bunnies onto a shelf. A young girl, around sixteen, approaches me.)

Customer: “Can you tell me where the confectionery is?”

(I am slightly bemused, as we are standing next to the confectionery aisle.)

Me: “Yes, it is just there.”

(She looks and furrows her brow.)

Customer: “No. Confectionery.”

Me: *pointing again* “Yes, there.”

(She looks even angrier now.)

Customer: “No. The confectionery!”

Me: “Yes… there.”

Customer: “Nooo. The confectionery, like tampons and stuff!”

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(There is an ID check to enter the lab and to print.)

Me: “Hi, can I see your ID, please?”

Guy: “No, I don’t need ID to come in here.”

Me: “Yes, at this lab it is required.”

Guy: “But I don’t need an ID to come in!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I really need your ID, or I can’t let you come into the lab.”

Guy: “Oh I need ID to come in? Why didn’t you just ask me for it?!”

Me: *headdesk*

(We have this awful woman who regularly shops at our store. One day we were extremely busy and a coworker of mine is struggling to fit shoes for three children.)

Mean Lady: “Bring me this size!”

Coworker: *disappears out back for a few seconds* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it appears we’ve sold our last pair.”

Mean lady: *throws shoebox at coworker’s head, hitting her squarely in the forehead*

Coworker: “Ouch…”

Mean Lady: “I hate you!”

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(A VERY high customer approaches me.)

Customer: “I NEED A WATCH!”

Me: “Alright… did you have anything in mind?”

Customer: “Not too expensive, with a leather band, and it has to match theeeessseee.” *points to his brown leather bracelets*

Me: “Okay, what about something like this?” *holds up watch*

Customer: “NO THIS ONE!”

(He points to a VERY expensive watch with a black metal band that meets NONE of his above-mentioned requirements.)

Me: “Well, that watch is rather expensive…”

Customer: “NOT TOO EXPENSIVE!”

Me: “Okaaay… what about these?” *points to customizable watches*

Customer: “I like those two! I like them because they’re round.” *one of the watch faces is, in fact, square*

Me: “…”

(Customer now attempts to answer his ringing phone, accidentally drops it, and while attempting to pick it up, falls onto my male boss. He groggily apologizes, then staggers out of the store to take the call, leaving behind his purchase from another store.)

Boss: “Is that guy high?”

Me: “As a kite.”

Boss: “Oh, okay. Because he just groped me.”

Me: *dies laughing*

(Customer now returns, accompanied by a friend. Customer continues to be stupid, while friend tries to shoplift. After all this has gone on, customer and friend go to talk to Boss.)

Them: “So are you guys hiring?”

Boss: “Am I hiring druggies or shoplifters? NO.”