Me: “Thank you for calling guest relations. This is [My Name] speaking, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you guys overcharged me and I will accept nothing short of a full refund. This is ridiculous.”

Me: “I’d be more than happy to help. Do you have your confirmation number?”

Customer: “Yes. It’s [number].”

Me: “Great. One moment, please.”

(I look at their reservation history.)

Me: “Okay, sir. So I’m showing you have a reservation arriving tonight. One king bed, non-smoking, booked at a rate of $1297.66. What were you quoted?”

Customer: “I was quoted a rate of $1297.63.”

Me: “So you were misquoted by three cents?”

Customer: “Yes. And I demand the rate I was quoted be honored.”

Me: “But it’s three cents…”

Customer: “You d*** corporations! WHY ARE YOU RIPPING ME OFF!?”

This story is part of the Cheapskate Customers roundup!

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Customer: “Do you serve boneless wings?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

Customer: “Okay, then that’s what I’d like to order.”

(I bring the customer her meal.)

Customer: “Here are your boneless wings, ma’am. Enjoy.”

Customer: “This isn’t what I ordered.”

Me: “These are the boneless wings your ordered ma’am.”

Customer: “No, these are chicken tenders. I want boneless wings.”

Me: “Ma’am, boneless wings are basically chicken tenders.”

Customer: “No, I want chicken wings with no bones!”

Me: “Yeah… those don’t exist.”

(Customer walks onto the lot looking for a car.)

Me: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Yeah, I am looking for a cheap car that will go forever on a tank of gas and will last forever, so I don’t have to take it for any tune-ups.”

Me: “Me too. In fact, let me know when you find it, and I’ll make a better offer on it!”

This story is part of the “Customers Who Don’t Know How The World Works” roundup!

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Me: “Welcome to [Magazine]. How can I help you?

Customer: “Hi, we just got a bill for an ad in your fall issue and I thought we had already paid and our contract was over.”

Me: “Let me get the insertion order.”

(I get the order.)

Me: “It says here you’ve signed up for a full-year contract, including our fall and winter issues.”

Customer: “But we’re not even open in the fall or the winter.”

Me: “But you signed for the contract.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t read what I was signing…”

This story is part of the Very Wrong Customers roundup!

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Regular: “Hey, I have a question.”

Me: “Okay, what can I help you with.”

Regular: “Do y’all have homeless people come in here often?”

(Indicates couple reading newspaper in the corner. I can’t see their faces.)

Me: “Umm, no. Why?”

Regular: “Oh, they just came in sat down like they wanted no one to see them and took your newspaper.”

Me: “Well I can’t ask them to leave unless they are bothering you. Do you want me to ask them for the newspaper? I can since they aren’t paying cust–”

Regular: “Oh no, I was just wondering if homeless people came in here often.”

(I look back to the corner again and I can see their faces now.)

Me: “Um, sir, those are my parents.”

(He did not come back for about six months.)